A Very Happy and Sunny Life
by The Miser
Summary: After the house of Ponyville's street cleaner is burned down, the town rallies together to help restart this poor pony's now ruined life. The only problem is that the street cleaner is Ponyville's resident pariah and he actively opposes their good graces. A rude, horribly mean, and cruel stallion must now tell his story the only way he knows how; by writing in his brand new diary
1. Entry 1

Greetings! I'm guessing you've got one or two questions burning through your mind so I'll get right to it in the next paragraph and those that follow.

My name is Ipsa Unica and I'm your new owner. It is my hope that we will come to know each other casually in the coming forever and thus, should you suddenly begin to go against nature and speak, you may call me Bob.

Me being me, I want to make sure there aren't any misunderstandings here. You are a book, a diary to be exact. I am a pony, a stallion to be exact. I will write in you, with a quill to be exact. You will be written in by me, with a quill to be exact.

You may find yourself wondering why I bought you in the first place and why I'm talking to you as if you're just like any other pony in the world. That's simple my hardback friend. My house burned down a few months ago and all of my possessions -both ill-gotten and legally acquired- were lost in the blaze. That included Shirley, my old diary.

I miss Shirley, but don't let my loving memory of her get in the way of our relationship. I want you and me to be as close as dirt to the ground. My reasoning for talking to you as if you were a sentient being is somewhat odd, so stick with me. I don't have friends -by choice and by virtue of circumstance-. My line of work does not bring me into contact with many ponies and the few that I do encounter are not my type. That leaves you...which isn't much of a consolation prize.

This is mainly a set-up page so you'll know how things work around here. I will NOT write an entry every day. Unless I do, at which point you'll shut up and deal with it. My inclusions into your pages will occur only when I feel there is a need to do so. However, when I do decide to write up an entry, I will do one when I wake up and/or when I go to sleep. Don't worry about specifics. Let me worry about blank. Did you get that joke? Cause if you didn't this is gonna be a long eternity.

If you -being a book and thus inferior- are partial to certain things being written into you, then DEAL WITH IT! My musings will rarely be truly interesting beyond my own opinions. I will likely never include any mushy love stuff as nothing of that sort happens to me. Why, you might ask if you had a mouth? Well, despite my dashing good looks, I do not trust mares. I'm not gay if that's what you're thinking you naughty book. I know what I like and I know where to find it. The problem is that I just don't care...and mares have a tendency to stab you in the back when you aren't looking, but I'm sure you'll come tom understand that soon enough.

My life -and your life by proxy- revolves around my work. I am Ponyville's official street cleaner. I go around town in the dead of night and pick up trash and the like. My daily schedule is as follows:

4:40-4:50 PM- I wake up

4:50-5:00 PM- Diary time

5:00-5:30 PM- I eat breakfast

5:30-6:00 PM- FREE TIME

6:00-7:00 PM- I do housework and fix anything in need of being fixed

7:00-8:00 PM- FREE TIME

8:00-9:00 PM- I eat brunch

9:00-9:30 PM- FREE TIME

9:30 PM-1:00 AM- Work

1:00-1:30 AM- Lunch

1:30-5:00 AM- Work

5:00-5:40 AM- Dinner

5:40-5:50 AM- I get ready for bed

5:50-6:00 AM- Diary time

6:00 AM-4:40 PM- Sleep

I follow this schedule to the best of my ability. Sometimes I'm off by a few minutes.

My list of acquaintances -remember that I have no friends and am thus forever alone- and what they are useful for is as follows:

Big Macintosh is a very large stallion who could crush me very easily. I like him. He is the primary proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres apple orchards and supplies Ponyville with apples, apple products. and apple accessories. I buy apples from him, though I am willing to deal with his little sister Applejack should I have no other choice. Every Thursday -this where it gets dicey as I have little care for the traditional order of the days of the week- I drop my cart off at his barn loaded with organic compost that he can make good use of. In return, he delivers my cart back to me and gives me a discount on apples, apple products, and apple accessories.

Mayor Mare, a really old bitch of a mare, is technically my boss. I work for the township of Ponyville. It is rare that I deal with her personally, but I usually have to meet up with her at least once a month to get paid for my labor. Do not be fooled! She is still a mare and thus I do NOT trust her!

Twilight Sparkle is the only mare I willingly deal with when other options are available. She provides me with books -like yourself- to use for whatever I need to use them for. Whenever I have something to say to Mayor Mare, I usually go through Twilight by leaving her with my message. Do not be fooled! She is still a mare and thus I do NOT trust her!

Applejack is pretty much a female version of her brother as she serves the exact same purpose that Big Macintosh does. The only difference is that I'd rather deal with him instead. However, I am willing to overlook her gender as she, like Twilight, seems to understand that I do not trust mares. Do not be fooled! She is still a mare and thus I do NOT trust her!

The most important associate of mine is Carty; my ever faithful cart that I use for work. He is the hardest working thing to have ever existed and is pretty much the only thing that survived the fire. Unfortunately, Carty has a nasty habit of being shifty and mysterious.

Now you'll probably want some details about your new master. Well, for starters, I'm a stallion, so you know I'm of a high quality. I'm about twenty years old or so -I stopped counting at fifteen-. My mane is beautiful and my tail is just as beautiful. I have eyes the color of ripe bananas and my coat is delightfully beigeish. As for my cutie mark, I do not have one. Yes, I, the great and powerful Ipsa Unica, am a blank flank! However, this does not concern me as I do not care.

By the way your binding is looking at me I can tell you're looking for some explanation why I just gave you details about my hotness. This, like so many other things, is quite simple. Should you ever run into any female books or pamphlets, you are to give them that information.

Don't look at me like that! Inter-species relationships happen apparently! Twilight's assistant is a dragon and he crushes pretty hard on this snobby unicorn mare. And no, by crushing I do not mean that he is literally crushing her. That would be weird and probably frowned upon.

Now, before I take my leave for work tonight, I will leave you with a list of ponies that I hate the most and you are to avoid asking me about should you ever get a mouth.

Carrot Cake is the co-owner and co-operator of the local diabetes store Sugarcube Corner. His jaw is angular. I do not like that.

Cup Cake is the co-owner and co-operator of the local diabetes store Sugarcube Corner. She is fat. As in, I'm not sure how they make a profit with her eating the merchandise. A rotund booty is fine, but a sickly one bulging with fat is disgusting.

Pinkie Pie...no...just no.

I would like to add myself to this list as sometimes there is very little that irritates me like I do.

My father makes it onto this list. I mean, I don't recall too many personality quirks about him that I may hate, but he did run off with my only friend at the time. So there's that.

Just to make sure we're clear on this issue; we are never to deal with the likes of Pinkie Pie.

And the utter bane of my existence is the wall-eyed retard of a mare named Derpy Hooves. She burned my house down, nuff said.

I'll be back later to get some sleep. I'm afraid that this entry will be the only one for the day. Or not, I don't know. It probably will be the only one due to me having to go buy you earlier.


	2. BREAK-IT-DOWN!

Remember when I said that I would probably not be doing an entry before I went to bed? Yeah, I lied. Cause I totally am doing another entry for today.

Here's an interesting detail that I failed to tell you in the prior entry. You see, my job as a street cleaner entails that I patrol Ponyville during the night. In my patrols I am tasked with picking up any trash I see. Though the majority of my finds are organic in nature and thus go in Carty, I do find a good number of other things. These things include jewelry, gems, metal stuff, broken pieces of wood, wooden stuff, and the occasional piece of cloth or something. That stuff belongs to me when I find it. I usually bring in at least three or four valuables that I can sell for some food money. Tonight was no different.

My haul included a cowpony hat, what appears to be a violin bow, a pair of reddish glasses, a locket of some sort, a pocket watch, a button, this weird jewel encrusted bowtie, and this awesome length of rope. Let's do the break-it-down game…HOLY CRAP! This will be the first time you get to play the break-it-down game! How exciting! Alright, you play this game by listing out my finds for the night and I examine them closely and determine their value and what it is I want to do with the item. Sounds fun, right? Don't answer that, you're a book, just keep your opinion to yourself until I get more used to having a new book around the house.

Let's kick this into gear by starting with the pocket watch. It's an older design from what I can tell and is engraved with the likeness of Princess Loopty-Spooker -I have long since forgotten her name-. What made it stand out so well in the dim light my lantern provides is the fact that it's made out of silver or something like that, which means this one will bring in a pretty bit baby! It'd be worth more if it worked, but I'm not a clock master. Maybe there's somepony here in town that can look into that for me? I think I can recall that Mayor Mare having some nerd like that as her little butt-buddy or something. Perceived value: forty bits in the current condition and maybe seventy bits if it works.

Next on the docket are the glasses. These things are ridiculous and make me look feminine. That being such, I can safely say these belonged to a mare. They're nice too, not prescription so that means that other ponies can see through them just fine. It's unfortunate that I found them caked in mud –at least I hope it was mud- and all dirty. They cleaned right up though. Nice and shiny! Shiny sells, it sells big time. Perceived value: thirty bits.

Now for one of the more exciting finds of the night; the button! This thing is super sweet! All blue and stuff! It's going straight into my button collection. Perceived value: priceless…to me at least.

I'd like to maintain this high I'm on right now, so the rope is next! It is not very often I find awesome stuff like this. What makes it so…stunning is that it's all blue and stuff! Not in the way the button was blue and stuff, but this rope glows in the dark. That's how I found it. Quite the find if I must say so myself. Not sure what to do with it though. There's not much of the rope and it surely wouldn't be of any practical use besides being all glowing and stuff. I suppose that Twilight could find something like this interesting. Perceived value: five bits.

The most disappointing object tonight is the hat. I recognized this thing the second I saw it. You see, this hat appears to belong to Applejack. I have no use for this stupid thing and thus I only have the option of selling it. Making this worse is that the Apples don't have the kind of spending money I think this thing is worth. It really is a nice hat and was stitched together carefully and was made to withstand constant use. It's so freaking unfortunate is that I can't get what I want for it. However, I can't let it lay around in my house because I do not want it lying around. Perceived value: twenty bits, but I suppose I'll sell it back to the Apples at about…fifteen bits.

On the subject of expensive cloth, the bow tie looks to be the most promising of the items I found…disregarding that awesome button. It's a red tie that has a great many of gems sewn into it. This gaudy thing is clearly the property of Ponyville's very own Rarity. Figures I'd find something of hers lying in the filth. Seems fitting really, such an ornately designed thing covered in muck and grime after spending a day getting trampled on by ponies. Did I mention that I don't like her at all? Like, even when I compare her to other mares -none of whom I trust- I still can't help but feel like she sticks out for being so worthless. I mean, how is being a fashion designer even worth anything to the world in proper? It's not like she could use her sewing skills to stitch up wounds or anything like that. Anyway, back to the item. Perceived value: seventy bits, but I'll mark it up to one hundred just for giggles.

The locket seems pretty interesting. It's an old looking thing, the kind you have to pry for hours to open up. The picture inside is an old one that appears to be of a couple with a little unicorn filly. Meh, it's always something mushy like that. I found this thing trampled deep into the ground amongst a lot of broken wood and torn fabric that's of no use. There seems to an engraving of sorts or something like that, can't read it though. Not like I care. It's probably some sort of loving family heirloom or something similar to that. Perceived value: forty-five bits.

What's left…no, I already did the button…hm…OH YEAH! I found this violin bow or something like that. Another nice find if I must say so. This thing was clearly made in Canterlot, as indicated by the 'Made in Canterlot' inscription, and is nicely crafted out of some weird wood I've never felt before. It seems to be custom made due to the gold lettering on the side spelling out the name Octopus or something to that effect. I can't really tell due to the dried mud that won't come off. Perceived value: thirty bits dirty, fifty if Twilight can clean it.

I love that game so much. Half of my income comes from this crap and most of the fun comes from me pricing it. The best part is that I only have to deal with one pony in the entire transaction; Twilight. My effort goes into finding this stuff and then pricing. What I do is I take all of my finds over to Twilight Sparkle, you know…the nerd at the library that acts as Mayor Mare's proxy, and then I sell them to her and she does whatever she wants at that point. It's a great deal I've got worked out. You know, for all her smarts she can be really stupid and naive about stuff.

As much as I'd like to continue going on and on about how awesome I am, sleep awaits me and I've got to hurry as the birds have already begun to chirp. I'll start thinking of a name for you and I'll let you know what I come up with.


	3. Unpleasant Pony is Unpleasant

Did I ever tell you that I'm not a morning pony? Well, it's actually more like the afternoon really. No, wait, I'd say evening would be more accurate. That won't work either, this is technically my morning and I'm not gonna start calling my morning evening just to appease you. However, I can't in good conscience leave you confused about what time of day it is. That would just be rude of me. Books are ponies too after all. There has got to be a way where I still win without you losing…too painfully that is. I can't say it's evening cause it's morning, but I can't say it's morning cause it's evening…conundrums are fun…

You might be surprised to know that this isn't the first time this has happened to me. Yeah, I've been in this situation before. It was actually when I was still at the hospital nursing the burns that retarded mailmare gave me when she burned my damn house down. Nurses and doctors would come in and wake me up during the night/day to see how I was doing. My response to these unwelcome interruptions; curses, lots and lots of curses. And no, I'm not talking about cussing or spewing obscenities, I'm talking about curses. You know, the ones those dirty zebras cast on each other and whatnot? Anyway, they would wake me up and I'd scream as many curses as I could make up. None of chants worked though. Unless you count getting suddenly pregnant a curse, because that totally happened to this fat nurse that wouldn't leave me alone. You want to know the funniest part? During the day/night I would scream and holler for help and assistance but receive nothing but security guards telling me shut up so that other ponies could sleep. My response? More curses! One of them even worked when this strange barking pony attacked one of the burly security guards who definitely had a fetish for muscles.

…I'm not gonna lie Booky, you look confused…was it that day/night thing? Cause I totally told you in paragraph one that would get confusing. I'll have to think about a way in which I can talk and not…wait…you still don't have a name! Well crap, here I am complaining about confusing you and I haven't even named you yet. Let's get right to that in the next paragraph!

First things first, are you a boy book? I don't see a table of contents…that must mean no. That must mean you're a girl! Wait, no, you don't have an index either. Well crap, what does that mean? Are you both or neither? Shirley was a girl…she had a very ladylike index that I found to be fitting for a book of her stature. You? You don't even have a gender! Which means Charles is out, which sucks cause I really like that one.

Glenda? Would you like that? No, too not gender blind. How about Ax McHammer? No, too constructiony. Why not Zoidberg? Nah, too crablike. I'm running out of options here Booky. I mean, I could call you Greg, that's pretty neutral. What do you think Booky, is Greg a good name for you? Cause now that I say it some more I'm starting not to like it. How about Booky, is that one you'd be interested in? It is!? Nah, I know you can't talk. You're a book, that'd be weird.

I hereby christen you Booky McHammer.

Alright, where was I? Oh yes! Morning/evening thing. Well, let's see, I'm in a creative mood at the moment and that usually means creative things. How about evering? Nah, too not good enough. Hm, how about mevening? I like that one; it has all the oomph of an 'm' and all the pizzazz of the 'ing' ending.

Hard reset!

Good morrow Booky! Did I ever tell you that I'm not a mevening pony? It just never clicks with me. I mean, if Celestia meant for ponies to be all hyperactive and ready for the day in the mevening then she wouldn't have invented coffee. Anyhay, I just don't like the mevening. Everypony outside is all happy and not sad and they're all doing stuff while I'm trying to enjoy my breakfast in peace. Can you believe that!? What more could a stallion ask for?

Worst of all, my mevenings really tend to suck because that's when ponies usually like to screw around and mess with me. Who do they think they are interrupting me like that? Party invites, mail delivery (if I ever answer the door when that retard comes a knocking, she will be in for a world of pain), package delivery, cake delivery, candygrams, stopping by to say hello, and other annoying things like that. What do they think I am; a welcome mat? Jerks, that's what they are, they're all jerks! Especially Pinkie Pie, it seems like it's every mevening with that stupid mare. She never takes no for an answer unless you hit her in the face with a big N and a big O.

Anymoo, my day is going to be a normal one I suppose. I have to deliver the goodies I found last night to Twilight. She'll definitely buy it all like she always does. I mean honestly, sometimes I feel really bad about taking advantage of her. Luckily, those times are few and far between. Besides, it isn't like bits are hard to come by for somepony as intrinsically important as she is. She's the personal student of the Princess herself!

There's another point I'd like to bring up; why the hay is she so important! I mean, I'm not complaining that she IS

important; I'm complaining that she is ALWAYS important. If anything ever happens in this place it always has something to do with her. Did Nightmare Moon get out? You bet Twilight had something to do with it. Are parasprites eating the town and giving me nearly two months of backbreaking labor to clean the debris up? You bet Twilight had something to do with it. Is there a sudden dragon attack on the town giving me months of backbreaking labor to clean the debris up? You bet Twilight had something to do with it. Did Discord break free and get defeated leaving me no mess to clean up for once? You bet Twilight had something to do with it. Did Town Hall just fall apart? You can bet that Twilight didn't do that. Did my house just burn down? You can bet Derpy did it. Am I burning alive in the flaming remains of my house and possessions? You can bet Derpy did it.

SERIOUSLY! BUCK HER, BUCK HER HARD! THAT FREAKING RETARD JUST NEEDS TO BE GONE AND BE DONE WITH! I'M SERIOUSLY BUCKING TIRED OF HER!

You know what, Booky? It's curse time.

THE WALL-EYED MARE IS A PAIN IN THE PLOT AND I HOPE HER LEGS BREAK SO SHE MAY NOT TROT!

GREY PONIES ARE DUMB, STUPID, AND RETARDED AND I HOPE HER BREATH WILL ALWAYS SMELL LIKE SHE FARTED!

Phew! That really helps! Too bad none of that's gonna happen. She freaking deserves it to happen.

I'd love to stay and talk my old friend, but breakfast is calling for me and I have stuff to do today


	4. Look-N-Find

So nightday -yeah, I'm doing that now- was a bust. I didn't find a single damn thing out there! I mean, sure, there was plenty of trash to pick up, a lot of broken pieces of wood, and this bowtie collar thing. I can't sell any of that! Not even Twilight would buy that damn bowtie thing. However, Twilight did buy all the crap from yesterday for about two hundred and eighty bits. That should sustain me for awhile, which means I don't have to worry about collecting things until I need to.

However, my misfortune was countered by what I DID find daynight!

There must have been a big party in town or something as there was wood and debris everywhere. What caught my nose was the strong scent of hard cider in the air. I haven't had a good drink in a while so finding a crate of that stuff would wonderful! All I found were traces of it spilled on the ground. This would be bad if I didn't find something conspicuously similar to a trail leading into an alley where I could hear muffled groans and moans. Do you know what that means Booky? JACKPOT!

I stealthily trotted into the alley to get a better look at the lovebirds and what I saw and heard did NOT disappoint! There were two ponies of unidentifiable gender leaning against each other on two legs each. One of them was pressed submissively against a wall while the other one went to town on the other one's neck. The moans revealed to me that it was a mare and somepony. Best part? She was totally rocking an English accent. Couldn't tell much about the other pony though.

My observations were ruined when one of them saw me. Being the master of everything that I am, I played it off beautifully by spotting the discarded bowtie thing and picking up with an inconspicuous hum going through my being. I even chased after them hollering, "You damn kids need to stay indoors at night and stop messing up MY streets!" Priceless.

It's been too long since I last found a couple getting busy in the street. I used to find things like that all the time. I guess they're all getting cleverer.

More importantly, I'm due to take all this organic crap over to Sweet Apple Acres with Carty tomorrow. You know what that means, FREE CART INSPECTION! Carty's been looking a little on the broken side as of late and I figure that Big Mac will probably jump at the chance to fix him right up for me!

I'm sorry I don't have anything of interest to report daynight, but I promise that tomorrow will be far more interesting! Who knows, maybe I'll initiate plan MUFFIN DESTROYERER tomorrow and finally kill that annoying mailmare. I've been wanting to drop something heavy on that retard's head.

Sleep time.


	5. The Day That Will Live in Infamy

AWWWWW YEEEAAAHHH, nightday is Pancake Day! It's like, my favorite day of the month! I mean yeah, I suck at making pancakes and I tend to screw it up more often than not, but that doesn't mean I don't love it. It's kind of a personal thing, so it's ok if you don't understand. Shirley understood, just saying.

Anyclue, nightday proves to be an interesting one for little ol me. You see, I will work my usual work that I usually work and it will be the same as always. However, I'm gonna head out a little bit early to see if I can perhaps spot the mare from the alley. I mean, if I hear her voice then I will totally remember her. English accents are hot as tartarus. What's my plan you would ask if you had a mouth? Well, I'm going to wear that stupid collar thing I found. You see, I've theorized that the mare was wearing it and it got torn off in the throes of passionate passion.

I would like to meet that mare. If only to spread the word that she was totally getting it on with somepony in an alley. What's that? Am I worried that doing something like that would harm my image? Silly Booky, I don't care about my image to those ponies. I go out during the time where they are all sleeping, my work entails me cleaning their filth, I'm a blank flank, I'm rude, and ponies seem to be aware that I am not particularly fond of a certain blond retard and they seem not to like that.

OH! I have something I forgot I wanted to tell you! I…wait…I found…no, I made…well crap, I think I forgot it again.

Anyswayze, I will be attempting to initiate plan MUFFIN DESTROYERER nightday if I can find enough rocks big enough to cause some damage. I don't like to initiate something if I'm not prepared for it. Do you think she got her eyes from a rock to the head? Do you think one of my rocks will fix her eyes? Don't answer that, I'd rather not know if I'd be helping her in some way.

Hey, wanna know something weird? Of course you do you perverted manual you! That retarded pegasus has a filly, A FILLY! HOW ABSURD IS THAT?! Who in their right mind would do the dirty with her? Unless it was pity sex, which is totally honorable if done for the right reasons, however, if that's the case, then she broke the cardinal rule of pity sex; she didn't abort the foal. Don't ask how I know about any of this stuff -the stuff about pity sex- as being a stallion kind of just ensures you know these kind of things.

You know what? Despite it being Pancake Day -I'm still getting all fuzzy inside just thinking about it- I want to bring the mood down and get serious in the next paragraph, do you mind? Of course you don't, you're a book. You don't have opinions. Well…you aren't Shirley...she had opinions.

This is my first P-Day without her and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, you never realize how much you love somepony until their gone, right? I mean, it was that way with my mom, but that wasn't anypony's fault. Sometimes bad things just happen to good ponies. Other times, pissed off bees suddenly decide to murder the crap out of your mom. This is kind of like that though, I mean, I never realized how much I loved my mom until she was gone. I never really appreciated Shirley, not as much as I should have. She listened to me, a lot better than you do, and she was there for me every day of my life since I acquired her through a totally legal dash-n-grab.

Do you know what I mean? You've lost somepony before, right? I mean, you aren't much of a talker, but that can easily be attributed to your existence as a book. Shirley didn't need to talk, we understood each other so well that words weren't needed. Do you know where I'm coming from?

I remember the last P-Day; it was a nightday just like this one in fact. I was sitting at my table eating my pancakes and enjoying them while Shirley and my button collection sat in the other room being all cool and stuff. Heh, you never really realize how safe you feel until what's most important is taken from you. Though I suppose I already made that point earlier.

I'll miss her Booky; I'll miss her every day of my life, which is mostly why I can't forgive that blasted whore with the messed up eyes. Stupid wretch, you figure they would cut her wings off or something like that. She can't fly at all, I mean, AT ALL! I bet you all the bits in somepony else's house that her filly is ashamed of her mother. I would be, especially if my mom destroyed some awesome stallion's house and all of his possessions withholding Carty as he was too busy being broken to be on fire. No, all my amazing mom did was get stung to death by millions of bees. Yeah, a lot better than having a retarded mom.

Listen, I'd like to stay and muse about that walking mistake, but I have to slip into that bowtie thing and acquire some sweets to commemorate Pancake Day. Live long and keep living.


	6. SMASHING!

You know how sometimes things go right? Well, daynight was not one of those daynights where that happened. I'll make sure to tell you all about it after we play the break-it-down game.

Alright, let me get myself psyched to do this…it'll take a minute.

My haul: a bouncy ball, a gold necklace with a jewel shaped like a butterfly, a safari hat, a yellow button, and a gold lyre. I know; it's a weird stash. Alright chum, LET'S DO THIS!

I'll start with the button. Can you say WINNING? Cause this is totally a WINNING moment for me. I can't say I have any yellow ones in my collection yet. There were a few in my old collection, but fire saw to fix that situation. Perceived value: priceless…to me at least.

The bouncy ball is pretty disappointing for a find. It's one of those that looks cheap as crap and is generically colored to capture a foal's attention. I even tripped on this stupid thing. It's pretty bouncy though, which is a good thing. Perceived value: five bits.

I love the safari hat. It's one of those gimmicky things that you -more like a pony as books don't travel- stereotypically wear during safaris. I'd wear the tartarus out of this thing if it wasn't too small for me. Weird thing, it's well made though, which means it won't break the first time one of those zebra savages tosses a rock at you -more like a pony…well…I'm not sure what one of those heathens would do if they ever saw an actual book. Perceived value: fifteen bits.

The gold lyre is probably the most valuable find this time. I mean look at it, it's spectacular! Beautifully made and masterfully crafted with love and care. This beauty is even in tune…until it naturally goes out of tune as instruments are wont to do. I don't know how string instruments work. I mean, I play a beast kazoo, but I wouldn't call myself the new genius of this musical generation. Anyzoo, this thing is wonderful, what pony in their right mind would throw this thing out? Oh well, their loss I suppose. Perceived value: seventy bits.

I find this last piece to be gaudy as anything else I've ever found that belongs to the seamstress. It's all gold and clunky, which is kind of offset by the butterfly-shaped jewel in the center of the plate. I'm really at a loss for what to price this stupid thing at. At first I was under the impression that I had just found the source of myincome for the rest of my life, but when I brought it home and got a good look at it I found myself verily disappointed. Stupid thing, you'd figure the previous owner would've at least had the manners to throw it in the trash rather than into a bush where I'd have to get cuts and scrapes getting it out. Perceived value: fifty bits.

The lyre and button made this a very successful daynight and is only partially offset by the disappointment of the ill-fitting hat and the gaudy jewelry. I'll take this crap to Twilight tomorrow and milk some more bits out of her.

Alright, back to business as stated in the first paragraph.

My nightday started off pretty fine I suppose. The bowtie thing didn't really fit all too well but it didn't look like it was forced to stay on so I was able to roll with that. Normally when I go out that early I get just a few strange looks as I suppose everypony has some sort of opinion about the strange stallion who never comes out during their waking hours, nightday was no different. Heads turned to my direction everywhere I went. I'm not sure whether or not it was the bowtie thing I had, the fact that I hadn't made a real public appearance since the fire, or the fact that my appearance approaches godlike levels of hotness. All I do know is that more than a few blasted mares kept their eyes on me. There was only one real pleasant part when this nice stallion gave me a rose. A rose, can you believe it? I might start wearing bowtie things a lot more if it means free stuff!

Anyflu, I made my arrival to the dreaded Sugarcube Corner after a five minute trot. Luckily Pinkie Pie didn't look present, however, she's like the Spaneighsh Inquisition; you never expect her. I used my bits -the magic of my new bowtie thingy didn't seem to work on the fatty behind the counter- to buy myself a small cake -I got a small as I didn't want to end up fat like her- and I decided to just sit and eat it there, mistake number one.

I didn't even get to start eating my blasted treat before I felt a pull on my tail. As Celestia deemed fit to have happen, there was a baby alligator or something clenching my tail in its mouth. You see, I have a seventh sense -my sixth being the ability to talk to fish that have fully paid the mortgage on their homes- that allows me to predict oncoming annoyance. It never seems to work in my favor as it only activates just as the annoyance is occurring. Case in point, it only started tingling when I saw the pink tuft of a mane flash before my eyes.

Pinkie and I shared a stare that I can only believe chased away some customers by the shear ferocity of my stare. I do not like Pinkie Pie. I do not like Pinkie Pie. I do not like Pinkie Pie. I DON'T BUCKING LIKE PINKIE PIE! Before allowing her the opportunity to speak, I kicked the alligator off my tail and began to make my way out of the establishment with gusto. No, she couldn't just leave well enough alone. She appeared before me gibbering something vaguely threatening about me having to warn somepony named Gummy before I play tag with him. Yeah no, I wasn't gonna endure her any longer than that. So, I introduced my cake to her face and made my merry way.

You know what I think, Booky? I think everypony seems to understand that I'm not really the kind of pony to buck with. May I present defense exhibit A, I could hear Pinkie giggling through the icing of my cake as I got my plot out of there. Before she could pursue me as I am sure she is wont to do, I could see several ponies rushing by me and I could hear hushed conversation about not going after me. Things only escalated as a group of mares tried to get in my way and look me down with their silly looks of anger, but I'm pretty sure they have something to fear from me. You see, one of them, a grey mare with a straight black mane and a sophisticated expression, got a good look at me and then rushed away with what I recall to be a blush. I guess she couldn't take the hotness.

The other mares stood their ground though…well…they did until I didn't stop moving. I'm guessing they weren't in the mood for a confrontation with the weird pony that nopony ever sees. That's not to say I wasn't accosted, as I most certainly was. And to make things just ever so special it was by one mare in particular that I could go the rest of my life without seeing.

I know what you're thinking; it has to be Derpy, right? NO! YOU'RE BEING A STUPID BOOK, BOOKY! HOW CAN I EXTRACT MY VENGENCE IF I NEVER SEE THE RETARD AGAIN? No, my encounter was with the rainbow colored lesbian that likes to defend everypony.

Here's how the encounter went:

"Hey, what's your deal?" Cause, you know, she wouldn't be a successful lesbian if she wasn't being tomcoltish.

"My deal is that Ponyville leaves me alone and I leave it alone. Have a nice day ma'am." Ain't I a stinker? I'm also polite as can be towards mares that didn't burn my house down or aren't Pinkie Pie. After all, even mares have their uses.

Her totally unnecessary reaction? Buck to the face, like, to the FACE! Then she pinned me down and started spewing venomous words. In hindsight, it was very nice of her to put her face right in front of mine. It made head butting her so much easier.

HISTORY LESSON! My father may have never loved me, but the useless sack of crap at least taught me to fight back. You know, by fighting me. Such a good father he was, it's just too bad I never got give him one last buck to neck before he ran away to Las Pegasus with a mare two years my junior.

Why was that lesson needed? Well, my good friend, my fights with my father taught me that while pain was nice, hurting your enemy wasn't as good as paralyzing them. So I followed up my first hit with a good buck to the spot in-between her wings that rewarded me with a delightful scream from the lesbian. I wonder if she's into being dominated or being dominant…I guess it would be in bad taste to ask her.

Her reaction, while appropriate, is what ruined my nightday. She managed to close the distance really quickly and tried to tackle me to the ground, but…you know…she missed me kinda. You see, when she skimmed my neck with her hoof, she ripped off my bowtie thing that I was coming to love. I didn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, I responded as any mature stallion would and went to town on the first leg of hers I could get in reach of my hooves. She won't be walking without a limp for some time, that's for sure.

I'm not stupid, just ignorant, and this was not a time where my ignorance shined through. I'm very aware that the lesbian is the Element of Loyalty and thus would receive assistance before too long. So I made like a leaf and got the buck out of there at a casual pace. I think my hits did their job as she didn't even try to pursue me. She just kind of curled into a ball on the ground and whimpered like a dog.

In retrospect I think I should have at least tried to talk her down at first. What I should have done was find that retard and unleash plan MUFFIN DESTEROYERER on her. Oh well, you can't change the past. Otherwise I'd still have Shirley and none of this crap would have happened.

Needless to say I was avoided on my way home and nopony came to see me. That's what surprised me. I was expecting at least some sort of encounter where I would have to explain for my actions. Luckily I only acted in self-defense and thus my position in this situation is one of defense. Granted, I probably went a little overboard when I tried to break the lesbian's leg, but she ripped my favorite bowtie thing and thus earned her punishment.

My work went about as you'd expect it to. I recall there being some commotion coming from within the library as I walked by it doing my thing. I was honestly a little curious as to why Twilight would be having guests that late in the daynight, but I decided to keep going on my merry way. If she was into having orgies in the middle of the daynight then that's her thing.

As I said earlier, this daynight was the time of the week where I was to leave Carty and the organic crap at Sweet Apple Acres for Big Mac. That trip was boring as tartarus. I'm lucky Carty didn't break down on the way there considering his tendency to do so. Oh well, that's how the cookie burns I suppose.

I had some time to think about Shirley on the walk back. It was really nice. As bitter as I am about being anywhere but my humble abode, I really do enjoy the sunrise. It's so pretty. What I don't enjoy seeing is that retard soaring high in the air on her mailmare duties. What really sucked was that she was out of reach of any rocks I could throw. Smart retard, real smart, I'll be sure to get you eventually.

That's it for daynight dude, thanks for listening. Your willingness to let me sit here and moan and groan about my life is quickly earning you brownie points.


	7. It Hurts So Good

You know those mevenings where you wake up and feel like something is amiss? A feeling that perhaps something within your world is not the way it should be? My mevening started like that. At first I thought I had been robbed or something, but I quickly ruled that out as I have keep nothing of value in my house. Well, nothing besides you, my button collection, and that crap I found last night. So I decided to make sure nothing was missing as I have misplaced things in the past.

That search went on for about twenty minutes before I realized something odd; my face hurt like an ugly pony's mirror. Curious, I decided to take a gander at my grand appearance and was met with the horror that is my slightly swollen face. As it turns out, that lesbian had a really strong buck as the spot she nailed -sex pun aside- on my cheek is seriously a little fatter than the other side. I'm lucky I'm not sporting a lopsided face or something disgusting like that.

Don't worry your pretty little pages about me. I'm fine, Booky. It hurts like depressed teenager's life, but I'll live. However, if you're feeling pretty sore about what that filly-fiddler did to your bestest friend's cheek, rest assured that she is probably in considerably worse pain. Trust me when I write that; she's a pegasus and I'm an earth pony, my legs were built a lot stronger than hers.

Aright, now where was I? Oh yes! I hadn't even started before I started whining like a mare at chipping a hoof.

My nightday is going to be pretty weird today. You see, Carty was not returned to me by Big Mac as usual. That means something must be wrong and that has made me a little bit worried. Carty may be a jerk, but he's been loyal since day one. I'll need to make sure everything is ok at some point, an easy task considering that either Mac or Applejack run their apple cart in the market place. I'd have to leave rather early to catch them before they leave, but this only works into my favor. You see, my bookish friend, there are three items on my agenda nightday. The first should be obvious; I'll drop by the library with the crap from last night and squeeze Twilight out of some bits. What should come as a surprise is the second objective; I'm going to pay a visit to that horrid seamstress and see if I can't get her to make me a bowtie thing. Yeah, that's right, I liked wearing that thing. Too bad the lesbian had to go and rip it like I was some pretty little filly waiting to be bedded. That brings me to my final item of importance; I'm gonna send the lesbian some flowers as a peace offering.

Hey Booky, do you know what time it is?! EXPLANATION TIME!

As much as I detest socializing with the boorish mares -pretty much anypony not named Twilight, Applejack, or Mayor Mare- I feel that it would be in my best interest to take the high road here. Remember how I said that the lesbian is the Element of Loyalty? Well, that means she is friends with the other Elements of Harmony. That means she is friends with Twilight. Twilight, as you might remember with your bookish memory, is Princess Celestia's personal student. This means that by forging a peace with the lesbian, I can hopefully avoid the ire of the Princess. I'll probably still get attacked by a few angry ponies or something like that, but I can handle your average pony. Remember, I'm not a stranger to getting in unfair scraps. I am, however, a little out of my league when it comes to royal guards.

Booky, I'm really not going to enjoy nightday. I haven't considered that Twilight might be peeved to know that I hurt one of her friends. However, her smarts should at least make it easier to convince her that I was on the defensive in the fight. Applejack shouldn't be a problem. I'm aware she and the lesbian are friendly, how friendly is a good question. What's going to work in my favor is that Applejack seems to understand me pretty well…or…well…about as well as a mare can. She gets that I don't trust mares and that I have some quirky social habits not normally found in your average pony. That should at least lend to her keeping to herself about the matter and remaining polite as usual. Who knows, I might even buy some apples nightday. However, there's always the chance that Big Mac will be running the stand nightday, a welcome occurrence I must say.

I've got to go do all of that now. No time for breakfast…which sucks considering how vastly ruined my P-Day was.


	8. Inexplicably Good Nightday

First things first; I look absolutely STUNNING in my new bowtie thing! Rarity may be ultimately useless, but when it comes to clothing, she really knows how to prove a pony wrong! I mean, I've always thought she was one to force her opinion on others rather than allow them to have their own thoughts. I'm mature enough to admit my mistake in assuming that about her. You see, she tried to make my bowtie thingy all gaudy and crap and I wasn't gonna have any of that. Apparently, my rejection was all that was needed as she kind of backed off after I told her -in no uncertain terms- that I was not going to let her ruin it with gems and crap. It was practically magical! She even seemed frightened to disagree with me, which I find to be an amazing trait that does a great deal to redeem her in my eyes. I might just have to make a habit out of not talking crap about her now that I know she has such a positive attribute to her personality.

Ok, let me go ahead and state that was not the only exciting part of my nightday. You see, practically every stop I made was met with some sort of greatness. However, I'm getting ahead of myself. Sometimes I'm aware that I can be quite rude and while I may not care whether or not the ponies of Ponyville are dealt a cruel hand by me, I do not wish for you or Carty to be snubbed any longer.

How was your nightday? Did you have fun in the house with the button collection? You didn't throw a party did you? Well, did you? Booky, did you throw a party in my home whilst I was away? For crap's sake, you DID, didn't you? I swear, I step out for my duties and you take advantage of me like that? I don't know how I should feel about that right now. No, don't you say a word. You don't get to talk for at least another…wait…am I crazy? Don't answer that, I'd rather not know…

Let me start with the first stop I made; the Apple family's cart in the market.

I have ever mentioned the market to you before? Wait, what am I doing? You're grounded from trying to talk. So just shut up and let me tell my story, GEESH! Anypoo, -hah, I wrote poo- I'm starting to like going there as everypony seemed pretty dedicated to either avoiding me or staring at me from afar. I've always known my hotness was great, but I had never really comprehended the power of it until nightday. Luckily, Applejack didn't seem to be affected by it to a great degree. Disregarding a few nervous ticks that were evident in her facial features, the mare -a word that will never be easy to write- was pretty normal.

Remember how I said Carty was a nuisance? RETORICAL! YOU ARE GROUNDED, REMEMBER THAT! Well, according to Applejack he decided to go ahead and shatter his axel the very second Big Mac touched him. Great news considering that I had work daynight and Carty is pretty much the only thing I own that makes it possible. However, I dealt with that hurdle when it came time for me to cross it. What is very sad is that she said that it will take at least until tomorrow to get Carty back into working condition. I swear that guy has it out for me sometimes, which I suppose is why you've never met Carty. He was never too fond of books, not even Shirley. Then again, I think it's because his mom was killed by a book or something. Not too sure about that though, you know how he can be.

Anydew, I bought some apples so that I could have something snack on. My trek was directed towards the Carousal Boutique where, as you know, I ordered and received my bowtie thingy. That was exciting stop number two for me. I know, the first one didn't seem too exciting at first but I quickly came to understand that I was just happy to know that Carty was ok and would be rolling around before too long. Have I mentioned that Rarity has a little sister? ONCE MORE, RETORICAL! YOU ARE NOT TO EVEN TRY TO TALK AT THE MOMENT! Well, she does and I must say that she's really weird. All it took was one look at me and the filly was pretty much struck silent and dumb. Like I wrote earlier, my hotness is legendary, but I was not aware that it extended to fillies as well. I must admit that freaked me out a great deal as I'd rather not be sent to tartarus for fooling around with a filly, that'd probably not win me any friends amongst the demons and whatnot.

I decided to leave Twilight for last as I figured that the library would be open the latest. At the very least I could still break down the door to do business with the mare within. However, I didn't want it to come to that. Instead, I went to send flowers to the lesbian I destroyed with my god-hooves. Are you ready for exciting moment number three? BOOKY! WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT RETORICAL QUESTIONS!? AGAIN! STOP TRYING TO TALK; YOU ARE GROUNDED INDEFINITELY!

Exciting moment number three came when I arrived at the mare -gah, still can't shake the shivers- named Rose's flower stand. I ordered some posies or something like that. Not that I was going to pay attention. No, my attention was snagged by the sound of an English accent somewhere behind me. Upon further investigation I found that the voice belonged to the grey mare from yesterday! She was the one who ran away from me! I'd have asked Rose about the other pony's name, but I think she was too stricken by my hotness to talk as she never said a word beyond asking who the flowers were for. She seemed to lighten up when I told her they were for Rainbow Dash -known as the lesbian to us better educated crowds.

This adds a whole new thing to my daily thought list. I mean, I never expected to find the owner of the hot English accent and yet there she was. There's no way in tartarus I'll be forgetting her face anytime soon. I'm gonna make it my personal goal to hear her use that accent towards me, preferably in some sexual manner in which I may take extra pleasure in.

Lastly, I dropped by the library to find a very peeved Twilight Sparkle. Just my luck, I drop by on the very time of the month I've heard her gender becomes evil…well…more evil. At least that's what I think her issue was about. I'm not sure; she was just really upset when she saw me. She didn't tip me in with any clues to her thoughts and she remained mostly cordial. That was until I revealed my payload that I was looking to get rid of. As expected, she bought my entire supply. Well…not my entire supply.

You see, she pretty much screamed when she saw the necklace thing. I wasn't sure whether or not she was

about to die or something, but I know now that she was merely being overdramatic. You see, the necklace that I thought was worthless is actually one of the most important items in history. Yeah, that's right; it's an Element of Harmony -the Element of Kindness to be exact. Now you must be mentally -as you are still grounded- asking yourself whether or not this affected the price of the item. You bet your reference guide it did.

Now knowing the importance of the necklace, I upped my price to about two thousand bits. Hah, you should've seen Twilight's face. She was absolutely astounded that I found that stupid thing. However, what pissed me off was that she wanted me to give it to her as she could not afford the new price. She even tried to use our previous transactions as ammo against me under the use of guilt trip or something. I'm with you on this one, Booky; I still can't believe she was expecting some sort of gift. A gift! THE NERVE OF SOMEPONIES!

So, rather than just hoof over the element, I decided to hang on to that thing. I told her that I was going to keep it until some other pony could afford my price. This of course would require my socializing with other ponies, but this is worth it. If I can get somepony to buy this off of me then I won't have to work for the rest of my life!

This pissed Twilight off a great deal, but she hid it well. No longer seeing a point to standing around in the library, I decided to just come home and then get to work so that I could enjoy my attire. Though she didn't say a word as I left, I can't help but get the feeling that Twilight will be concocting some sort of nefarious scheme to get the Element of Kindness off of me. You see, I told you that mares couldn't be trusted!

As for how work went, absolutely nothing happened. I had to take two buckets with me and my saddlebags to make up for the lack of Carty. That really sucked, but there wasn't much mess for me to take care of. The worst of it was at the hospital where there was some broken glass and a lot of gauss strewn about the ground alongside a muffin.

This is where my entry for daynight must end. I will, however, leave you with one more bit of thought material; that muffin completed phase one of plan MUFFIN DESTROYERER!

PLAN MUFFIN DESTROYERER

Phase One: Develop Plan

Phase Two: ?

Phase Three: Profit


	9. Inexplicably Bad Mevening

I must admit that I haven't slept that well in quite some time. Maybe it's a sign that things are going to start turning around for me? It'd be about time for something like that to happen. On top of losing my home, my possessions, and Shirley to a fire, I've pretty much had a craptastic life. It'd be wonderful if things were really starting to go my way.

You know what, I'm not going to sit here and complain like a mare or something. No, I'm not gonna let this get me down. I'M INVINCIBLE!

Alright, let's plan my mevening out. I want to hit the town again to see if I can find any buyers for the Element of Kindness. That'll be a hard task to complete. Ponyville isn't really known for wealthy citizens. My first targets will be the few that are significantly wealthy. Filthy Rich will be my first stop; he will at least be able to afford my price. Rarity would be my second stop is Filthy decides to be a jerk. She's into gaudy jewelry and I guess that her business is successful enough so as to provide her with enough bits to purchase this thing. Unfortunately, I can't really recall any other ponies with significant wealth. I could always go find the pony it belonged to and see if I can't squeeze the two thousand out of her somehow.

Meh, I don't like dealing with thoughts like those. I hate dealing with ponies and I dislike being social. So you can easily see why I'd be so hesitant to go galloping out screaming that I'm looking for somepony willing to spend a fortune to buy the Element of Kindness.

Besides that whole business my nightday shouldn't prove to be interesting. I want to stop by either Sweet Apple Acres or the Apple family stand in the market so I can inquire as to Carty's condition. Despite my rest being the best I've ever had, I must admit that I had trouble getting to sleep at first due to worrying about him. I mean, it isn't like the way I loved Shirley. Carty's more like a brother to me. I don't know, I just found it hard to take my mind off of him. I'll have to do something nice for him whenever I get him back.

Other than that I have no clue as to what to do until work. I could always take a stab at plan MUFFIN DESTROYERER or something of the like. You know what, I kind of like that idea. The only thing more tempting than that is to go find that grey mare with the hot accent. If I am going to start wooing somepony then I've got to do it carefully. You see, despite her existence as the object of my attraction, I still don't trust her and as such I must be incredibly careful when around her.

I hate it when my nightdays are like this. You have things you want to do, but you can't seem to formulate plans. I mean…the buck? Is somepony knocking on my door? Why the tartarus would anypony bother me this early in the mevening?

I'll be right back, Booky. I'm gonna go see who this is. If it's Derpy I'll blow right the buck up!

Booky…do you know how sometimes things suck? No, its ok…you can talk now if you'd like to…you're ungrounded…still no? Oh well, let me calm down before I get into what just happened…

Alright, I think I'm as calm as I can be at the moment. I opened the door to find five of the six Elements of Harmony and two royal guards waiting for me outside. Yeah, I know, overkill. Turns out I was right when I mentioned that Twilight was fast on concocting a plan for getting the Element of Kindness from me.

Let me set the scene for you:

Standing outside my house were seven ponies with determined expressions on each of their faces. On the furthest left was the first of the two guards I noticed. He was absolutely packed with muscle and I feel that angering him would've been the equivalent to having a rock dropped onto my head. The other guard was on the furthest right of the group. You see, I recognized this formation from back before my dad pulled me out of school. These dudes were in flanking formation. Did they really think me that dangerous? Should I be flattered or disturbed by that?

Applejack seemed to be the only one genuinely happy to see me in some form. Despite the serious expression on her face, I couldn't help but notice her start to smile slightly when I saw that she had Carty behind her. What can I say; despite the massive possibility of being killed by royal guards I was still overjoyed at seeing the old fella sitting there all healed and better.

Rarity looked positively uncomfortable being there. This is going to be some sort of turning point for me as my hotness must be toned down a bit as she looked paralyzed by it. However, I could still see the look of true determination on her face beneath the frozen expression of angst. Whatever she was here to accomplish would be something she would see through to the end.

Hiding behind her was a pony that I can't recall ever having met before. She's all yellow with a pink mane and tail. She's also a pegasus, so yeah, weird. The only time she even tried to be brave was when I hoofed over the Element of Kindness, which means that she must be Fluttershy, the pony who owns the thing according to what I've heard.

Seeing Pinkie Pie pissed me off. I mean come on, if Twilight wanted back up or something then she could've easily grabbed as many stallions as she wanted. Bringing that pink nuisance was absolutely not needed. Well, I suppose I'll go ahead and detail the scene further for the sake of the atmosphere of the story, she was bouncing up and down with an eager smile on her face. Yeah, the same one as usual.

Twilight looked beyond pissed beneath the veil of calmness she was wearing. What's her deal? I mean come on; I have literally done nothing to anger her in my entire time of knowing her. Sure, I've slighted her on the price of stuff I sell to her sometimes, but that's just business, nothing to get emotional over. You see, you can't trust mares, Booky. One moment everything is fine and the next they are plotting your death. Then again, perhaps she was little miffed that I hospitalized one of her friends and then showed up at her doorstep with the Element of Kindness. I can almost rationalize her rage in that sense. However, I'd like you to please notice that I put 'almost' in that sentence.

As I expected, Twilight did most of the talking. She told me that the Elements of Harmony are the exceptions to my agreement with Mayor Mare that anything I find on duty belongs to me. Her follow-up explanation was that my failure to hoof over the necklace would warrant action from the two burly guards she brought with her. Not wanting to be awkwardly smothered by two mountains of muscle, I calmly gave up what was supposed to feed me for the rest of my life.

Never one to expect anything positive, I was expecting her to force me to apologize for hurting their lesbian friend. You could say I was wrong with that expectation. Twilight told me that Rainbow greatly appreciated the flowers I sent her and that she wanted to apologize for acting without thinking. I was mysteriously getting the vibe that I was being lied to. Oh, that wouldn't be good for our relationship at all. If she was really lying to me, then whatever trust -count that as being just above none- I had would be lost immediately. However, blatant lie aside, I knew a catch was coming. To be honest, I'd be willing to bet on Celestia's festering teat that my eighth sense would be to know that a catch was coming. Now that I think about it, that would make me a really good baseball player….huh…well, that's thought for later. For now I must focus on this entirely fair and not at all upsetting encounter. The catch finally arrived when Twilight demanded that I apologize to Pinkie Pie for the cake thing, yep, things were quickly dissolving into one of those cliché situations where the protagonist gets humiliated for no reason at all.

I swear to Celestia that I wanted to become a drunk after that; I still kinda want a few drinks. Let me just go ahead and clear up the murky water so that you and I have an understanding; I DO NOT LIKE PINKIE PIE! I HATE HER AND I HATE TAKING TO HER! THUS, THEREFORE, HENCEFORTH, AND FOREVERMORE, INTERACTIONS WITH HER ARE VERY PAINFUL FOR ME!

Luckily, for fear of being destroyed by the two stallions, I managed a polite apology that Pinkie didn't accept. Yeah, you read that right. She didn't accept it. Her conditions for accepting my apology were that I allow her to throw a party for me, that I attend said party, that I eat some of her specially made cupcakes -a prospect I still find to be eternally unnerving for some reason- that she would make for my party, and that I apologize for not finishing my game of tag with Gummy.

There are certain things I'm capable of enduring: nerds going on rants about things I don't care about, clichéd classical music, smelly crap, smelly trash, smelly crap in smelly trash, burning alive -I said endure, not tolerate or forgive- alongside my possessions, Carty's shenanigans, large quantities of alcohol, and the constant drone of what I can only assume is impending insanity. As you'll notice, Pinkie Pie and being humiliated are not among those certain things. You see, despite my wonderful life, I am usually capable of brushing off the dust and continuing on like a champ. Notice that I used the quantifier 'usually'. This was not one of those 'usual' situations. No, Pinkie crossed the bucking line on this one and I was either going to let her know just how much she means to me or regrettably shove my own hoof down my throat so as to put myself out of my misery. I chose the former as you have probably guessed by this point.

So, being the reasonable stallion that I am, I slammed my door shut as hard I could into her damned smiling muzzle. I really hope Pinkie got hit by the door when I did slam it. It'd be nice to know that I'd set her straight with a healthy thunk to the head. Maybe that's why she's so unbearable? I can definitely imagine seeing her shoot out of her mother and smacking her head on a rock or something and then absorbing some evil demon so that said evil could be used for her own nefarious deeds. Who knows, I could end up a hero if that's the case.

I've ignored their further attempts to get my attention. From the sound of the knocking I can tell that the guards aren't the ones doing the knocking. My house would collapse if they were. Knowing that, I've deduced that it must be either the brave Applejack or the retarded Pinkie Pie trying to get my attention, which is great, as that means that I can ignore it with no fear of legal ramifications.

You know what, Booky? I'm gonna not work daynight. I'd rather just stay inside and totally sulk for a bit. Giving up my ticket to a life of leisure and what little dignity I had left was trampled by Pinkie Pie has ruined this mevening and thus my entire nightday.

I'll get back to work tomorrow. Oh yes, tomorrow will be a day they won't forget. I'll set out like a stallion on a mission, cause…you know…I'm a stallion and I'll be on a…you see where this is going. You see, I've got some plans now. Let me list them in order of ferocity with which I intend to pursue them with: MUFFIN DESTEROYERER (that retard is gonna get it good), PINKIE-BREAKER (yeah, she's gonna regret making me apologize), and GETTIN' BUSY (this one will take some time, I'd rather not force the grey mare and I'd like at least one ally I can use for my benefit).


	10. Inexplicably Strange Daynight

As you probably know, I didn't stay home daynight like I previously said I would. You'll have to forgive me for the lie as I was practically crawling up the walls. As you probably also know, I left home for work a lot earlier than I usually do. My reasoning behind my early departure was stated in the second sentence. Now, ignoring your questions, my daynight was absolutely filled with odd happenings. Shall we? Of course we shall, I'm the one calling the shots after all. Be warned, Booky, this one will be kind of long…which is exactly what she said (BAZINGA!)…which brings forth the question as to why she would be warning you of something being long…if you don't mind, I'm just gonna ignore that this sentence ever happened.

First order of business, I left the house around seven PM or so. If you'll pull up the file of your archives about my schedule you'll recall that is when I usually have some FREE TIME scheduled. That worked wonderfully for me in terms of the schedule. However, I had absolutely no intention of returning home after spending the entirety of my mevening and a significant portion of my nightday locked up inside. That being said -written in this case-, the first thing I'd like to report on is Carty's condition.

Applejack's comments about how Carty broke had gotten me worked up into quite the emotional state. Being the worrywart that I am, I couldn't help but expect the worst when I finally got a good look at him when I left for work. And no, I did not get a good look at him earlier when I was confronted with what was apparently expected to be a necessary number of ponies. To my great relief he came away from this one relatively unscathed. Save the obviously replaced axel and a few new spokes in the wheels, Big Macintosh worked a miracle on my dearest friend -don't even start with me Booky, Carty and I work together and thus share a bond you will never understand- and I feel obligated to do something nice for him and his cool family. Tartarus, even Applejack deserves something special for her share of the work. Perhaps I could treat the four of them -more if they've been hiding some more family members over at that farm of theirs- to a proper dinner not cooked in some farmer's kitchen.

With my heart warmed from being reunited with Carty, I set off for the market with him in tow. Before you ask, yes, I did remember to wear my totally awesome bowtie thingy, which, I suppose, helped a great deal in not scaring off the few ponies I could see on the street. There were a few jerks that dove out of sight when they noticed me. Do they think I am an Ursa Major or something like that? Idiots, that's what they all are. Unless their names were either Derpy Hooves or Pinkie Pie, I was of no threat to them. The few that didn't dash away were pretty cool as they stared at me, ignored me, or waved semi-genuinely at me. I even saw that nice stallion who gave me the rose, if I wasn't on the job then I'd gladly thank him once more for his kindness. What threw me off my game was the waving. Honestly, I've never been openly welcomed into Ponyville which, coupled with the fact that nopony had waved at me since my arrival, produced the most awkward nods of acknowledgement to have ever existed.

Anycrew, my first destination was the one I ran across first; Rose's flower stand. I'm assuming that I should've felt lucky or something that she was still open, but I can say that I felt nothing of the sort. Why, you would ask if you had a mouth? Well, it's really simple my dear tome; I hadn't quite recovered from the humiliation from the mevening and thus was kind of emotionally dead. Before you get all worried about me, my emotional deadness was actually helpful when I dealt with Rose. It allowed me to avoid having any subtext of fury or depression in my voice and instead helped me produce a tone of voice that sounded almost happy. I must point out that I used the quantifier 'almost' right there.

Rose, in a move that will probably haunt me for eternity, actually smiled a REAL smile. How could I tell? Her eyes, those damned happy eyes. A pony can lie all they want, but their eyes will never display anything but the truth. I really wasn't prepared to deal with such surprises when I left the house this nightday and thus responded in the best way I could; a nervous smile. I'm good at those. I pull one off every time a mare I have to rely on a mare for anything. Rose didn't seem to be wise to my dilemma and asked happily if I was there to get some more flowers for Rainbow Dash. In that moment I felt betrayed by fate as I missed a true opportunity for some quality rudeness. If only she hadn't tacked on the lesbian's name then I could've responded with the most sarcastic things I could think of, but no; she had to ruin my fun without even knowing she was. Or did she know and was only the latest part of the conspiracy to make my life suck more? Hm, food for thought, after all, mares are not to be trusted.

My reasoning behind getting the lesbian some more flowers was very sound; I need allies. I've hinted at this before when I mentioned plan GETTING' BUSY. In the coming months I'd like to have at least one or two ponies actually on my side in an issue. Twilight is out of the question as she seems eternally pissed at me for one reason or another. Rarity, despite having earned the slightest bit of my respect, is still out of the question. She needs to prove to me that she's loyal beyond opinion and thus will be able to side with me when I'm clearly in the wrong. That Fluttershy mare is still a bit of a mystery. I'm not sure if I hate her, fear her, love her, or unbiased towards her. Thus I cannot rely on her -please refer back to my statement regarding the level of trust mares naturally receive from me- to be in my corner. Pinkie Pie…well…she'll probably be in the corner across from me. Applejack's already earned my trust by being useful and not stupid. The lesbian is a different story. She seems like the most brash and confrontational out of Ponyville's ponies -she even stood up to me- and thus would be a valuable ally in a problem. Not too sure about Mayor Mare. She's kind of like Fluttershy in that regard as I'm not sure I want to have her in my corner. Here's my ally count as it stands:

Big Macintosh (I'm pretty sure he trusts me, though I've been wrong before) and Applejack…that's pathetic. Especially when you consider that I'll be taking my vengeance on the retards eventually and I do not plan on being merciful with them. What could be problematic is that both seem pretty popular and thus have a lot of support. That being such, I need some allies I can trust. That's where the lesbian and the English-accented mare come in. They'll be very useful when the time comes for me to exact my vengeance. I'd venture to say that Rose could be a definite candidate, but with this new possibility of her being a part of some sort of mass conspiracy to assure my despair, I feel that I cannot trust her at all.

After my dealings with the 'mole', my nightday was to proceed swimmingly towards my goal of thanking the Apples for their care of Carty, but that was not the case. I must admit that one of the three encounters that postponed my goal from being reached was actually quite enjoyable and provided me with a victory all its own.

While I could rationalize the waving and smiles as being paranoid acts performed to drive me away, being directly approached by two mares was harder to understand. Before I get into that whole bit of philosophical ravings, allow me to detail the scene for you as I have done with the first two items of this list.

I was walking away from the flower stand having just purchased some daisies -once more I have no clue on whether or not they were actually daisies- for the lesbian when I heard a declaration that proves the failure of the Equestrian education system, "Hey you, Mr. Guy!"

Let that sink in. Absorb those words and understand that a mare deemed educated enough to walk amongst other ponies screamed them in the market. Should I be ashamed? I mean, 'Mr. Guy'…why not just leave it at the 'Hey you' part? Why tack on the redundant title? However, I'm trying to relate to you the story of my nightday. There will be time for these thoughts later during my sleepy sleeps.

The source of the accursed words was a very oddly colored unicorn, which is saying a lot in a word very vibrant with colors. I would've reacted with disgust towards her insult to all things vocal had I not been so stricken upon seeing her. Well, that's not fair, she's nothing special. That being such, the thing that had me stricken was the pony standing next to her with a thinly veiled embarrassed look on her face. Yeah, I can tell you've got it all figured you little scamp; the pony standing next to the destroyer of the beautifully spoken word was none other than the grey mare with the hot English accent. Heh, seems pretty funny now that I think about it. I finally get to meet the source of that hot voice and she has to be standing next to a mare that was singularly responsible for destroying the work of generations of linguists who worked themselves to death making our language beautiful and efficient.

Anydoo, I can definitely say this mare -the hot English one, not the murderer of words- is a lot hotter up close. However, in favor of avoiding a few cold showers, I shall continue on without a physical description.

Though I was able to hide my amazement pretty well, I'm pretty sure they figured something was up as the cyan one kind of beamed awkwardly at me in greeting while the hot one let it slip that a blush was hiding in her face somewhere. Dear Celestia, she's so freaking hot! She definitely pulls off the bowtie thing better than I can!

What they wanted was to thank me for finding their instruments for them, the lyre for the not-hot one and the cello bow for the hot one. Their reactions kind of stumped me as I wasn't sure whether or not Twilight revealed to anypony where she found the wonderful things I sold to her. They told me that the uglier of the two asked the nerd where her lyre was found and Twilight could only tell her that I had found it. I'm assuming the hot one figured it out pretty quickly that I was the culprit who had found her precious bow.

Anyglue, they thanked me and tried to be on their merry way, but I wasn't having any of it. I 'kindly' ushered the ugly one -whose name I learned is the amazingly clever Lyra- away by directing my comments at the grey mare -whose name is Octavia, not Octopus as I previously thought.

To make a short story even shorter, I asked her out and she agreed -a little hesitantly, but that's to be expected since I caught her in an alley having somepony suck snake venom out of her neck. She told me that she was free Saturday at noon…which is right in the middle of my sleepy sleeps. However, I'm fine with that. If it means getting me some quality strange, then I do not mind. I'm afraid some finesse will be required as I'm not looking to dispose of her afterwards. I'm looking for an ally and thus I'll need to proceed carefully.

Well, as you might be able to guess, that little encounter left me practically giddy…or as giddy as I can get when buttons aren't involved. Aha, I can see your binding twitch in anticipation, you know what happens next don't ya boy?! I'm glad to see that one of my amazing super senses is rubbing off on you. You see, no sooner had Octavia left my presence did my annoyance radar begin to go off. As if she had planned it so, Pinkie Pie appeared beside me just as my extra sense kicked in, which is the perfect conclusion to a truly happy moment. The amount of sarcasm in that sentence is painful.

I bet you're wondering the exact same thing I was wondering when she spoke up; what was her exscuse for cutting in right there? According to her, so you know it will be reasonable and logical, she had been following me since I left home and had been waiting on me to get into a good mood before approaching me. Remember, in the last paragraph, when I said it seemed as though she planned it? Well, I was right. To be honest, I believed her when she explained that. It makes total sense that she would wait for the exact moment I was actually happy to appear and ruin it. I've begun to actually expect her to ruin ANY happy mood of mine. Short of burning me alive, that mare has put me through some of the most strenuous mental trauma I've ever been through. That's not to say the pain Derpy put me through was any less, but it's to say that Pinkie hasn't physically burned a house down on top of me.

It is here that I must mention the oddness of her appearance. I can honestly say that I've never seen her look unhappy. Do you want to know what else I can say honestly about that? I can say that I'd never been happier to see her in my entire life.

She spoke really slowly and was obviously trying not to either sing a song or cry. Despite the circumstances surrounding that encounter, I must say that the pink demon actually did something smart in waiting for me to be happy before talking to me. Otherwise I might've done something she would regret. I listened to what she had to say -not that I had a choice as I am well aware how fast that freak is- and she actually managed to surprise me when she apologized. Now ponies don't apologize to me very often and I'm a little unsure of what a genuine one looks like, but her eyes told me that she was being serious. She honestly felt guilty that she had humiliated me and that her being herself irritated me so.

Let me warn you now that I broke character when I talked to her. It wasn't much -as anything more would've provoked untold horrors in the fields of made-up curses and vulgar threats- as my feelings for her will probably never go away, but my words were true and sincere. I won't repeat what I said as I don't want that memory in your archives, but I will write that I said something that meant that I didn't really hate her for who she was, I really only hate her because she behaves like that towards me.

To her credit, Pinkie seemed to immediately understand what I said and quickly backed off with an appreciative smile on her face. If she hadn't utterly destroyed the happiness I was enjoying before then I might've straight up killed her right there. However, I had a full daynight's work ahead of me and was riding high off of the Octavia encounter. Short story shorter; Pinkie got lucky. The same, however, could not be said for me as Celestia saw fit to just absolutely ruin whatever happiness was left in me.

Now I'm not one to get scared easily and it is rare that a pony can truly sneak up on me, but this one moment proved to be the odd one out as I was frightened out of my soul by the sudden appearance of the OTHER mare I hate.

I hate her, so damn much. Booky, can you even comprehend the level of my hatred? Can books comprehend? Can books even hate? These are questions you should mull over…that is…if books other than Shirley can mull things over.

I will never know what possessed the retard to fly up behind me and wait for me to turn around. Furthermore, I will

never know why she chose to do so with an envelope clenched between her damn jaws. As a closing note to this paragraph, I will never know why I didn't just rip her eyes out right there and stuff them down her throat.

The letter being in her mouth proved to be a blessing as it shut her up long enough for me to regain some composure before she could voice whatever retarded thought was running through her retarded mind as she wore a retarded look of nervousness on her retarded face. If I didn't know any better -which I do- then I'd rationalize her retarded choice of action by saying that the letter was for me and she simply chose to deliver it safely in front of witnesses. Nope, my mind told me that wasn't the case; she was just being retarded.

Allow me to immortalize my words that I spat angrily at her face, "NOT IN THE MOOD!" I'd like to think I was loud enough to create an echo as that would mean that my beautiful declaration could be heard by the mountains and thus remembered for all time.

Rather than wait for the inevitable accosting, I practically smacked her in the face with Carty -I won't miss next time- when I trudged around her quickly with my wooden friend behind me. And no, I didn't have a destination in mind; I simply needed to get out of there and into a place free of retards. My instinct led me to the library…a move that proves that fate is cruel as I ran into the two Apples I was looking for in the first place.

As it turns out, there was some sort of party going on at Twilight's, which explains why I'm running into so many damn ponies. Applejack and Big Mac were on their way there when Applejack saw me. How do I know it was her that saw me and not just Mac pointing me out to her? Well, my bookish -I'll never get tired of that- friend, I figured that little bit of information out when she called out to me sounding kind of concerned. I probably would've ignored her if not for her brother thankfully changing the topic of conversation from why I was hiding in my house to how Carty was doing.

Words cannot express how grateful I am to those two for looking after Carty for me. I don't know what I'd do if he broke in a way I wouldn't be able to fix him. If it weren't for those damned doctors stopping me then I would've killed myself in the hospital after the fire. Living without Shirley was really hard…it's still hard, but not as hard. Losing her was like having a piece of my soul ripped out. The ONLY reason I didn't end it after I got out of the hospital was because I knew I still had Carty. I don't know if I can survive losing him…no offense to you, but you don't quite mean enough to me to get me to think otherwise. Don't worry though; I've still got Carty so I won't be offing myself anytime soon.

The Apples accepted my thanks with gusto. I honestly hope I never have to do that again. Not that I wasn't really thankful for what they did or because saying thanks was hard or anything like that; I just don't want to need their services to fix Carty again. I'd prefer him to stay in a healthy state from now on. I'm actually amazed I didn't tear up when I was thanking them. Probably good that I didn't as they probably already think I'm crazy. Can't blame them, they don't know Carty like I do and thus can't comprehend how much it means to me that he's back in top form.

I didn't have anything else weird happen until much later in the daynight, but that can wait. Do you know what time it is, Booky? That's right; it's time to BREAK-IT-DOWN!

My haul daynight is a bit strange, so prepare for the strangeness. The majority of my finds came from a ripped saddlebag that I have concluded belongs to Twilight. I found the remains of that poor piece of fabric strewn across the ground outside the library when I was on my way back to the house. It's unfortunate that only four of the items in the destroyed thing are worth any amount of bits. However, the other items within the wreckage of the saddlebag will most likely prove themselves useful in time. Here's the list: four books, a scroll, an envelope, a white button, a doll, and a misplaced piece of mail -cause it's inconceivable that a certain retarded mailmare would drop anything.

I'll start with the doll as it's the weirdest thing I found daynight. It's crudely made, really old, and seems to have been played with a great deal. This thing is a piece of garbage. I can only hope that Twilight can use her conveniently infinite amount of spells to fix this stupid thing up and sell it to some desperate mother looking for a last minute gift for a bratty filly. Perceived value: five bits, but I'll mark it up to ten bits.

I love the bucking button! Out of all the buttons I have ever found this is easily the nicest. It's a pearly white thing that feels as though it is actually made out of pearls or something. Isn't that sweet?! Perceived value: priceless…to me at least.

The books are odd and I'm not sure at what to price them, so, like everything else, let's take a good look at each of them.

Of the four books, 'Daring Do and the Secret of the Amethyst Pony' is the one in the best condition. This thing looks like it's in brand new condition. I don't care much for the series or the liar that writes them -yeah, she calls them fiction, but I know the truth-, but I'm not stupid enough to not know how valuable this thing is. Want to know this oddest part? This book is autographed by Daring Do herself and is signed to Rainbow Dash. This means that Twilight specially ordered this thing for the lesbian. While this severely limits the value, my dastardly brain -how I love him- has decided to take advantage of this. I've got some wrapping paper around here somewhere for Hearth's Warming Eve that has a bunch of pictures of wagon wheels as that's what Carty likes his gifts to be wrapped in. What I'm going to do is wrap this thing up and sign it as being for the lesbian -I'll use her real name as a precaution- from Twilight and me. I can't in good conscience just hand this over as a gift from me as Twilight knows otherwise. Plus, I need the bits I'll get from selling this thing back to her. Perceived value: forty bits, but I'll mark it down to twenty bits so as to persuade the nerd to keep my name on the tag.

The second book, 'Space Time and Other Universal Mysteries' is the one I'm going to mark the price up on. This thing doesn't look to be in horrible condition and seems well read. I'm sure Twilight will be willing to pay extra on as it seems like something she'd want to keep. I've never seen the importance of space time or any of that other universe crap. This is Earth and we're in Equestria; not space. However, that's a rant for another time. Perceived value: thirty bits, but I'll mark it up to forty bits.

'Oh the Wonderful Places You Will Go' is the third book of the four Twilight's bag ushered forth. I remember this thing from my foalhood…I hated this book. False hope is written all over and inside of it. I never liked reading that Dr. Hoof crap and if I didn't need the bits then I'd utterly destroy this crap. Perceived value: ten bits.

The final book is one that I can appreciate, 'Love's Secrets: The Guide on Making Your Special Somepony Scream in Pleasure'. My dad used to own a copy of this manual…well…he did until I stole it and read it thoroughly. This thing is quite informative and I must say that I learned quite a bit from it. It'd have been more useful if I wasn't still a virgin, but I'm sure that knowledge will be more than helpful in my date with Octavia. Perceived value: thirty bits.

Whilst Twilight gets to keep her name on the tag of the book gift, I think I can still win in the end. That piece of mail that Derptard lost contained some sappy postcard with two tickets to the Wonderbolts' next big performance. Disregarding that crappy postcard, I'll make good use of those tickets with the lesbian. I'll send some more flowers with these tickets tomorrow. She'll definitely get a kick out of that. She makes absolutely no effort to hide her obsession with those idiots so she'll definitely appreciate it. Here's a bit of a problem though…what if Octavia wants to go? Nah, she doesn't seem like that kind of mare. Perceived value: priceless…to the lesbian at least.

There were two other items in that saddlebag that will prove to be useful as bargaining tokens in the future. However, I'm not sure they have any monitorial value and I will thus put them away somewhere in my little paradise of a house. There's a scroll and an envelope containing a letter, the scroll is authorized by Twilight and the letter is not signed. The scroll is a note for Princess Celestia…which…you know…could get me killed if anypony discovers I have it…which would never happen to me. The letter contained in the envelope is an anonymous love letter. I'm a little confused about that one as I'm not sure any stallion in their right mind would fall in love with Twilight….just saying. Here's what the Princess' letter says:

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_The situation regarding Ipsa has concluded, but I'm afraid that its conclusion did not sit well with him._

_Along with Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and the two guards you sent, I confronted Ipsa at his home about giving us the Element of Harmony that he found and demanded a ridiculous amount of bits for. As you know, I was initially very nervous about confronting him as he acted in a hostile manner to both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Though his attack on Rainbow was evidently in self-defense, I was still on edge as he might perceive our showing up as an attack. Luckily, Applejack had the amazing forethought to bring with her Ipsa's cart that she and Big Macintosh were fixing for him. This seemed to calm him enough to be civil. I'm pleased to admit that he gave the Element of Kindness back to Fluttershy without a fight _(no, she can't just admit that I'm not smart enough to fight off seven ponies by myself)_, but it's what happened afterwards that has me worried._

_Seeing nothing wrong of it at the time, I asked that he apologize to Pinkie Pie for throwing his cake at her on Wednesday afternoon. While he did actually say he was sorry, as begrudgingly as he could, Pinkie demanded that he also attend a party of hers and other odd requests along with the apology. In reaction he scowled angrily and slammed his door in her face. I'm very worried as his behavior towards Pinkie has become more and more hostile as of late and that goes without mentioning the grudge I've sensed he has been holding for Derpy Hooves. He only seems to mildly dislike Pinkie and I'm very uncertain what he'd do to a pony he really dislikes should he choose to become violent _(oh, she'll see eventually, they'll all see)._ I'll keep you posted about this as you requested. And to answer your question, no, I do not believe that we are in need of having him trailed by some of your guards as these last few encounters seem to be misunderstandings _(I was not aware that I was being considered for royal stalking…I guess I owe the nerd for saving my flank…).

_As for Rainbow Dash, I'm very pleased to admit that her condition has improved dramatically since the incident. They actually let her out of the hospital today as her injuries have healed splendidly. She'll have a limp for another few days _(called it!)_ which means she'll have to take it easy when she lands and takes off, but everything else is fine and ready to go. Pinkie even decided to throw Rainbow a party tonight at my library to congratulate her on her quick recovery. I can't wait for that! I even got Rainbow an autographed copy of the latest Daring Do book as a present to keep her out of the sky long enough for her leg to fully heal _(that would be 'we' who got her that book…I hate it when ponies try to take credit for something they didn't do)_._

_A final point I'd like to touch upon regarding Ipsa has is that he has shown that he is not a coldhearted stallion as he seems to be showing a genuine interest in wishing Rainbow good health as he has sent her flowers two days in a row now. I'm surprised that she's been receptive of his apologies as Dash tends to be the one to jump to conclusion, usually bad ones that end up getting her in trouble. His actions still confuse me, but I'm glad to see that he has some semblance of a heart._

_Love,_

_Your Faithful Student,_

_Twilight Sparkle_

I'm not going to lie, that letter surprised me. I should definitely keep on the low now that I know that Princess Celestia wants me followed. By the way, that's my proof that there is a conspiracy with all the mares. Even the ruler of the country is in on it!

The love letter is a lot shorter and really corny. I'm also pretty sure that whoever wrote it has some experience with writing as it is actually kind of well written. By that, I mean it doesn't look like a retarded foal got their mouth on a quill and decided to draw fun shapes on paper. Take a look:

_Every time I see you my heart melts and I want to scream that I'm sorry. If I had the stomach to do so, I'd find you right now and tell you again and again how sorry I am. I know I've told you this almost a thousand times by now, but I can't help but get the feeling you never listened. It wasn't my intention to harm you. I just don't know what went wrong. _

_I wish I had the courage to tell you that I look at you as often as I do, but I'm frightened of how you'll react. My friends tell me that I should just forget about it and just move on, but I can't forget about you. I wish I had the heart to say all of this to your face, but this will have to do for now._

_Love,_

_Your Secret Admirer_

That. Absolutely. Is. The. Corniest. Thing. Ever. Written.

I'd love to go on with ripping on whoever it is that wrote this, but sleep calls and I've got a date at noon. So see you…wait…I'm forgetting something…something important. Well crap, I'm too tired to touch upon it now. I guess I'll get into the details in tomorrow's mevening entry. However, I want to leave you with a better cliffhanger than that; I found an abandoned filly daynight and she's currently staying with me. I'm not sure about what to do with her, but I'm sure I'll figure something out tomorrow.

Time for the sleepy sleeps.


	11. So Very Tired

Can you say best date ever? No? Oh right, you're a book. How silly of me, I'll have to remember that one. Thanks for reminding me Booky; I promise I won't forget again.

As you can tell, I'm extremely excited over how well my date with Octavia went. Despite the constant presence of a white mare with blue hair and sunglasses -she couldn't hide from my piercing gaze, conspirators never can- Octavia and I hit it off pretty well. Alas, I'm still a virgin, but that can be solved in time. However, I now have a possible outlet for that special kind of frustration. Luckily, I remembered to tone down my hotness for the date. That way I can unveil the entirety of the hotness at a later date when she is more taken with me.

I learned a good deal about her while we conversed and ate. I'll make a list so that I can have a reference to rely on should the information become needed: her favorite color is burgundy, her favorite instrument is the cello, she plays the cello, she's a year older than me, she lives with a roommate here in Ponyville, her roommate's name is Vinyl Scratch, she dislikes Vinyl's music, she isn't fond of Pinkie Pie's behavior -I practically swooned right there-, she was trained to play the cello in Canterlot, she was originally born in Ponyville, her cutie mark -a treble clef- symbolizes her musical talent, she's terrified of spiders -by Celestia's teat I think I'm in love-, and she is fond of winter.

You have no clue how much I wanted to grill her on that night in the ally...you know…the one where I caught her getting necked by somepony. I don't think she's overly fond of me though. According to her, as this was a question I actually did ask, the ponies of Ponyville aren't too sure of what to think of me. She said that the majority of the town felt bad for me after the fire and many wanted to help but just didn't know how to approach me. I relayed to her that was a good thing as I generally don't like being approached. All in all, I'm apparently quite the urban legend as foals think of me as a vampire and other silly things like that.

Things got kind of serious when she asked why I had attacked Pinkie and the lesbian. First off, you cannot attack somepony with pastries, it just wouldn't work. Secondly, I must remember to take note that she did not seem to approve of the way I got angry talking about Pinktard. Lastly, I do not like Pinkie Pie. That last one is more of a reminder as I don't want that information to EVER be overlooked.

To be honest, I'm really glad that I asked her out. Yeah, I lost a lot of sleep and I'm still really tired despite having just gotten out of bed, but I never get to go out to places and I even neverer get to hang out with anypony. I must also mention that the expressions on everypony's faces at seeing me in the daylight were priceless. It was like they were seeing a ghost or something.

Oh! I saw Twilight while I was out earlier. She looked like she wanted to have a word with me, but the second she saw Octavia she kind of got this retarded look on her face like she had no clue what to think about what she was seeing. I was hoping she would come over and say hi so that I could relish in audibly saying I was on a date, but she chose to trot off with a weird smile rather than pursue whatever was on her mind before.

Being the gentlecolt that I am, I escorted my date home -with that stalker pony lurking just out of view at all times- charitably. She said that she really enjoyed our lunch and that she'd had more fun than she had personally believed she would. What really caught my attention was when she said that she'd be very open to going out again sometime and then –get ready for this- she kissed my cheek before heading into her abode.

She kissed me, she really kissed me! A mare kissed me! A female pressed her lips against my cheeks! If I was a pegasus, which I am thankfully not, then my wings would've fired off like fireworks. I'm not one to blush and I can't recall a pony ever seeing me blush, but that provoked a change of color beneath my fur. My face heated up like it was on fire and my pupils shrank so much that it kind of hurt. I think she noticed as she started to giggle before closing the door. Do mares think blushing is cute? Why would that be the case? I don't know, but that's a lesson I'm going to remember.

As much as I would've liked to see the sights of Ponyville in daylight for the first time since whenever, my fatigue hit me hard and made me drag myself towards my beloved house. I saw a few ponies -the white pony with the blue mane from before was noticeably absent at that point- on my trek back to the abode. To my shame, I was only able to put a name to a few of them. However, I did see a few familiar faces that waved in surprised -remember how I said it was like everypony was seeing a ghost- greeting. I recall seeing the bane of all language, Lyra, hanging out with a mare whose voice will haunt my nightmares forever. Honestly, who would've thought that the killer of words would spend time with a pony whose voice was an abomination?

There are a few little quirks about a few ponies I saw that I must mention. Rose, the traitorous mole, tried to hide a blush as she giggled at seeing me. That was very ridiculous of her; my hotness wasn't even that high at the time. I can only assume that her giggles were some form of sign to her superiors that their target was in the open. Nothing peculiar happened, but it is terrifying to know that something COULD happen. Applejack gave me a hearty wave when she saw me slunk by her stand. If I didn't know any better -I don't think I do this time- then I'd say she thought she and I had become friends. Maybe I could say that about Big Macintosh, but I don't know if I'd go as far as to say I was friends with her.

It is at this time that I must thank Celestia/Luna -whichever of them were behind the blessing bestowed upon me earlier in the market- as I mistakenly locked eyes with Pinkie Pie from across a crowd. I didn't mean to do it, I honestly didn't. Booky, you have to believe me. I would NEVER purposely invite her annoyance upon me. My luck kicked in when she didn't come after me. I can say that I feel lucky to be without a migraine right now.

As a final note on the happenings of my venture into the light, I noticed the lesbian was doing something in the sky and she noticed me noticing her. If a word exists that describes what a blush looks like on a furious pony's face, then I'd like to know it. Never one to invite annoyance upon myself -as previously stated- I simply nodded a greeting to her before continuing my way home. She'll warm up to me, if she already hasn't that is. Once I send her the flowers and tickets she'll probably be giggling awkwardly whenever she sees me.

That brings me to the next topic of conversational rants in a book I have come to call my friend; the filly I found during work last daynight.

She's an odd little thing, all purple and crap. Her mane is the cool part though as it is a deeper shade of purple from her body with light pink tips at the edges. As you've probably guessed by your observations, she's a unicorn. I don't know if that's important or not, but I'm sure it will help when I throw her back out onto the street as unicorns are hard to miss.

Her mannerisms are really weird as well, it's almost like she was tailor-made to not be noticed. Not once has she even uttered anything other than a few grunts, eeps -whatever the tartarus those are-, squeaks, and chirps. To be honest, I don't even think she CAN talk. I've asked her for her name almost five times now and I've gotten nothing but a blank stare in return. It could be possible that she doesn't speak Equestrian, but that'd be dumb. Plus, even if that was the case, that doesn't mean she wouldn't be capable of spouting off gibberish in whatever savage tongues exist beyond Equestrian. She doesn't even seem frightened to be around me or anything like that. It's always the exact same damn stare…well…not always. Sometimes she graces me with a curious look that begs me to tell her what it is I'm doing or what something is that she is looking at. Her eyes are adorable though, that's how I got persuaded to bring her home with me.

I found her curled up inside of a broken wooden crate that was begging to be put into Carty with the other garbage. She was shaking and seemed pretty much scared out of her mind. Seeing as she doesn't seem homesick or anything, I'm going to conclude that she saw a spider or something. She stopped shivering -and crying as I found out shortly after she looked at me- when I told her to get out of the crate. I was going to just dump her out and continue on my merry way when I saw those damned eyes of hers. It was like she wasn't as scared as she was when I found her. Weird, right? She seems to really like me being around her. I'll continue on that in the next paragraph.

Not once since I told her she could stay with me until the morrow -which has extended until later in this entry where I'll decide her fate- has she left my side. She's always either a few inches beside me or within close viewing distance. I've learned this also extends to hearing as she got upset when I tried to use the toilet with the door closed. I had to freaking sing to her to get her to stop sobbing. By the way, that hasn't ceased yet. Right to my left she is currently resting her head on the arm of my couch watching me write in you. To be honest -I'm being really honest this mevening-, her constant attention isn't as weird or annoying as I thought it would be. I hardly even notice her until she scares the crap out of me by way of me forgetting she's there.

I have no clue how that'll work out when I go out on the town. She was asleep when I went out for my date at the unlawful hour of noon. Her issue with having me around is actually kind of severe. You see, I decided to let her take a bath last daynight -as she kind of smelt of bad smells- and she wouldn't even stay in the water unless I was in there with her. And when I was sitting beside the tub awkwardly trying to give her privacy? She sat in the water and stared at me. Yep, I can tell you know where this is going. I had to bathe her, AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT?! Me bathing a filly, I swear I felt like I was in some sort of weird dream. It worked though as she stopped staring and actually started to play with the suds in the tub -don't judge bro, I like bubble baths- which made me practically sick with the amount of cuteness she displayed whilst doing so.

Here's the problem though; what do I do with her? Do I just leave her in the street? Do I go out to the market and declare that I've found somepony's foal? Do I sell her to Twilight like I do the rest of the crap I find? That's it! I'll take her to Twilight!

Being a proxy to Mayor Mare must mean that the nerd would know what to do in this situation. Maybe I can just leave the filly at her place and wash my hooves of the affair? Yeah, that'd work. If I can get Twilight to buy trash on a daily basis, then I'm pretty sure I can pawn off a foal to her. It'll still look really weird having her out there with me in town. Maybe everypony won't notice? Yeah, that should work. Fate's usually cruel to me, but I've apparently entered a lucky streak and it could work to my favor.

Alright, now that I've got that out of the way, let's plan my nightday. First I want to head out to Rose's stand and send a final batch of flowers to the lesbian with the Wonderbolts' tickets. I'll be sure to send her something different than posies this time, perhaps some orchids or something like that? After that I might swing by the Apples little set up in the market to grab some snacks before making my way to the required destination for nightday; Twilight's.

My dealings with her will be weird nightday as I've got to be able to somehow keep her calm when I reveal that I have in my possession a letter from her to the Princess. I won't even charge anything for the return of that scroll. I'll be coy about the love letter; maybe I can milk the identity of the intended target of the letter or of the sender who sent said letter. However, I'll have to play everything cool as the filly must take priority as I doubt she'd wait outside for me to get done with my business talks with the nerd.

This is all going to pay off for me Booky! When I get home daynight, I will be richer, filly-less, probably really tired, and I'll have taken the next two steps to winning the lesbian's allegiance. Once I've assured her alliance, I can begin to make my move on plans PINKIE-BREAKER and MUFFIN DESTROYERER!


	12. D'awww!

This was not how things were supposed to turn out, not at all. Sure, almost everything happened the way I wanted it to, but the ONE thing that I needed to go my way DIDN'T go my way. By that I mean that the filly is still in my possession.

Bucking Twilight Sparkle, I'm so not fond of her right now. I went to her, just as I said I would, with that filly riding in Carty, an experience she really enjoyed it appears, and then Twilight just up and decides to be useless to me. At first she's all shocked and curious that the issue I'm consulting with her about is the one that it is. I don't blame her for that one, I had never expected to have to do deal with some runaway filly, but the least she could've done was actually HELP. No, Twilight did a little examination on the filly, so as to determine if she was healthy or not, and then informed me that she would ask around town about anypony missing a filly. Shouldn't be so hard, right? WRONG! As it turns out, my schedule finally turned on me and the nerd told me that the filly would have to stay with somepony for another night due to how late it was. She offered her home to the brat and you know what the filly did? That stupid little foal clung to my leg and cried. Yep, cried. So, until tomorrow at least, I'm stuck with her.

Celestia help me that crying crap got old quickly, but there's nothing that could be done about it. If giving Twilight some time to find this twerp's family will get her off my hooves, then I'm all for suffering until tomorrow.

What's that, Booky? Didn't I have something important to do with Twilight other than the brat? Why yes, I did! Thanks for reminding me! That earns you one brownie point! You're almost there bucko!

After getting the filly to shut up -I had to sing to her….again…in front of somepony…outside my house- I began to conduct business as usual with Twilight. Her reaction to my having the books was hilarious. That stupid mug of hers held a look of pure confusion until the annoyance began to peak through her features. Seeing that, I immediately sprung the surprise that she would only be getting three of the four books back by way of bits. The last one would be free of charge, but came with the conditions I told you about last daynight. To put it bluntly, she was not amused. She tried to lecture me about the morals of my actions, but I silenced her pretty quickly by telling her that I was not only in the right in this matter, but that I was doing a good deed. Also, I told her that I REALLY didn't care about learning a lesson nightday.

I found the book in the street; therefore, it belonged to me. Rather than take cash for the return of the book, my conditions were that Twilight gift the book to the lesbian as she had planned, only with the wrapping paper and tag I provided. As you can see, my action was not only logical, it was charitable.

What peeved me was that she dared to question me about why I was being so forthcoming with her friend. In her defense, she did raise a good point by correctly remembering my distrust of mares and my overall sour disposition towards ponies in general. However, that didn't exscuse her unspoken accusations. As much as I would've liked to slam her hard for daring to assume I'd do something to harm her friend, I felt as though having the Princess' student be neutral -if not friendly- towards me would be most beneficial for me. Knowing that, I worked up some sort of sob story about how I felt horrible for hurting her and that I was only doing what I thought would cheer her up and help her forgive me.

Booky, do you think I should become a writer or something? Do you think lying is my special talent? What would a lying cutie mark even look like, a politician? Cause that was a very well crafted one that I pulled out of absolutely thin air. Not only do I not care that I hurt her -as I recall, that was the plan when she ripped my previous favorite bowtie thing- and humiliated her, but I am in no way trying to cheer her up or have her forgive me. I only want the lesbian to act in my defense when the time comes for Ponyville to collectively ask, "Why would you do that to our precious mailmare?"

My exscuse seemed to work relatively well, but Twilight warned me that she was only being protective of her friend. That was where the cookie crumbled. My theory is that she got pissed earlier when she saw me with Octavia despite apparently -in her eyes- having the hots for the lesbian. However, there is the question of that weird smile she had…

As much as I would like to say that was the end of my frustrations with her nightday, there were still issues to be had. Namely the scroll she had intended to send to Princess Celestia. She didn't seem too affected by the knowledge that I had read the thing and I can only assume that is a consequence of her probably already having figured I had it. I am under the belief that I mentally broke her in some way as the only reaction I managed to draw from her for the rest of my being there came when she bought the doll from me. The way she hugged that thing was weird, it was like she loved it just as much as she would a pony. Weird, who would treat an inanimate object like a pony, right?

Despite her oddness, the rest of my nightday went pretty well. Having the filly riding around in Carty provided me with a few stares that made me skittish. What seemed to work in my favor, however, was that the filly's presence absolutely shocked Rose -the undercover mole for the conspiracy against my happiness- when I went to send the final batch of flowers. She saw me coming and got her newly acquired creepy smile going, but I can only assume that didn't take her very long to notice the foal in my cart. Oddly enough, she never questioned me about her and only took my order quietly, all the while apparently holding back tears or something. Mares are weird, Booky….especially the ones that conspire against me.

After my jam-fest with Twilight, I decided to make an executive decision regarding the filly. You see, I can't have the filly running around with me, until tomorrow at the earliest, looking like some commoner or something like that. I've got an image that I need to maintain after all. Knowing that, I dropped by Rarity's shop -I almost lost the filly a couple of times due to her blending in with the color of the building- with the intent of doing business. I was greeted by the same lame sing-song greeting Rarity used last time, she even stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me standing in her doorway like she did the first time I walked into her establishment.

I think I've been completely wrong about Rarity. Out of the ponies I deal with, she is the only one who is both struck by my presence and respectful towards me at the same time. I really like that quality. Granted, she asked me where I got the filly from, a question I've grown to loathe, but she never ONCE brought it up again after I explained it to her. How cool is that?

Anykung-fu, I acquired the filly a bowtie thingy like the one I have and she looks wonderful in it. At least now I don't feel bad about showing up in public with her by my side. That doesn't mean that I will tolerate this situation for long, but it means that she is going to look good until I'm fed up with her.

I'm sad to say that I didn't really see anypony else that I recognized or wanted to recognize. At several different points I swear I was being followed by a pegasus or something as there was this weird cloud with eyes following me everywhere. Perhaps my gifts have been failing…I mean, the lesbian apparently isn't the smartest knife in the coconut drawer. What if she thinks I'm only trying to accomplish something rather than trying to make her my friend or something more if she sees it that way? I mean, yeah, I'm not trying to make her my friend or something more and I am indeed attempting to accomplish something, but that's no excuse for her to be suspicious like that. Plus, it's rude to just follow somepony around like that.

The pickings daynight were pretty bad in terms of stuff to sell. I mean, I did find a bag filled with fresh muffins, a blanket, and a potato. I'm a little perplexed about the muffins, but I'll let it slide this time. There isn't a thing wrong with having something to snack on while working. The blanket wasn't a very nice one and I don't think I could even get a bit or two out of it. Don't get me started on the potato…I hate potatoes…they freak me right the tartarus out.

As useless as my findings were daynight, the items I did find found good use at different times each. The muffins fed me and the filly, the blanket allowed the filly to sleep in Carty, and the potato allowed me to test just how far I could toss a potato. Ah, I see you've noticed the oddity of that sentence. I had to bring the filly with me during my route daynight and she couldn't hang on very long. Around two or so she could barely walk so I tossed her into Carty and draped the blanket over her. D'aww…I know…aren't I the nicest pony in the world?

Tomorrow should prove to be interesting in some form or way. I'm going to have to visit Twilight and get a handle on the situation regarding the filly. Also, I think I'm supposed to get paid by Mayor Mare sometime soon or something. I guess that since I am going out for those errands tomorrow, I could go see Octavia and see if we could do what she considers to be dinner or something. I refuse to be awake at noon ever again…just the thought makes my fur squirm.


	13. Why Must I Squirm?

Sometimes I like to think my mom would be proud of me. I like to sit around and just remember that smile of hers. It isn't always easy as I've blocked out a lot of those memories, but the ones I can recall are pretty much treasures to me. Sometimes I feel cold and empty inside and I can't help but remember her and feel the pain slip away. That's what love is.

Heh, she used to make the absolute best pancakes in the world. Even that crap of a father of mine enjoyed them. Buck, he even ate breakfast with us when she made pancakes. I suppose she wasn't the best cook in the world, but she made everything better. A rainy day to anypony else meant water and wetness, to her it meant we could play Super Stallion. I miss the games she used to play with me. True to form, even the ones that were stupid for the foal version of me were fun with her.

In a way I still haven't gotten over her passing. Sometimes I wake up and expect to hear her cheerful singing in the kitchen, other times I wake up and wish I could hear it. A thought of her rushes through my mind with every bite of any pancake I ever eat. That crap even happens with things that you wouldn't think it would happen with. I've even gotten sudden memories from just tossing chunks of wood into Carty. Bees are the worst though.

I haven't ever been good with those damned things and it got worse after she died. It's why I hate pretty much all insects everywhere. When I hear the buzzing of tiny wings, I lose it. I also hate trees because of it; now that I think of it, if it weren't for the necessity that Twilight served, then I'd never go anywhere near that bucking library. Not only is it a tree, but it has a bucking bee hive right there in its branches!

See? I want her right now, I want to feel her warm legs wrap around me to wash away all of this crap. I'd even tolerate being in my father's presence if it meant going back in time before she died. I know it's a fools dream…I can't help it though…I want my mommy back…she's the only good dream I ever have.

That brings me to why I'm depressed right now. I'm sure you've been wondering that up until that point and are probably eager for an answer, but give me a second, Booky. It isn't easy missing your mom…especially when you remember that you haven't even thought about her for almost two months…

Around noon -the time of the devil- I was awoken by somepony knocking on my door. Can you guess who it was? Go on, I'll give you a chance to guess it. No? Ok, be that way you freaking stick in the mud.

Standing on the other side of my front door was none other than bucking Twilight Sparkle. Yep, I can tell you know just how happy I was to see her. Being the kind and understanding pony that I am, I greeted her with a simple, "WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU WANT?!" Do you think she caught on that I was a little upset at being bothered in the middle of my sleepy time? Cause I think I could use a bit more subtly.

She told me that she was here to take me to go and meet somepony named Miss Cherilee. Let me rephrase that, she was here to take the filly to go meet somepony named Miss Cherilee. I had to tag along for two raisins…I mean reasons…forgive me, I haven't had breakfast yet. One, the damned foal won't go anywhere without me right bucking next to her. Two, apparently Cherilee needed the presence of the filly's legal guardian or something, which I technically am until the girl's family shows up looking for her.

Let me tell you who Miss Cherilee is and why I don't care much for her. You see, when I was a foal, I went to school for a little while before daddy dearest decided my education wasn't worth the hype everypony was giving it. While in school, I had classmates of similar age to myself. One of them was Miss Cherilee. I'm sorry, let me use her full name rather than formal crap; Blossom Cherilee. If she went by Miss Blossom then I probably would've recognized her before I had to bucking meet her. You see, she was one of the last foals I remember talking to before I decided that isolating myself would be fun. Thus, she is not somepony I would usually associate myself with ever.

What she had to say didn't bucking help either. Apparently there's some law or something about foals being in school nowadays. WHERE THE BUCK WAS THAT WHEN I WAS A FOAL?! SEE, DO YOU BUCKING SEE?! THERE'S A CONSPIRA-BUCKING-CY AGAINST ME!

Sorry about that…I don't quite know what came over me there for a second. Where was I? Oh yeah, that crap.

School starts at 7 in the bucking morning. Yep, my sleepy time. Guess when it ends? THAT'S RIGHT! 3 in the bucking afternoon! I will be getting less sleep because of this crap! Want to know what else Celestia saw fit to have happen to me in that damn meeting?! I have to ATTEND CLASS until that bucking filly can sit in class without me. When Twilight suggested that as an answer to the filly's reluctance to leave my side, I felt like bucking the foal in the neck and being done with it. My damned fatigue at being woken WAY TOO DAMN EARLY stopped me doing so.

There were two positive notes about waking up so damn early and being about town. One, Twilight happened to have my payment for my work this month! BUCK YEAH! FIVE HUNDRED BITS RIGHT INTO DRAIN! Oh, I didn't mention that yet? Having a filly in the house has forced me to accommodate for her Celestia-damned gluttonous hunger. The other good thing was that I got to run into Octavia, who actually seemed happy to see me! Yep, I'm feeling good about plan GETTIN' BUSY!

She and I scheduled dinner at a café around five tomorrow. That's great, gives me two hours to clean up after getting home from bucking school. What's that you say? Why will it take me two hours to wash up? Well, my bookish friend, I'll have to personally bathe the damn filly and thus bathe myself afterwards as she'll get me covered in bath water. Oh, if you haven't figured it out yet, I have to take her with me on the date. Yep, getting laid is going to be REALLY HARD -heh, I said hard- with her around. Oh well, at least she seems like she can tolerate the nuisance better than I can.

And no, that damn filly has yet to speak a single damn word. Want to know something funny? That little aspect of her personality that I've cherished up until nightday has a nasty side-effect; nopony knows her bucking name and she kind of needs that.

When it comes to names, I like to stick to my family's tradition of using ancient Equestrian to name new members of the family, even if they are temporary. My mom named me using that tradition. What, didn't Ipsa Unica strike you as being an odd pony name? No? Well, how high society of you, Booky. You've actually just earned another brownie point! Only a few left there old chap!

Now please, allow me to elaborate as to what my name means in ancient Equestrian; Ipsa Unica stands for 'very unique' in that old language. Oh, no, you don't have to tell me; I'm well aware that it's an ironic name for a blank flank. I don't bucking care, my mommy thought I was unique and that's always mattered to me more than some stupid picture on my plot. As for the filly, I went for something similarly symbolic whilst retaining a redundancy to make me smile every time I hear it being said; Vocem Non, which means 'no voice' in ancient Equestrian.

Unfortunately, Blossom/Cherilee seemed to remember why my name was ancient Equestrian as she apparently couldn't help asking me how I've been since my mom died. REALLY? THAT'S THE BUCKING QUESTION SHE HAD TO ASK?! Well, being the level headed stallion that I'm known for being, I answered her as politely as I could, "I'm glad you asked, Miss Cherilee. Let's see, I've had my house burn down on top of me, I've almost burned to death in a slow inferno, I lost all of my most important possessions, I'm still a bucking blank flank, my father abused me further after pulling me out of school, I had to daily wonder whether or not I'd fight him, he left me home alone to go run off with a mare two years my junior, I've got Celestia's personal negative attention apparently, and I lead a charmingly lonely life. That about answer your question?"

Yep, I went there. I stormed off with the filly -who I muse remember to starting labeling as V cause single letter name's rule- in tow. Luckily I ran into Octavia and was able to put that whole crap behind before coming home and crying myself to sleep.

Now, what does my nightday look like? Well, I no longer have to go talk to Twilight, Mayor Mare, or anypony else. So…I guess that leaves…shopping for school supplies…yay…


	14. Nope, Not Dead Yet

I'm tired. So…very…tired. Why can't everything be simple and not hard? It really would make me happy if I didn't have to be exhausted right now. For the sake of crap, it isn't even my damn job that's making me all tired all the time. No, I have THE easiest job in the entirety of Ponyville and I have nothing but praise for it. I know what you're thinking; if not my job, then what could possibly be making me whine about fatigue? Well, let me tell ya, being me isn't as easy as it used to be.

Ponies used to never even give me a second glance. I'd go shopping for food and they'd only give me what I needed and leave me be. Nopony would wave to me in greeting, nopony would try and make awkward small talk, nopony would tackle me to the ground in thanks, and nopony would bother me. My life was like an afterthought that only occurred to those that had to deal with me. Mayor Mare and Twilight were forced to deal with me due to my occupation and, in Twilight's case, the lack of Mayor Mare's availability. Big Macintosh and Applejack were forced to deal with me because they sell food and because they take organic stuff from me that I pick up during my route. That was it. Nopony else ever thought of me. That was before the fire.

Here is the list of ponies that I must deal with on an almost daily basis: Twilight Sparkle, Mayor Mare, Big Macintosh, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rose -not entirely sure if that's even her name at this point-, Spike, Rarity, V, Octavia, and now Cheerilee. Crap, even Pinkie Pie seems intent on bothering me by staying within eyesight. Thankfully she doesn't choose to approach me, but just seeing her is painful enough. I'm lucky that retard doesn't insist I deal with her. Worst part? I've apparently now got Princess Celestia's attention…in a bad way. That's too many annoyances. Far too damn many.

You may be wondering what it is that's made me so tired; allow me to indulge you into the happenings of my nightday and daynight.

It all started with me heading out with V to get her some school supplies. I will admit that I enjoyed myself far more than I should have as we made a very important stop by Rarity's to get some new bowtie things for me and the brat, two new saddlebags for me and the brat, and a brand new blanket for me. I'm very impressed with what the unicorn churned out. Seven brand new bowtie things for V with each being in a different color and different designs, three new bowtie things for myself with each being the same color and design, a beautifully stitched white saddlebag with gold lining for V with a heart shaped clasp, a generic saddlebag for me with a clasp shaped clasp, and a blanket that isn't finished yet. I was really amazed she was able to actually finish the order within an hour. However, given the size of the bowtie things and the non-complicatedness of the saddlebags, it isn't really surprising that they'd be easy to make. The blanket is another story. Rarity said it would take her another day to complete it to my specifications. I asked her to make the softest and most comfortable pink blanket that she could. I'm really eager about getting that thing. Once I have it in my possession, I can give V the crappy one that I found in the street.

I've actually taken quite a liking to visiting Rarity. Though ponies seem to be actually willing to give me a chance by being friendly, she is the only one who seems legitimately respectful and fearful. What's actually a little weird is that she doesn't seem as scared of me as she was before. It must have something to do with being around my hotness so much. I used to think my hotness would be almost radioactive for anypony to be around it long enough, I suppose that I can now say that my suspicions were true.

Afterwards I dropped by Rose's stand and got five posies for me and V to snack upon. I swear, Rose gets weirder and weirder every time I stop by her stupid stand. She must be a new operative for the conspiracy as she's not very good at hiding the fact that she's hiding something.

I spent almost five minutes looking for a place that sold pencils or paper. This crap is too stupid to be true. I couldn't find ONE damn place that sold either. Can you believe that?! To say I was displeased would be correct as I honestly haven't really cared too much about this whole thing since the duty was unceremoniously put upon me. So, rather than make a scene in town, I decided to go to Twilight's library since there is literally nowhere else in Ponyville I could think would have the materials I want.

This visit turned out to be the MOST BORING THING EVER! Well, I wouldn't say ever. I have yet to sit through an entire day of school watching colts and fillies listen to a mare drone on for hours. The only thing that stupid nerd could talk about was how happy she was that her brother was coming for a visit. Yeah, I couldn't even try to give a buck on that one.

Luckily, the nerd had exactly what it is I needed and seemed more than happy to see that I was actually doing what she had told me was my duty to do. Yeah, that's right bitch, believe the illusion I have concocted. The very second Celestia takes her eyes off me the restraints come off and I'll have my vengeance.

Oh wow…that was dark…like…really dark. I'm not even kidding right now…that sounded straight up villainous! Huh, that's definitely food for thought.

My biggest mistake of the nightday turned out to be me taking my damn time in getting home with the brat and my new purchases. You see, if I had only trotted a little bit faster then I wouldn't have had the pleasure of being tackled to the ground by a certain lesbian I had to remind myself not to kill in my rage.

There is some good news in that, however, rather than attacking me for whatever contrived reason she could concoct, the lesbian was actually trying to _hug_ me and had simply failed to watch her speed. I'm all for mares rubbing up against me and everything, but I do not like being pseudo-raped by an overly energetic lesbian.

According to her hurried speech -she was very excited as I referenced above-, she had only just this an hour ago received a package from the Derptard that contained my flowers and tickets that I had sent her. She told me that she had been meaning to thank me for the flowers I had been sending and that she REALLY -she stressed that part- wanted to thank me for unexpected gift of her newest Daring Do book. Now these are her words and not mine, so please forgive the unpleasantness of her word choice and usage, "And when Derpy delivered some more flowers from you that also happened to come with some freaking Wonderbolts tickets, I practically EXPLODED FROM THE AWESOMENESS!" Her addition to that pleasant exclamation was almost as bad as the Lyra the Word Killer's little priceless quote, "YOUAREWITHOUTADOUBTTHERADDESTSTALLIONI'VEEVERMETA NDIWANTEDTOSAYTHANKSANDMAYBEASKIFYOUWANTEDTOGOWITH METOSEETHEWONDERBOLTSINCANTERLOTONWEDNESDAY?" If I did not require her alliance, then I would've bucked her mouth shut for that crime against the spoken tongue.

If you couldn't quite catch what she was trying to get across, allow me to spell it out for you; she was really grateful for my final gift and wanted to have the second ticket and go with her to Canterlot on Wednesday to see them with her. That better?

Seeing my opportunity to seal the deal with this alliance, I accepted with the most sincere smile I could manage. Of course this means that V will have to come along with us if she's still stuck in my damn house. I don't mind that fact though, she's already quiet as a damn mouse and I doubt she'd ruin anything for me.

The rest of the nightday passed on without incident after the lesbian finally left me alone after being REALLY grateful and happy with me. All that really happened was that I put my new purchases away and set Carty up for another daynight of work.

As usual, the filly never uttered a word beyond the simple whimper or chirp or something. I swear, I like the silence but her muteness is really depressing. She's old enough to be getting her cutie mark now and thus there is absolutely no reason that she should be a bucking mute. Oh well, not my problem…hopefully it remains that way.

My haul daynight was really unimpressive. I didn't bring home anything worth going nuts over. Here's what I brought home: a bowling ball, a Princess Celestia doll, and a wizard hat. This has been an odd three weeks or so in terms of finding things. I used to get a steady supply of stuff I could sell for twenty bits a piece and crap, but now it's either priceless treasure -of which I give prices to despite being priceless- or useless crap that I have no use for. Daynight was another of those daynights. However, there are two items of note that did not make it back to my sanctum after being found. I'll get into those after we play the break-it-down game.

Alright, let's do this; BREAK-IT-DOWN!

The doll is pretty freaking sweet if I must say so myself. I was not even aware that they made these kinds of things, but I'm not surprised now that I know. Celestia's the ruler of our country and is beloved by her many subjects, me not being among them. Don't get me wrong, I fear her power and authority and I think that she has the sex appeal that any mare would kill for, but her hips hide something that I don't think she is entirely aware isn't completely hidden. You see, I've never met the Princess personally -something that I wish to say for the rest of my life-, but I've seen her in town once or twice and I've noticed something rather telling about our ruler; her hips have the tell-tale sign that she is undergoing a diet of some sort. She appears just fit and thin enough to derive attention away, but the little roundness of her royal booty is one that I've grown to recognize due to the fatties I've seen in my lifetime. Think of it as trying to hide a horrendous mane cut under a hat only for it to pour out to the side and still be slightly visible. That being said, this doll is not anatomically correct as it lacks the size of her royal booty. Perceived value: ten bits.

The bowling ball is something that I don't find interesting at all. I've never liked bowling. I just don't get the point of the three holes on the ball and how they supposedly relate to how you roll it. All I've ever done successfully with one of these was to drop it off a roof and splatter a watermelon. This thing isn't quite fit for that task as it seems kind of small for a stallion or mare. Also, the quality of the item seems to suggest that it hasn't been inside for ages and thus was victim to the weather. Perceived value: ten bits.

At first I was really excited about the wizard hat. I've always wondered if they actually made these for real wizards to wear during their wizarding times. To my disappointment, this stupid thing looks to have been ravaged by something with claws or something like that. A real wizard hat would be magically indestructible. Which means this is a cheap knock off. Perceived value: one bit.

So yeah, not really a productive night in terms of what I could bring home with me. However, that's not to say that I came home broke.

The two items I found that I didn't end up bringing home with me were very useful to have out there in the daynight. Once more it seems that somepony- I'll get to that in a minute- dropped a bag of freshly baked muffins. These were very nice for me to find as I was starting to get hungry while V's stomach had been growling for an hour or something. The second item I found was the one that will pay for the trip to Canterlot on Wednesday. It was a really nice silver sash-thing with a sparkle design on the center of it. I'll elaborate in the next paragraph as I've grown tired of this one.

Having just found the muffins, I continued on my route as usual with V sitting happily in Carty munching on one of said muffins. I've actually grown quite fond of her presence. Even though Rarity, Applejack, and Octavia are fine enough company for me to suffer through without complaint, V is like something out of a dream. She does what I say, she listens to me when I speak, she doesn't talk, she's always in a chipper mood unless she isn't in one, and never makes ANY objections to ANYTHING I do or choose to do. I'd kill to know a mare like that. The only time I regret her presence is when I try to do anything by myself. V simply must be with me at all times or she gets incredibly upset.

I still can't imagine who would throw this filly out on the street. I mean yeah, I plan on doing the same thing when Twilight figures something out about what to do with her, but that still seems a little cruel. I'm at least throwing her out to a home that will house her. It actually makes me a little sick to think of somepony abandoning this little girl the way they did. To be honest, I'm really pissed that I can empathize with her on that issue. Nopony should be mistreated by a parent. Sure, I had my mom and I was happy, but that ended and I was left with daddy dearest who liked to show me his love with his hooves.

…Did I just tangent for a second? No, I mean, did I seriously just get side-tracked by this crap? That's weird…I better get rid of this filly before she causes me to do something I'll regret…something that'll make her parents regret their decision even more.

Where was I? Oh yes, the library.

Well, I trotted past the library as I normally do and I noticed that, as usual, the lights were all on. That usually means she is having one of those late night orgies she likes to have. I'd rather not ever know what she gets up to in that place when the town goes to bed.

Anyblue, the lights being on made something on the ground sparkle. I picked it up and it was the silver sash thing with the star emblem on the centerpiece. From what I could gather at the time, the thing must belong to Twilight as it was lying directly under her balcony which led me to the realization that she must've draped it over the railing of the balcony where the wind blew to the ground. I also came to the quick conclusion that the thing was important to her as I didn't make it five hoofsteps before I heard her yell my name from said balcony.

She didn't waste a single second in teleporting over to me and scaring the crap out of both me and V, Carty was fine as it takes alot more than that to startle him. Normally she would probably have been concerned that she had done something really stupid, but daynight seemed like one where she didn't even give the thought of remorse a second glance. From what I could gather from her begging tone of voice, the sash belongs to her visiting brother -eww, I was not aware Twilight was into that kind of thing- who had apparently lost said sash whilst helping his sister find a book on -yeah, I'm wasn't gonna believe that after having the thought of her nasty deeds in my head- the history of the article of clothing.

I can see that you know where this is going.

Being the important object it was, Twilight wanted it back. Well, my dear friend, I quickly recalled that the item in question was NOT an Element of Harmony and did NOT belong to the Princess in any way and was thus MINE according to law. This meant that I did not have to simply give back the thing without getting anything for it. Yep, that's right my dear friend, she had to pay this time. And pay this time she did.

After an agonizing five minute wait, Twilight finally gave in and bought the sash back from me then and there for TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE BITS! You could say that I was ecstatic about the exchange and I probably would've spent the rest of the daynight skipping like a certain pink retard had it not been for the briefest glimpse of a stallion glaring at me from the window of the library. Seeing him sent a shiver through my body as, remember as I said before about not wanting to know the nerd's fetishes, I realized he was her brother….the brother she was letting join her nightly orgy…you know…the orgy from tartarus.

Before I pass out for an hour -I've got to make sure I'm awake for school after all-, let me leave you with the realization I had about the muffins I've been finding. Written on the bag -I'm not sure whether or not the other bag from the other daynight had it too- was the accursed name of one Derpy Hooves. Yep, the retarded bane of my existence. It seems she's too retarded to keep track of her belongings as she heads home all the time. I mean come on; even I know the retard adores muffins. So she has to be pretty damn stupid to go and lose another bag of fresh muffins. Freaking retard.


	15. BLARG

GAH! GUH! GUBBA DUBBA SHUBB! GLAH! BLABIDABA! FLIPIDITY FLOPIDITY SHOOP! SHOOP! FLAH! PLAH! PAH! KALARTIGARIGAHLIMANITARP!

…Sorry about that Booky…I just…had to get that…out of my system…hold on…I think I've still got some left…

MEH! NIKLAPTABART! FOOP! FOOPTY POOP! PLOP! ZIGGY PIGGY WIGGY SHOOP! GLARP!

…There…that should about do it…now…please give me a second to compose myself before I go on…better make that two seconds…

Alrighty then, I think I'm good now. Let's do this!

This my first mevening after attending school with the brat. I believe it will never be an experience I will ever truly enjoy. It goes without saying that I'm tired as crap and that my patience is kind of whittled to a dangerous low. However, things are still salvageable as, despite my tiredness, my level of fatigue is actually pretty low. I won't go into details but I will mention that being treated to a very warm breakfast by Blossom -I refuse to call her Miss Cheerilee unless I'm in class- helped immensely.

To be honest, the majority of the time spent in class was actually rather interesting and I found it to be only mildly unbearable. The worst part was that I firmly had the attention of every filly and colt -with the obvious exception of V as she is apparently best filly- in the class. Blossom introduced V to the class to some success; everypony there seemed legitimately interested in meeting her. That kind of fell apart when Blossom mentioned that V doesn't talk much -try at all- and these two fillies scoffed and started whispering insults about V to each other. I can't believe how much I missed witnessing the cruelty of foalhood firsthoof.

Well, their little gossip stopped when Blossom gave the class her -FAKE- reason that I was there as the school's new Building Maintenance Manager….which one of the colts -a dapper young fellow by the name of Snails- correctly relabeled me as being the school's new janitor. Well, the fillies' gossip didn't actually stop there. It really stopped when she announced that I was also V's caregiver. I suppose they weren't expecting that one. Allow me to explain in the next paragraph.

Throughout the course of the day I came to understand that my reputation amongst the foals of Ponyville is indeed as dubious as I had previously thought. Many had no clue that the creepy blank flank who only came out at night was actually me. Some were beyond terrified by the no doubt flattering stories made up about me. Three fillies in particular -two of whom I kind of recognize, but more on that in a moment- seemed very interested in the fact that I was still a blank flank. The two who sat there coming up with insults for V are the two who will eventually receive my wrath. You see, I know all of this because I don't think any of them realized that I could actually hear their whisperings pretty good. Brats…they probably expected to me to have degenerated hearing or something old ponies have…I'm not old…I'm refreshingly aged to an acceptable point.

Anypoo -ha, I said poo-, the two fillies seemed to abandon their conversation about V as they went on for about two hours how fitting it was that the school janitor was a blank flank whose house burned down. Yep, those two. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

Current targets for my eventual rage fueled vengeance: Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Silver Spoon, and Diamond Tiara.

Well, after their two hours of trash talking about the new janitor –if you can't see what I did there then I believe our partnership has come to a close- I found that the foal sitting nearest to my chair in the corner -a pegasus named Featherweight- is gonna be my favorite out of this class. This dude knows the most interesting thing I've ever heard; photography. It goes without saying that he will be a focal point for me during the boring moments of class. If I recall correctly, my note passing skills are the best in history so our correspondence will go unhindered by Blossom's teaching. However, I do not think I can declare him a friend or an acquaintance or anything like that as he happens to be head of the school newspaper and I don't trust reporters. Seriously, reporters are like mares with cameras. Not only will they betray your trust, but they'll document it while they do.

Other than the two hours of listening to two targets make things worse for themselves and trading humorous jabs with my boy Featherweight, my time was taken up by observing the strange actions and reactions of three fillies in particular. The group is made up of an orange pegasus, a yellow Earth pony, and a white unicorn…cause…you know…it'd be offensive if any race was left out of their group. Nope, not gonna go on one of those tangents. I'll save that for later. I'd rather focus for now.

I recognize the unicorn and I kind of recognize the Earth pony. Obviously, the unicorn filly is Rarity's little sister Sweetie Belle. I kind of like her a little bit. The few times I've ever encountered her at Rarity's she's been just as respectful as her sister and has thus earned my patience. However, I'm sure that the coming week of school will prove me wrong about her…cause…you know…I'm such an optimist and everything.

The Earth pony seems vaguely familiar. I believe she's Big Mac's little sister, but I can't for the life of me think of her name. Oh well, not important.

I don't recognize the pegasus and I can already tell after observing the way she talks and moves that she is a careless tomboy…you know…the kind that leave the town in shambles come nightfall.

The only reason I've taken the time to point them out individually is because they have become V's very first friends and I'm sure my interactions with them will not be kept at the preferred maximum of none. Luckily, they were too focused on bothering V to talk to me, which means that I should be proud that V's finally starting to earn some brownie points of her own.

However, my interactions with the foals only took up maybe three hours at a combined total. Sure, that's not including the messes I had to clean up that were obviously intentionally made by some fillies or colts. To my pleasure, Blossom allowed me to address the class personally about the issue of cleaning their messes. Allow me to recount to you my wonderful speech, "Hello class, as your teacher has already informed you, my name is Ipsa Unica, but you may call me Mr. Unica. I will also go by Sir, Mr. Bob, or Sire. The reason I am here is because your teacher has hired me as the school's new Building Maintenance Manager. That means that I'll clean whatever messes are made so that you all can focus on learning. However, do not take me lightly. Should I catch ANY of you intentionally making a mess, I'll MAKE you clean it up for me. I know what you are all thinking, that I'm mean and that punishment is pretty harsh. Well good job on spotting the obvious. If you do not want to clean your mess then I propose that none of you make a mess intentionally." The looks on their faces were priceless.

As I was saying before I kind of veered off…yeah…my time was spent rather boringly during class. Since I have absolutely no interest in learning anything cause I am smarts, I spent the majority of my time eyeing Blossom's body. I must say that she has filled out wonderfully since her time as a filly. I am particularly impressed by her sizable backside. Oh, you didn't know? I'm all about booty.

I'm gonna take am minute here to thank Celestia for mares with sizable backsides. I mean, they really make going to the market worth it. And no, I'm talking about fatties like the one over at Sugarcube Corner. I'm talking about mares like Blossom, Applejack, the mare who sells bonbons, and the mare who sells carrots. Oh, and of course I can't leave out the heavenly booty of our ruler.

What's wonderful is that Blossom becomes so engrossed in teaching that she really loses track of time and position of her body. More than once I was treated to a nice view of her marehood and I must say that I am satisfied with the quality of attractiveness she has. If not for Octavia's firmly toned body then I'd definitely turn plan GETIN' BUSY towards Blossom. In fact, once Octavia wises up and betrays me like every other mare ever has, I will indeed try my hoof at getting some quality strange from the teacher.

Oh my, am I the only one who just had a shiver run up their spine?

Speaking of Octavia, our dinner -as she would define it- date is scheduled to occur in five minutes. That means that I can't linger this mevening.

My parting words are more of reminder for me than they are for you. My plan is to escort Octavia home after we eat and, assuming she doesn't jump me like my dreams would have believe would happen, I'll get straight to work as early as I can. I want to turn in at least two or three hours early so that I can actually get some damn sleep.

Now if you don't mind, I'm afraid my hotness alone won't burst Octavia into flames of arousal. To counter whatever mental resistance she has set up, I've decided to turn my SWAG on. Yeah, if I don't get laid nightday then I'll be really disappointed. Let's hope V doesn't screw things up…


	16. Evil Face is Evil and Has a Face

Booky, you honestly won't believe the nightday and daynight I've had! Great things have come to pass and greater things lurk on the horizon yet! Sure, there were a few unfortunate encounters that I would rather have not happened, but the positively magic event that followed more than made up for it!

On that note, I must mention how evil I am feeling right now. It isn't often that I get that warm and fuzzy feeling deep within my heart. I'm not even kidding about it, I desperately felt the urge to go and find a cat to stroke malevolently whilst I contemplate my plan. Can you believe that?! How often does anypony get to feel that pure evil flow through their being?! It's an evil so dark that it requires the use of props to properly display to others! However, I must stick to going over things in the order in which they occurred. Otherwise I'll be here all damn evenoring -yep, that's a thing now- going over how giddy I am over the wonderfulness that occurred to me.

As with any great story, mine started out with an unfortunate tragedy that befell me whilst I was occupied with thoughts. It may come as a surprise to you, but this horrible moment actually marks my very first kiss. Confusing? Well, I'll get to it in the coming paragraphs.

I left the house with plenty of time to be fashionably late to meet Octavia at her house. Aware of the acute possibility that I might complete plan GETTING' BUSY, I decided to adorn myself and V with the nicest bowtie things that Rarity provided. Let me be straight with you; we looked bucking sharp. Mares and stallions alike were awed by our very presence…well…more like MY presence rather than V's, after all, no shame to her or anything, but I had my hotness on high and my SWAG turned on. There was little that could be done for the onlookers trapped by my stunning combo of SWAG and hotness.

During this calm before the storm, several ponies actually said hi rather than waving from a distance. Many of them said something along the lines of a compliment or something, but I paid them no mind. The only three faces I recognized were met with extreme feelings -either pleasantness or innate desire to destroy- from me. I'll start with the most pleasant of the bunch.

Remember that stallion who gave me a rose a few days ago or something? No? Well shame on you, Booky. I'm docking a brownie point for that. Anyhue, he approached me again nightday and gave me a whole freaking bouquet of roses this time around. Can you freaking believe this guy?! I'd love to know his name so that I could remember to actually say hi to him every now and never, but he rushed off just like last time. I swear, he looked like a caramel colored blur the way he appeared and disappeared. Not taking any chances, I decided that I could be later than I planned on being with Octavia by giving her the roses to make up for it. Yep, things were going pretty well right there.

The second pony who got a special reaction out of me was none other than Lyra the Destroyer. Dear Celestia, I swear she actively tries to butcher language and the previous encounter wasn't just a fluke. I refuse to repeat what she said this time. I won't have your innocence ruined by her forked tongue. It's bad enough that I had to hear it, but for V to hear her talk was too much. I mean come on; the poor girl's just a stupid little filly. There's absolutely no damn reason she should have her world view of language raped at such an age! However, I realized that freaking out and stamping the fires of ignorance out would be a bad way to start the nightday -that realization would come back to bite my flank quicker than I had predicted it would- and thus I maintain my cool and simply greeted her and wished her well.

Imagine my surprise when the most obvious agent of the conspiracy against me, Rose, appeared from the crowd with a beaming smile. Being in a traumatized state from enduring Lyra the Evil's annoyance, I was just about ready to buck her away before she could ruin my nightday. Imagine my further surprise when she hoofed over a few bits whilst blushing madly. I still don't quite get why she did that. Her course of actions went from saying hi to saying hi to V to complimenting our attires to blushing madly to giving me money. That's a train of events that got derailed somewhere along the way. I haven't even a bucking clue as to why she would do that. I'm grateful she did as I was actually banking on Octavia paying for the meal. So I thanked her before trotting along with V beaming happily. I'm glad she actually enjoyed all the attention. That way I know she won't mind when I put her between crowds and me.

Do you see how life likes to falter? At first I get roses, then I have my ears raped, and then somepony gave me money. I was stupid not to call life on its bluff right then and there. I probably would've fared much better had I done so.

The horror began after I had safely secured the roses and bits into my saddlebag. Why didn't I pay attention? Why didn't my damn Annoysense -yeah, that's a thing now- warn me of the oncoming peril? AND WHY THE TARTARUS CAN'T THAT RETARD WATCH WHERE SHE'S FLYING?! Yep, you guessed it. My nightday was initially ruined by none other than Derptard herself.

I turned around, blissfully unaware of the crap life was about to take on me, and came face to face with the retarded bane of my existence. There was only a split second of realization as I saw her misaligned eyes approach me at lightning speed before the collision. For exactly two minutes I felt nothing but pressure in three places. One, on my nose where the brunt of the hit occurred. Two, on my body after she flung my glorious self to the ground and landed upon me. And three, on my lips where her lips pressed up against mine. In a move that has haunted me since and forever will; my natural reaction was to kiss back. What, did I not mention how her lips puckered and did kissing motions?

Before I could take the necessary action of destroying her, the first feeling I got beyond the numbness of the impact was the pain in my nose and the wetness of blood running out of my nostrils.

Naturally, the retard tried to apologize to me profusely as I unevenly screamed in both rage and pain. V hurried to my rescue and helped me up and hugged me worriedly around my foreleg. That move, though restricting my potential for destroying the retard, earned her twenty brownie points, which puts her five beneath you. Despite that hindrance, it felt nice to actually have somepony comfort me in some way. For exactly one second I was happy V was there for me. Why only one second? Well, that second moment was the one where I realized how much in the right I'd be to absolutely obliterate Derpy right then and there.

My reasoning for not doing so? Well, by the time I realized ready I was to kill her, we were both surrounded by ponies trying to help us. Actually, they were surrounding Derptard and trying to help her. It's that kind of stuff that helped me realize that a conspiracy DOES exist. Otherwise how would they all know to protect her?

Anyslay, I was not without aid. Rose and the lesbian -yeah, I'm not entirely sure where she came from either- were both assisting me with concerned eyes. It was their eyes that made me realize something that has only further engrained my hatred for Derpy. Rather than the half-lidded gaze that should have been there, they were both filled with concern and worry.

Allow me to take a moment to tell you something that will never be forgotten. Derpy Hooves broke my SWAG. That's right; the one nightday I pull it out with the intent of using it and it gets broken by a flying retard. As you are probably now aware, I did not get laid and thus plan GETTING' BUSY failed nightday. However, that doesn't mean there wasn't any success. That just means that Derpy sabotaged my secret weapon. Something I won't soon forget.

Rose had to get back to work and thus did not stay to make sure I was okay. By go back to work, I actually mean that she went to report to her superiors that their plan worked perfectly. I must admit, I'm actually impressed by the complexity of her distracting me with money and thus allowing the Derptard to bash my face in with her face.

The lesbian lingered long enough to make sure nothing serious was wrong. I had feared that my nose was broken and would look all crooked and crap, but she assured me that nothing was wrong. Rainbow actually earned herself five brownie points by calming me down with her compliments on my attire and her assurances that there was little to no swelling from the impact.

Normal Ipsa would've then have taken the opportunity to verbally destroy the crying retard. WHY THE HAY WAS SHE CRYING WHEN I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT HURT? Ugh, stupid idiot. Luckily for her, normal Ipsa probably had a concussion or something and thus was kept at bay while not-normal Ipsa thanked the lesbian before heading on his merry way to meet Octavia.

The date went splendidly after a clunky start. You see, in the time it took for me to arrive to Octavia's, my nose actually swelled up a bit. Yep, I greeted her looking like a bucking clown. She hid her surprise wonderfully and took the flowers with a blush. I cannot help but state that had my SWAG not been broken, then she would've swooned right there.

The food was nice enough for my tastes. We went to some café or something not fancy. I can't really remember

too well considering my possible concussion. I can tell you that our conversation went swimmingly. We mostly talked about music…well…she talked about music while I added my opinion when applicable. She has led such an interesting life. I'd relate it all to you, but that would be rude.

What has sold me on feelings for her is that she actually LISTENED when I told her some of the happier experiences I've endured. Mainly, I told her of the time I tried my hoof at piano, my original button collection, my record breaking fall from the roof of Ponyville's hospital, my crazy uncle Shenanigan who married a tree, my quiet aunt Pine who WAS a tree, and about the time I got hit by the Friendship Express. She really enjoyed hearing about all of that. Too bad I couldn't tell her the whole story about any of it. How my piano teacher is currently in prison for using his lessons to molest foals -I was not one of the ones that got bad touched as my dad refused to pay for any more lessons-, about how I have nightmares sometimes about the screaming agony of my button collection as it melted in the fire, the fact that the record breaking fall was a suicide attempt, about the murder-suicide committed by my aunt and uncle, or that the incident with the Friendship Express was yet another suicide attempt.

V, bless her heart, just sat there and listened in like she always does. Whenever the situation called for it and it was appropriate, V would laugh along with us and giggled whenever she knew the funny part of a story was coming up. She even ate her salad adorably. The best part about having her there? V kept her eyes on the unicorn stalker that always appears whenever I'm around Octavia.

The date ended with my second kiss ever! This one was a lot nicer than the first and I actually felt like trotting on clouds for a bit afterwards. It occurred inside her wonderfully furnished apartment which I had to enter due to V having to go potty. I swear, that girl set that situation up for me. She's my damn wing-man! That's three brownie points for her! You'd better watch your ass, Booky.

I returned home quickly due to not wanting to encounter the Derptard and encountered her anyway at my front door. She was waiting with slightly puffing eyes from crying and a look of hopeful guilt that I will cherish. That look also proves that she's not entirely clueless as she realized that she had made a mistake. Lucky for her, I was still riding high off Octavia's kiss for my rage to take over. Plus, I was still woozy from the possible concussion.

She apologized exactly forty times before giving me a massive bag of freshly baked muffins. As if that wasn't enough, she begged and pleaded with me to allow her a chance to make up for her blunder. Yeah no, I told her to bugger off before I destroyed her entirely….nah…I'm just messing with you. I couldn't take an aggressive approach as my concussion was preventing focus and there were still ponies about who would witness any misdeed. I politely told her that my schedule can't accommodate for anything at the moment and that I was already late for work. I'm glad that lie worked…I'm not sure how long I could've held up from bucking her face in.

Work wasn't anything epic. V and I enjoyed a quiet night with Carty as we shared the muffins while I picked up garbage. There was only one item I could find that was sellable and thus rendered the shift a failure. However, that find is what is going to allow me to be naughty and evil.

Booky, allow me to present you with the knowledge that I found a diamond studded tiara over near the schoolhouse. You see, I recognize this thing as belonging to a certain target of my rage. Oh yes, my evil will be well served with this thing.

What should I do, make V wear it to school, melt it, destroy it in front of her, wear it myself, or just sell it to somepony Diamond Tiara hates so that she can see them wear it? OH! THERE ARE SO MANY POSSIBILITIES! The best part about it is that there is absolutely nothing she can do to get it back from me! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

No, but seriously, I think I have concussion and I have to take the brat to school in a few hours. So sleepy time awaits.

Brownie Count:

You: 26

V: 24

Rainbow 'Lesbian' Dash: 5


	17. Kharma, What Exactly Did I Do To You?

Booky, I'm scared that I'm growing a conscience. I know it's a farfetched idea if I ever could imagine it, but I'm scared that it's true. And you know what? I don't like it. I've never really cared for the well being of somepony else and I never intended to start doing so, which is what has made the events of my second day at school practically damning.

The day started out like the previous one had. I arrived shortly before any of the foals started to show up and I took my spot in the corner while V patiently sat in the desk nearest me and doodled to distract herself. Blossom, of course, was there before we were and greeted us kindly before sharing her breakfast with us…well…more so she shared it with me as V was too busy drawing to notice the food…which is kind of cool I suppose as she ate most of what I made for us to eat before we left.

Ever being efficient with the managing of her time, Blossom took this opportunity to tell me that Twilight had been hoping to talk to me at some point yesterday and hadn't been able to do so for whatever reason. She told me that nopony had yet to come forward declaring V as theirs and that nopony so much as recognized her. That was disheartening for me to learn as I had been hoping to get the poor girl back to her rightful home.

There's your first clue. No longer is my desire to rid myself of the brat a product of my dislike to her presence or to the idea of paying for her food. I found this incredibly disturbing as I was ACTUALLY WORRIED about her. Let me put this into perspective for you; the last pony I even had half a crap of care for was killed by a swarm of pissed off bees. So for me to suddenly feel my heart wretch in the slightest of ways hurt my mind terribly. Also, a bit more disturbingly, I was a bit relieved when she said that nopony had claimed her yet. You see, I've diagnosed myself as having some sort of attachment issues or something of the sort. To be blunt; I do not like being abandoned or left behind. Not. One. Bit. So, as you can probably tell, I was frightened by the feelings I was feeling. And no, I didn't reveal any of that to Blossom. You can't trust mares, Booky. Not even the ones that you want to.

Luckily she failed to pursue why I was so affected by what she said. Why, you would ask if you had a mouth -a problem I hope to solve at some point and time-? Well, you remember that collision I had yesterday? The one that made me bleed my own blood? The one with the retard? Well, it turns out my nose decided to go and swell up noticeably. Not too bad though, just enough for somepony as observant as Blossom to point out.

I managed to satisfy her curiosity by stating that Derpy Hooves hadn't been watching where she was flying. To be honest, I was in no way surprised by how well she took that explanation. I've long since assumed that retard to be a public menace and thus notorious for her buck ups.

Shortly afterward the students started to arrive. They all greeted Blossom with sickeningly cheerful nuzzles and hugs. I'm super happy that they mostly greeted me with waves from across the room. I say mostly because V's three new friends came over and said hi to her happily. This was essentially my introduction to the Cutie Mark Crusaders -ugh, the corniness of that makes me want to vomit- and it actually went quite well. Despite the sincerity of their happy greeting, I paid little mind to the three of them. Thankfully they seemed more interested in taking V with them to sit next to each other in a square.

What surprised me was that V accepted their invitation excitedly and disappeared quickly after making sure it was cool with me. The only reason I've noted this little moment is that I felt that same pang of emotion in my heart from before. I've been confused as to what emotion I had been feeling and I still don't have a clue.

The only other ponies not to greet me with a wave were my two targets for vengeance. I was happily distracted from my emotions when I noticed how depressed Diamond Tiara looked. It's unfortunate you couldn't see the look on her face whenever anypony would ask her where her precious tiara was. BUCKING PRICELSS! What really attracted my attention was how down and out she appeared to be. I've lost treasured belongings before -in fact, I lost a whole house full of them- and the grief she was feeling was obviously not entirely one born out of loss.

To my horror, there was to be very little actual teaching today and a lot of mental trauma for yours truly. You see, Booky, Blossom hushed everypony up once they were all present and alerted the class to the fact that today was the shared birthday of three of the students: Truffle Shuffle -a fat colt with a fork and knife for a cutie mark-, Rumble -a pegasus who apparently has wings-, and -conveniently enough-Sweetie Belle.

You may be wondering why I mentioned that I endured any form of mental trauma. Well, just give me a second. You'll see what I meant.

Blossom apparently does this for all of the foals whenever they have birthdays and she was excited to have a day where she did no teaching. I was at first confused as to why she would rather deal with a bunch of crazy foals trotting about having fun while she tried to keep an eye on all of them. The answer to my query came in the form of a certain pink maned demon that my Annoysense failed to warn me about again.

Yep, that's right; somehow I had overlooked how Ponyville's party pony would obviously be in attendance at a party for three foals.

So there I was, cowering in the corner whilst everypony played party games and the like. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves. Obviously, the Cutie Mark Crusaders -ugh, that damn name, I hate it- were having the time of their lives. What made the experience slightly enjoyable for me -your second clue- was that V was constantly at their side. Once or twice I even managed to overhear them talking about making her a member of their group, which is something I have been having mixed feelings about. Featherweight wasn't able to hang out with me at all during the day as he was kept busy by taking pictures of everypony -excluding me- enjoying the party. Blossom was kept preoccupied by all the games the kids were playing and pretty much kept her eyes on the proceedings. Despite her business, it was clear to me she was enjoying herself just as much as her students. Unfortunately, the mass of foals running around like mad ponies kept me from getting a constant view of her body, which meant spending the day checking her out was not a option. Pinkie Pie…well…she was everywhere at once. There wasn't a single pony that was there that managed to avoid having to endure her presence, me included. Luckily, the retard quickly realized her mistake upon speaking to me and darted to the other side of the room to keep a good distance. Crap, even Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were enjoying themselves. I was the only one who wasn't.

The reason I even bother mentioning any of that -beyond the need to vent about Pinkie's painful inclination to appear when I don't want her to- is because of something that happened during the festivities. Being the bitches they are, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon decided to mercilessly make fun of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, namely Sweetie Belle. None of the foals said anything so I assumed it was just the norm that they got bullied. Everything changed when they set their eyes upon V. I don't know what it was that made them feel the need to accost her, but they did and they didn't hold back.

Orphan, daughter of a loser, blank flank, mute idiot, no brained idiot, and many other really bad insults were ones I can barely recall hearing through the noise. I don't know how long it took, but eventually I noticed that they had V crying. Yeah no, I didn't let that go on for too long.

Here's clue number three, my feelings upon seeing all of that. Of course I didn't even bat an eyelash at anything they said towards Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, or Scootaloo, but I couldn't help but feel very warm at seeing them berate V. I know, warm isn't a good descriptive word to use. All I can really tell you is that my ears throbbed, my eyes felt really hot, my chest was hot enough for me to start sweating, and my eyes were twitching a lot. I don't believe I've ever felt anger like that before. It was so pure, so very potent and I felt all of it.

What does that mean, Booky? Am I starting to care for that filly? I would rather that not be the case considering her eventual departure back to her original family, but I can't shake the feeling that something has changed. Some dynamic about my life has altered beneath my very own damn nose and I don't like it.

You may be wondering how I'm not jail or something after feeling that much anger and having my amazing track record at self control. Well, that's very simple my bookish friend, my mind wanted to see Diamond hurt. I wanted her to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry over what I would do in retaliation. However, somehow I retained my wits and thought of some way that I could do that and remain free.

You see, I had brought the tiara I had found with me to school in case I thought of a way to use it to make the bitch feel like crap and I remembered that quickly. I'm actually really surprised I went with the course of action that I did. Pay attention, Booky. The next paragraph holds your next clue that something dramatic and weird is happening to me.

I made my way over to the group -being made up by Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, V, Apple Bloom, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and some other unicorn filly- with my saddlebag containing what used to be Diamond's tiara. They taunting ended pretty quickly as the two bitches tried to save face with an adult being present. I ignored them entirely and told Sweetie Belle that I had a surprise for her. Breaking every code of honor I've ever sworn by, I reached into my saddlebag and gently grabbed the tiara before hoofing it over to the white filly. I told her that it was a gift from both me and V. To put forth an air of innocence and to calm V, I wrapped a foreleg around V and hugged her close.

Sweet Celestia's royal booty…I feel like vomiting even thinking about it.

Everypony in that little grouping knew exactly what the tiara was and who it had previously belonged to. Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, the unicorn filly, and Silver Spoon were all struck silent by my gift whilst Diamond Tiara was so pissed off that she could hardly speak. I explained to them that V and I had found it while I was working and that she figured it would make a great gift for Sweetie Belle. Before anypony could properly react, Diamond practically erupted in rage. She probably would've hurt somepony had I not informed her that my contract as a town employee explicitly stated that any item I found during my duties -the exclusions being things belonging to Celestia and the Elements of Harmony apparently- would come under my ownership and be subject to do whatever I want with. She left shortly after my explanation.

The fillies around me erupted into joyous clamor that's starting to make my fur squirm at the memory. Sweetie Belle almost tackled me with a hug while Apple Bloom and Scootaloo climbed onto my back and sang praises to me. The unicorn filly at least had the presence of mind to make sure that V was ok. Don't worry; V was absolutely fine once Diamond and Silver left. They expressed amazement that somepony would stand up to that bitch. I got out of there pretty damn quickly. Not that I don't like being worshipped. I just don't like having fillies use me as a jungle gym.

Though not of importance, I feel obligated to mention the awkward stares Blossom and Pinkie Pie gave me from across the room for the rest of the day. Using my ninja skills, I managed to remain alone in my sacred corner for the rest of that horrid experience. Honestly, as much as I like staring at Blossom's flanks, sitting through school isn't something I'm incredibly fond of doing for too much longer.

When it was -FINALLY- time to go, I was once more accosted by the Cutie Mark Crusaders -I die a little inside each time I write that- and two of their friends -a red maned filly with glasses and a terrible lisp and the unicorn filly from before- I don't know the names of. They once more thanked me and V for the gift and BEGGED ME -I am NOT kidding about that part- to let V go with them to enjoy Sweetie Belle's private birthday party back at wherever they were gonna do it. I honestly didn't pay attention too well right there. They either said the party was at Carousel Boutique or Sugarcube Corner…not that I'd got to either event. To get rid of them, I told them that it was cool with me.

Here's where the trail of clues ends. Though I didn't consider it at the time, there should've been no way in tartarus that V would want to go without crying all the time. She's bawled her damn eyes out over me being in the damn bathroom alone. It only occurred to me when I got home that she had not only spent the whole school day away from me, but that she was now in a different part of town. I felt proud of her that she could be without me and not whine. CAN YOU BUCKING IMAGINE THAT CRAP?! ME, PROUD OF SOMEPONY ELESE?! WHO THE BUCK AM I AND WHAT DID I DO WITH ME?!

Even right now that brat is over wherever the party is being held. I haven't heard a single word from anypony and so I can only assume that means that she isn't making a scene or anything. Plus, I can take solace in the fact that Filthy Rich -Diamond's dad- hasn't sent the authorities after me for one reason or another. That's great news, as that means that he knows how the town charter freaking works. Maybe he can teach that little bitch of his something?

I'm still pissed over my decision over the tiara. Yeah, what I did was heartwarming and other disgusting traits, but I could've just as easily sold it to Rarity or Twilight for a high sum. Crap, I could've even sold it back to Filthy for an unholy amount of bits.

You seem confused; allow me to explain the situation to you.

I'm running out of money. I checked my savings earlier when I got home from work and I've found a disturbing fact; V's making me go broke. Spending money for food for both of us while also paying for our bowtie things, our saddlebags, and my blanket -that I still need to go pick up whenever I have the time or patience- has ruined my money pit. As I mentioned previously, my latest paycheck barely managed to supply me with enough food for two weeks or so ad I haven't found anything of high value lately. Sure, I found that sash thing that Twilight paid an obscene amount for, but

that's going to pay for the train fair, housing, and food. I'm not even sure if V can attend the Wonderbolts' performance now that I think about it. There were only the two tickets and the second one is mine. I was originally planning on finding a nice looking hobo to look after V during the show, but now I don't think I can just do that. I'll have to buy her a ticket, which probably obliterates any funds I'd have left. I'm grateful Rose gave me money yesterday for the date….still confused, but grateful.

I'll definitely have to kick it up a notch when I get back from Canterlot on Thursday or whenever. Who knows, maybe Twilight will find V's family during that time. That'd sure as tartarus set my money problem straight.

Well, that's depressing to think about. Let's focus on my nightday….never mind…I don't have anything planned…until work that is. Work's gonna suck daynight. I'll have to start early to finish early so that I can be ready to depart on the Friendship Express at the time the lesbian told me to meet her there. I'll catch some sleep on the train though, so no big deal.

I've decided to bring you with me…which might be something I've already told you about…I'm not sure as I'm very tired and annoyed.

That's it for now…I'm gonna try and catch some sleep before V gets back. That way I can kind of be rested up for work.


	18. Return of the Derptard

Sometimes I miss how quiet it is to not be insane. Not that I'm insane, daynight just happened to be one where my mind was free of the voices that are always screaming at me. And no, I'm not insane. Those voices are called thoughts. They said so themselves and if you can't trust a thought, then nothing is sacred anymore.

Anybamboo, there's a reason I'm in such a chipper mood this evenoring. However, I'm not just going to tell you about it. No, you're gonna get a chance to guess. So go ahead, try your luck.

Booky?

Booky, you there?

Equestria to Booky, this is Commander Bob Sheppard, please respond.

Nothing?

What was that, Booky? Sorry, thought you spoke there for a second.

I'm gonna have to tell you, aren't I? Thought as much…lazy bastard.

As you have probably noticed, V has not been home today…well…not for long. She was here earlier, but I'll get to that in a second. Yes, I have -disregarding you and Carty- been alone for the better -as in quality, not quantity- part of the day. During this time I've been able to…you know what? Buck it, I'm just gonna get to the story as there's no point in explaining this now and then describing it later.

As you know, I came home from school without V and went straight to sleep. When I woke up, I went about doing everything I usually did in the mevenings before V came into my life. You know the routine: wake up, write a diary entry, eat my version of breakfast, and then other stuff. I was actually primed and ready to go andretrieve the blanket I ordered from Rarity when Celestia decided to throw me a freaking bone for once.

Let me stop myself there so I can muse about that little injustice. Why can't luck find me more often? And no, I'm not talking about my innate ability to survive fatal damage. That's not luck; it's annoying. I'm talking about real luck. The kind of thing that says I'll find a random bag of five hundred bits just sitting in the road one daynight. You know what I'm talking about; the kind of thing that seemingly visits everypony in Equestria daily….everypony except me. Yes, I managed to snag Octavia, but you fail to see what I see. I bet you five bits that something besides me will ruin that for me in the next week or so. In fact, I can almost guarantee that will happen. My only hope is that I get to roll around in the hay with her before the natural order is restored.

I suppose I can classify finding V as something of good luck. She's been an absolute dream to have around. You know I mean that cause I wouldn't say about anypony else. For the first time in a long time I don't mind having her around, which is great.

Heh, without realizing it I have just constructed a nice transition into the previous topic. I'll award myself twenty thousand brownie points for that.

You see, as I was preparing myself to leave and achieve ownership of that blanket, I was interrupted by somepony knocking at my door. Let me tell you something, I LOVE answering the door. It's literally the only time I get to be as rude as I want to be without getting in trouble. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to yell greet my visitor with my usual charm as they spoke first.

Let me go ahead and state that what followed the opening my front door was possibly the most awkward game of _Glass Half-Full/Glass Half-Empty: The Game of Optimism vs Pessimism_ ever contested off of the pro-circuit.

Standing there on the other side of my front door were four ponies. I will describe them in ascending order of aggravation cause. Standing at the front of the group was none other than V. She looked positively ecstatic and beaming with -ugh- happiness. However, this -ugh- happiness appeared to stem more from anticipation rather than actual joy over something happening in front of her. Standing to my left of her was the pony who had evidently knocked; Rarity. Looking as gussied up as usual, the rather fetching unicorn was painted with a look of genuine happiness and minimal fear to see me. Now that I think about it, that fear seemed more like anticipation than anything else. Makes sense considering that she had my blanket folded neatly in her saddlebag. She was probably nervous to see that my specifications were met. Standing next to V was the unicorn filly from school. For the life of me I can't recall her name and it wasn't mentioned in the following conversation. She seemed just generally happy if not a little anxious to be near the house of the Night Wanderer -the nickname I'm assuming the town refers to me as in passing-, which is good cause the last thing I want is a bunch of fillies and colts annoying me. My strangeness has always kept them away on Nightmare Night and I intend for that to always be the norm. The fourth pony was one I didn't entirely notice until my brain decided to notice her. I'll just go ahead and state that Derpy mustn't be as retarded as I paint her out to be. Whenever she feels the need to bother me, the bane of my existence seems to time it so that there are witnesses to prevent me from getting away with whatever crime I'd be charged with once 'dismissing' her.

It was mostly Rarity and I who did the talking. She told me that she was here to thank me dearly for the extraordinarily generous -her terminology- gift I had given Sweetie Belle earlier and for standing up to Diamond Tiara for the girls -a generalization that I've taken to assume to Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, V, and the unicorn filly-. Impressed with my actions, Rarity even told me that the blanket would be free of charge, which was wonderful as that means I can buy food now. However, beyond the obvious observation that she was escorting V home from Sweetie Belle's birthday party, Rarity's presence didn't explain Derpy and the unicorn filly's being present.

Let me cut to the chase and avoid the awkward small talk that led to me getting to the REAL reason I was being bothered. According to Rarity, Sweetie Belle requested a slumber party for her closest friends to be held at Rarity's shop/home/thingy. Apparently that list of friends includes V now. To be honest, when she said that, I wanted to kill myself as the only rationalization for their annoying me was that they wanted me to attend the event so that V wouldn't raise tartarus or something. Yeah no, I don't do the chaperone thing. Ever. However, much to my pleasure, they were there to simply ask my permission for V to attend. That's where a snag was found.

As you know, I'm scheduled to leave for Canterlot with the lesbian -note to self; do not call her a lesbian when in her presence- in about ten minutes or so. Originally, that meant that V was scheduled to leave with me. That presented an obvious problem as there was no way in tartarus I'd go out of my way to retrieve her just to walk all the way back across town to board a train. Rarity, being the awesome pony she has become in my eyes, provided a solution as she said that she'd be more than willing to watch V for me until my return. Derpy offered too, but…yeah…I decided to go with Rarity. What surprised me -and made me proud despite my misgivings about having such feelings- was that V didn't even hesitate to hear about that. All she did was hug me tight before running into the house and grabbing her crap and hug me again on

the way out.

Who knows, maybe she isn't really a mute. Maybe V has just been really shy or really traumatized by something and only through the constant love and care given by me can she overcome it. Or, as I'm guessing is the case, she really IS a mute and has simply become comfortable with her surroundings.

I know what you're thinking; how does that explain Derpy being there? Well, my friendish book, the unicorn filly apparently wanted to give V some company on the trot over to my house and that prompted Derpy -who I learned was the filly's mother- to tag along as well. Still not make any sense? Good, cause I don't get it either. I just chocked it up to her wanting to annoy me.

Anycue, Rarity's absolutely awesome offer freed me of the burden of lugging the filly around Canterlot and paying for her. If I didn't know any better -I don't-, then I might be willing to believe that Rarity was flirting with me, especially after I saw her blush at my affirmation that the blanket fit my specifications. However, that raised a significant problem for me. With a new avenue for plan GETTING' BUSY opened up, I had to take precaution to make sure I didn't ruin it for myself.

Let me explain.

As stated earlier, something is bound to ruin what I have with Octavia and I want backup plans for in case I don't get some quality strange from her. I've only got a few at the moment. Blossom is a definite possibility with her shapely booty. Applejack would've been my next guess after Blossom. Try and remember that this list will only contain mares that I don't have to forge a relationship out of. Blossom knows me from foalhood and I'm an acquaintance of Applejack's brother. I suppose that means that Twilight becomes a possibility due to our already established acquaintanceship. Unless the lesbian is truly a lesbian, then I suppose she makes it onto this list as well. Alright, let me just spell it out for my own benefit. Blossom, Applejack, Rarity, the lesbian, and Twilight. Yep, that looks about right.

If it wasn't for the fact that she happened to be a mare, then I might be willing to make Rarity my friend. Oh, I kind of jumped right into it, didn't I? Well, let me fix that.

I thanked Rarity for her offer and accepted graciously whilst also offering my services in any way to repay for her kind deed. She rejected my offer and said that she would think nothing of it and that it would be her pleasure to have a filly as quiet and non-destructive -I still don't know why she'd go about describing V in that way- around her shop/home/thingy.

Fittingly, Derpy insisted on staying to satisfy a curiosity that she had been nursing for awhile. I had to fight every urge in my body to slam the door shut in her face once she was alone. However, she managed to catch my attention when she mentioned that she was actually checking to see if I had found any dropped letters in any of my recent shifts. Being the professional I pretend to be, I told her that I had in fact encountered a few pieces of mail a few days ago. When she persisted on knowing which ones I found, I told her that I found three to be exact. One was a stupid postcard -that came with free Wonderbolts tickets that I didn't tell her about-, the second one was a letter to Princess Celestia -with yours truly being the subject matter-, and an anonymous love letter. I kind of zoned out after I revealed all of that, but I recall she left in a hurry with a blush on her retarded face for one reason or another. I can only hope that her hurried departure was due to me farting or something.

With that out of the way, my entire schedule became free of V and thus I didn't have to account for her presence.

That helped me get through my shift in record time.

There was, however, one little hiccup that occurred that I think you would like to know of.

As I was making my way past the Carousal Boutique, I noticed that there was a tent set up behind it that had the sounds of muffled laughter within. I didn't have long to wonder exactly what the crap was going on before Carty decided to sing the sleeping residents of Ponyville the song of his people. That prompted the giggling to stop and for the appearance of six fillies to poke their heads out of the tent in investigation. It only took me a second to notice that one of the silhouettes was sporting a tiara. Yeah, I can tell you know what happened.

In the span of only two seconds I was bombarded with two different fillies hugging me in greeting. One being the welcomed embrace of V and the other being the surprising embrace of Sweetie Belle, which I'm proud to admit didn't get turned away due to a fear induced attack. I actually managed to return the motion to the two -lacking the emotion of course- before getting back to work. They tried to keep pace with me, but gave up quickly for one reason or another. I've felt kind of bad since that incident. I'm sure Carty would've loved to say hi or something, but I was simply in a hurry to finish up in time to wash the smell of crap off of me before having to sit on a train for an unknown period of time.

With that out of the way, I feel you may know what's about to happen. BREAK-IT-DOWN!

My haul daynight was nothing too special. However, I must say that the majority of what I found daynight was actually pretty nice in quality and will probably allow me to pay for food for at least another week or so. That being said, here's my haul: an ornate mirror, an hourglass, an abacus, a solid gold bar, and a gold medallion.

The abacus is weird as crap. I have never seen one of these close up before and I can honestly say that I have no damn clue how it works. From what I can remember, nerds use these to do math stuff with math things and it makes math numbers or something. I don't know. It's got a nice make to it though. Every piece is painstakingly carved from wood -presumably from Whitetail Woods due to the texture and lack of decay- using unicorn magic. The framing is your typical brown that comes from wood, but the little pieces making up the complicatedness of the device are painted red, blue, yellow, and white. The bars that those pieces are resting on seem to be made out of wood as well, but appear to have been reinforced with something to prevent snapping. Perceived value: Thirty-five bits.

The mirror is interesting as I've never really found anything this ornate before. It appears to be made of brass or some other metal of that sort and is absolutely COVERED with depictions of the Princesses and other stuff. I wouldn't really get too excited over this if it wasn't for the fact there was a handsome stallion looking back at me from the mirror. Yeah, that just happened. Perceived value: one million bits if I can get the stallion to stay in the mirror, but seeing as that won't be the case; I'll price this at twenty bits.

Alright, I want your patience here as the gold bar isn't quite what you'd think. At first I felt like exploding due to the fact that I had just found a bucking gold bar laying in the road, but upon further inspection, this thing merely _appears_ to be made of gold. If I were to say so myself, then I'd say that this is the production of failed unicorn magic or something of the like. I say failed as the gold bar is FAR too soft to actually be gold. Perceived value: fifty bits.

I'm not going to dwell on the hourglass because it isn't anything special. Sure, it's made of some nice wood and appears to have been carved with love and everything, but it's still a bucking hourglass. Perceived value: ten bits.

That brings me to the gold medallion. Unlike the bar, this thing is the real deal and appears to be made for a stallion wishing to max out his SWAG. I'd keep this thing if it weren't for the fact that my SWAG is currently broken. Perceived value: forty bits, but I'll make it seventy for emotional trauma.

That does it for the evenoring dude. Now, get your crap together cause I'm heading out in about four seconds. I'll make sure to place you on top of the folded blanket that I'll drape over my shapely flank for safety.


	19. Dear Ipsa

_Dear Ipsa Unica,_

_I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for touching your private journal and writing in it. You must understand that this is the only way I could think of to let you know what happened to it and who found it. Please do not be mad as I would very much like to be close with you and I'd hate for some silly misunderstanding to ruin our possible friendship. Also, I'd like to assure you that I did not read any of the entries in this journal once I saw that it belonged to you._

_Now, please forgive me for this as I know you don't like ponies socializing with you, but I've been working up the courage to talk to you for quite some time and I can't help but feel that this is the perfect chance for me to tell you what I've been meaning to tell you._

_Firstly, I am SO sorry for what I've done to you in the past. I know I've said it before, but I don't think you understand HOW sorry I really am. I meant no ill will towards you and I was only trying my best to impress you. You have to believe me when I say that I NEVER saw how close the storm cloud was to your roof. Luckily you weren't hurt too bad, but I understand that you lost everything you owned in the fire and that it'll probably be difficult to forgive me. If you at least give me on chance to earn your forgiveness then I'd be forever grateful._

_During your time in the hospital I recall that you were very nasty and rude to everypony who tried to visit you, me included. However, during your ravings, I remember that you used to vehemently ask me why it was I kept bothering you and that I never really had a chance to answer you. The reasons I kept visiting you in the hospital were that I was worried you were really hurt and that I've always admired you._

_That's right; I said that I have always admired you. However, that doesn't change a few facts. I know that you probably think otherwise, but I'm not stupid. I've seen the way you treat everypony and I know the lies you've told. In a word, you are despicable. You come into town with an air of smugness about you that we can all see clear as Celestia's day and you've made no attempt to hide that you manipulate poor Twilight into spending her bits on items that don't belong to you. It makes me sick to even think about the kind of mind it would take for somepony to do such a thing to somepony as nice as her. The way you treat Pinkie Pie is even worse. She has never done anything to you and yet you avoid her like a plague. Hiding away from me at least made sense due to how I've hurt you, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she receives from you. And yet, despite all of your MANY flaws, I'd admire you._

_Even though you have an obvious disdain for others, you spend every single night walking the streets of Ponyville cleaning up everypony else's mess. You do a job that nopony willingly has wanted to do and you do it to the best of your ability. What's more, you find personal belongings of ponies and then sell them, at outrageous prices unfortunately, to the one pony that makes sure the items go back to their rightful owners. You may think that nopony notices the sound of your cart rolling through the street every night. You may think that it goes unnoticed when you work during the rain, snow, or whatever is happening. Well, I notice. I know what it's like to do something that everypony takes for granted. I know what it's like to only receive the generic thankfulness of ponies who don't really appreciate the hard work I do. I also know how difficult it is to do my job in the early morning, which must pale in comparison to having to sacrifice your entire day to accommodate for having to work during the night. I know how it feels to sit alone after you've worked and feel unnoticed and unwanted._

_The hardest part is the gossip. To trot around town when you're not working and listen to what the ponies say about how the silly mailmare can't do her job right or how the creepy street cleaner always misses a spot. It hurts to know that I've sacrificed a great deal for the ponies of this town. I can't walk my daughter Dinky to school in the mornings, a job that my adopted daughter Sparkler takes care of for me, and I'm never home when she gets out of school. I'm always too busy working in the morning and doing odd jobs around Ponyville and Cloudsdale to support my family. Every night I go to sleep listening to you work diligently outside while thinking that in some way I make a difference. At least I have Dinky and Sparkler to appreciate me. So I can't even think of how difficult it must be for you to give up everything just so you can be overlooked._

_It hurts me to see you go through life without your cutie mark. I know that sounds a little personal, but I can relate to being a pony that gets made fun of for being born different. Not a day goes by where I catch at least one pony staring at my eyes and I'm sure you deal with the exact same thing when it comes to them staring at your lack of cutie mark. What gives me hope is that I see how high you hold your head and the enjoyment you seem to get out of just simply being yourself. Ever since I first saw you go through the market laughing every now and then at your own jokes while everypony snickered behind your back about your missing mark, I have felt inspired to live my life similarly. Thanks to your example I don't have any shame when I go out in public._

_I must admit that I did pry into your life a few months ago to figure out more about you. What I found was very sad and I had a hard time accepting that a pony like yourself can experience such hardships and yet continue you. You may be wondering how I learned any of this. Well, I'm sure Miss Cheerilee can enlighten you about that. However, she can't tell you how touched I was when I learned that you've never asked for help. You've always taken care of yourself and you've managed to make a life that you seem to enjoy living without ever requesting the assistance of somepony else. It shows just how strong you are that you didn't rely on others and yet still succeeded._

_What has really revealed your true character was when you selflessly took in Vocem Non. Sure, you probably fought tooth and hoof to not have the responsibility, but you stepped up to the plate when the time called for it and you've excelled in the role. I was honestly shocked you would do something like that. I mean look at you. You're Ipsa Unica. You are without a doubt one of the meanest and most selfish ponies to have ever lived and yet you accepted her into your life. I'm no stranger to that act and I am wholly aware of what it takes to be a parent of a filly that isn't yours. I was really worried you would hurt her or just forget about her or something, but when I saw you walking around town with her riding in your cart, I couldn't help but be impressed all the more by you. The funny part is that was what I considered the end of it and I assumed you were only going to cater to her needs and nothing else, but I've been proven wrong. You honestly care about her. I've seen you wrap a blanket around her at night, share most the muffins I baked for you with her, sing to her, and Dinky's told me all about how you stood up for V and her friends in school._

_I know that you are still the same old Ipsa you've always been, the foul mouthed, rude, mean spirited, manipulative, cruel, and creepy stallion that prefers loneliness to friendship. However, I also know something that not many other ponies may know about you; that you're honest, hardworking, caring, sensitive, and sweet. On top of all that, I can relate to you better than I can with anypony else in my life. Nopony can understand the pains I go through better than you. That's why I admire you. That's why, dare I say it, that I've been hiding a crush on you for a long time._

_Though I told you yesterday, I'm going to go ahead and assume you didn't listen when I said it. That love letter you found, the one that was in Twilight's old saddlebag, was one that I had written to you. I tried to give it to you in the market that day, but you intimidated me too much to brave giving it to you. I gave it to Twilight knowing that she would see you sooner rather than later, but it appears Celestia bid that something else happen instead._

_Well, there it is. I've said what I needed to say and wanted to say. I love you Ipsa, I really do. You're not as much of a jerk as you think you are and I'd like to have the chance to prove that to you._

_Also, I hope your nose is feeling better now that you've had some time to heal. I really am sorry for that. Sometimes I have trouble navigating through the sky when I'm flying fast._

_As for your journal, I found it in the streets when I was doing my route and I left it inside as you know since you're reading this. You should probably lock your door more often, especially when you go out of town._

_Please talk to me about this, give me a chance to prove how great of a stallion you are and how much I appreciate what it is you do for Ponyville. Dinky and V really get along and I'm sure you and I would too if you gave me the chance._

_With Love,_

_Derpy Hooves_


	20. I Don't Want to Go

_Dear Mr. Bob,_

_I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to go back. They won't let me stay though. I don't want to do this, but everypony is telling me that it's what I should do. Miss Rarity, Miss Sparkle, and Miss Cheerilee won't tell Mommy and Daddy to let me stay. They keep telling me it's for the best._

_Living with you for the past four days has been great. At first I was really scared cause you were really mean to me, but I didn't mind._

_I haven't told anypony about me or who I am because of what you said to Miss Sparkle. You told her that I needed to be back with my family and that you would take me back when I told you where I came from. I was so scared. I didn't want to go back. Mommy and Daddy are always fighting and I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay with you. You didn't fight with anypony. You were really quiet and you really cared. I know you haven't enjoyed it, but I have enjoyed living with you._

_Today Miss Sparkle showed up at Miss Rarity's and told me that my Mommy and Daddy were back at her library waiting on me. I didn't want to go with her. I like living with you better. Mommy and Daddy don't want me to go to school. I know I'll lose my friends I've made if I go with them. I don't want to go. I want to stay with you, but Miss Sparkle didn't pay attention when I wrote her a note saying so._

_Mommy and Daddy want to thank you for looking after me. They're really mad at me for running away, but they're happy you saved me._

_I don't want to go. I like you better than Mommy and Daddy. Mommy always worries that it's too dangerous for a filly who can't talk to run around town and Daddy always agrees with her. They make me stay at home while Mr. Notebook comes to teach me. You let me have friends and you let me go to real school. I don't want to go home._

_I never got to talk to Mr. Booky. You were always writing in him and I never got to say hi. I'm really glad to finally be able to talk to him, but I'm really sad that I have to say goodbye at the same time I get to say hi. I don't know how to say goodbye to Mr. Carty and I'm really sad that I won't be able to do more than wave. I really don't want to go._

_Miss Sparkle let Mommy and Daddy into your house to get my things. I hope you don't mind that they did. Daddy doesn't like the bowties you bought for me, but I won't ever take mine off._

_I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you. I want to go to school with you. I want to ride around in Mr. Carty and eat muffins. I want you to sing me to sleep every night like you have. I don't want to go._

_I can't stay. Mommy and Daddy won't let me. So I won't get rid of anything. I'll keep the bowties, the saddlebag, and the blanket you gave me. They want me to go by my real name, but I won't answer to it. I don't like the name Shimmer Shade. I can't say no to Mommy and Daddy though. They won't call me V. Not even Miss Sparkle, Miss Rarity, or Miss Cheerilee will call me V anymore. You'll still call me V, right? I want you to come by and visit me. I don't like Mommy and Daddy. Bring Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Dinky. We can all have fun together!_

_Goodbye,_

_Vocem 'V' Non_


	21. Never Turn Your Back On a Mare

So yeah, I'm sure you've got a few questions and I've got a few things I'd like to talk about. However, that can wait. I'd like to talk about Canterlot for right now.

I'm going to go ahead and tell you that I was pretty pissed that you ditched me before I got on the train. What the tartarus was that all about? Am I not good enough for you? Would you rather some bastard mare write in you than me? What the buck? Tell me, tell me right the buck now why I shouldn't burn your Celestia damned pages!

…I'm sorry about that…I'm a little out of it at the moment…you'll have to bear with me for this entry…

The train ride was boring as tartarus. For the first hour I humored the lesbian in conversation about the Wonderbolts. She knows her stuff…like…obsessively knows it. As in, she knows what Spitfire eats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I managed to trick the lesbian as she couldn't name what Spitfire ate forbrunch. Overall, she actually managed to entertain me until we both sorta passed out. If it wasn't for the two little surprises waiting for me back home then I would even be willing to say that I was actually starting to trust her slightly. Heh, but we all know that you can't turn you back around a mare. They'll rip your damn heart out the very second you think it's ok to divert your attention. I'm not bucking joking, you let your guard down around a mare and you'll regret it for the rest of your miserable life!

…Alright…I'm sorry about that…again…

I must say that Canterlot was pretty awesome. I've never left Ponyville before and to see something as HUGE -heh, I said huge- as Canterlot was straight up balls. The lesbian even gave me her version of a tour, which started at the train station and ended up at the castle.

What? You didn't know? Oh yeah, you weren't there.

Apparently, the lesbian asked Celestia for permission to use some rooms in the castle. Yeah, she's apparently pretty damn connected. Also, let me state for the record that the royal booty is more voluptuous than I could have ever imagined. As a side note, Celestia does not like me. That much is very clear to me.

Actually, that much has always been pretty clear to me. What else would be her reason for my constant torment? I guess she could say that my suffering has been somewhat funny as I must admit that there have been a few times where the crying just turned into laughing, but she must not be aware of just how thin the joke has stretched.

Like it even matters. Damn mares. Even the immortal ones who rule over the entire land are completejerks. Yeah, you can see where I am going with this. The lesbian got to stay up in some super special room that used to belong to Twilight or some crap while I got to stay in the classy servant quarters.

If it wasn't for the lesbian actually keeping me entertained, then I'm pretty sure I would've done something I'd regret. Like, I don't know, opening my heart up to a filly just to have her trample it to pieces the VERY SECOND I started to care!

…Yep…sorry again…

At least the Wonderbolts were pretty awesome. According to the lesbian, Soarin's victory was totally unexpected. I wouldn't know. I'm not an expert. She apparently is. What was really unexpected was when Spitfire and Soarin came up to say hi to the lesbian. Yeah no, I got the tartarus out of there. I'm all for watching them do stuff, but there's no way I was going to expand my patience by actually meeting them.

The rest of the visit was pretty damn lame. I barely hung out with the lesbian as I passed out in my suite once we got back to the castle. Probably the most exciting part of the trip was when I decided to take a stroll during the daynight. I felt pretty useless not doing anything. Plus, it totally paid off as I got to watch some pegasus mare bath for a few minutes. Yeah, she was hot. I've never seen a pony as big as her before…wait…no…Celestia was a little bit taller than she was, but they could be about the same height. Weird, they must grow them big up in Canterlot.

I can safely say that my relationship with the lesbian is secured. The ride back definitely taught me that as she couldn't stop telling me how awesome it was that she got to talk to her idols. I can't really recall what it was she said exactly as I didn't pay attention to ANY of it. However, I never turned my eyes away from her. You can NEVER turn your damn back on a mare. The VERY second you do, they absolutely destroy every hope and dream you've ever had.

Now to the issues at hoof.

Let's start with the obvious; when do I kill Derpy?

I feel so damn violated. How DARE she write in MY diary? Oh, and by the way; YOU'RE A BUCKING DIARY! NOT A DAMN JOURNAL! Why would she even think you're a journal? YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE A JOURNAL! Must be her retarded eyes or her retarded brain or something else retarded about that retarded retard.

Look at that, I'm not even making sense anymore!

I AM SO DAMN EMOTIONAL! Should I be angry? Mortified? Enraged? Depressed? Encased in a glass box of rage?

…I don't even know…I don't think I'll kill her…there's no way I'd get away with it…I'll think of something when I go to work in five hours…

Now…I know what you're thinking…Ipsa…what about V…no…_Shimmer Shade_? Well, what about that bitch? A damn traitor, that's what she is. So she wanted to hang out with Rarity instead of me? Was I not bucking good enough? No, that's not it. She just wanted me to go away so she could sneak away like the coward she is. Just like the bitch that ran off with daddy dearest. They wait until you least expect it.

As for me visiting V…no…_Shimmer Shade_…never….I'll never visit that traitor.


	22. Just Another Daynight in the Life of Me

By the grace of all that is crap I feel great right now! So very…fulfilled! Booky, my friend, there's nothing quite like a daynight of work to get your mind off of things. There are many announcements to be made in this entry before the time for my sleepy sleeps comes hither. So, with gusto, let us begin!

Firstly…what? Why are you looking at me like that? What do you mean I called you my friend? Yeah right, I'm not falling for that. There's no way I'd go calling anypony my friend at this point. Nice try.

I'll start with the sad news first. You see, I don't think I'll be able to face anypony for some time after everything that has occurred. Well…more like the one thing that occurred that was very upsetting. Regardless, that means I will not be selling anything to Twilight for awhile. Nor do I think that I will be leaving my house for anything but work…with the exception of one event, but that's something I'll have to explain. However, just because I won't be selling things anymore -I don't need to do so anymore now that the bitch _Shimmer Shade_ is gone- doesn't mean that I won't play the Break-It-Down game anymore. No, I'll still play it. I know how much you like it when I do.

Work went splendidly and without incident. I actually managed to find some pretty sweet items and some other not sweet items. What's great is that I didn't have to explain anything to Carty as he seems to understand what happened. Good for him. I hope he's taking this better than I am. The last thing I want is for him to be all down in the dumps like I am. However, I now have a CURE for my dumpiness!

Seeing as I missed my usual organic drop off with Big Macintosh, I decided to take care of that this evenoring. I'm sure you've noticed the piles of organic crap rotting near my house. Yeah, I noticed it too. It was at Sweet Apple Acres that the most exciting parts of my shift occurred.

To my surprise, Big Macintosh and Applejack were already hard at work when I came trotting up to their home with a smelly Carty. It's understandable that they were really shocked to see/smell me. Unfortunately, Celestia apparently wasn't done with me yet as she had Applejack start asking how I was doing and how that bitch was doing with her family. Thankfully, Big Macintosh is an angel as he shut her up right quick. I swear I could worship that big lug for that intervention.

I'm not kidding. I could seriously start worshiping that guy. I'd burn things in his honor and make daily sacrifices for him and everything. However, with no sacrifices prepared, I just gave a cart full of organic crap instead. Unfortunately, I've come to mind that my life was not one meant to be spent in servitude or in reverence of any deities. So I decided that an extreme amount of respect would do instead of ritualistic worship.

The reason those two were up so early -as opposed to me usually getting their before they wake up- was that they are apparently going to be hosting a massive party that is being thrown in their honor. Can you imagine that? Somepony is actually stealing my idea of throwing a celebration of how awesome Big Macintosh and -to a lesser extent- his family are.

Ah, I can see you think you know where this is going. Well, prepare to have your world view be rocked! As I am going to ATTEND that party! Not for long mind you, but long enough to thoroughly explain to Applejack and -more importantly- Big Macintosh how much I appreciate how they fix up Carty for me whenever he needs it. Luckily, this little celebration is in four days, which gives me that long to mentally prepare myself for the annoyances bound to plague me.

I have another piece of big news; Big Macintosh GAVE ME AN ENTIRE BARREL OF THEIR FINEST HARD CIDER! FOR FREE! The angelic stallion even carried the damn thing home for me, which is wonderful as it would've crushed me flat. I cannot wait to get drunk as possible tomorrow mevening. I'm sure the town won't notice if I take a vacation day so that I can get ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED! What's even better is that alcohol helps to drown pain and I could definitely use some drowning right now. How do I know this? Well, daddy dearest always told me that drinking made his hooves stop hurting after he used to teach me how to get hit.

Further demonstrating how awesome he is, Big Macintosh told me that if I ever need to talk to anypony about anything I need to talk about then he and his sister are here for me. I damn near cried when he said that, but I'm not a treacherous mare so I didn't go and act like a bitch. I simply thanked him and let him be on his way. Such a nice offer, too bad I have you. Nopony can understand what I want to talk about. You can and you do.

My haul daynight was pretty impressive, so let's get straight to it. BREAK-IT-DOWN!

Alright, I don't know what a Golden Carrot award is, but it must be really important. I say this because this little trophy I found is called a Golden Carrot. Why is it called that and how do I know such a thing? Well, I can only assume it is called a Golden Carrot because it is a golden carrot and I know it is called such because it says so on the base of the thing. I have never heard of this kind of thing before, but I really like it cause it is sold gold and doesn't have a name on it. Just to be sure, here's what it says on the little gold text plate on the wooden base, 'The Golden Carrot Award for Carrot Top.' I can only assume that means this thing is for somepony who grew the top carrot in a competition of sorts, which is kind of weird considering that I only know of one pony in Ponyville who grows carrots professionally. I, unfortunately, do not know her name, but I can easily identify her as being the one with a absolutely gorgeously round flanks. Perceived value: sixty bits.

I'm gonna follow that up with another metal version of a vegetable. This one is far more mysterious and I'm actually a little hesitant to keep it in the house. For you see, I found a bronzed potato. Yeah, a bronzed version of that accursed murderer that grows just beneath the ground. Unlike the trophy, this thing has no apparent use. There is no wooden base, nothing to help it stand up on a shelf, no notches for anything to be connected to it, and nothing stating its purpose. I can only assume that I have managed to capture the leader of the potato secret society of super-villains. This is good and bad as that means they have no leader, but it also means that they will want their leader back. Perceived value: priceless…to the secret potato legions…

Alright, get ready to party cause I found a MASSIVE button! This thing is unlike anything I've ever found before! What's totally balls is that I found it out near Rarity's. That means I can totally get more of these! I'm so bucking psyched about this right now that I can't even see straight! Perceived value: priceless…to me at least.

I don't know what to think of this next item. It isn't as absurd as the bronzed potato, but it is indeed something I've never come across before. You see, what I've found is a slightly tattered pirate flag featuring a pony's skull with a snake wrapped around its muzzle. Not sure of who would even own something like this. Perceived value: twenty bits.

That's all for this evenoring. I'm gonna get some much deserved sleep and then drink myself into oblivion when I wake up.


	23. ALCOHOL!

It feels so very good to be drunk! I mean, you can't even imagine how long it has been since I've been in the wonderful haze of an alcoholic stupor.

Remember how I said that drinking drowns the pain? Well, it also helps me think clearly. Isn't that great?! And trust me; I've been doing some thinking since I started drinking at noon.

I miss them; I miss them all so much. Why do they keep leaving me? I've never done anything to harm the ones I care about. The only ponies I hurt are the ponies that deserve it. Why do the ones I love always leave? I don't get it. Am I that bad? I know I can be a bit heartless at times, but that's no reason to abandon me.

I'm not supposed to be alone. Nopony should be alone. It just isn't right. I don't understand it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the silence as much as the next pony, but too much silence is too loud. When I don't have anypony to talk to the thoughts get mean. I don't like it when they get mean.

I have a secret weapon though; ALCOHOL!

Sure, the pain will always be there, but now I can completely numb it.

My mom died a horrible death. I can't even imagine how much pain she was in when she finally closed her eyes for the last time. She looked happy enough though. I mean, yeah, she was probably only smiling cause she managed to save me and my dad from the wrath of some dumb bees. Her death left me feeling so cold, so very cold. Every breath was one I struggled to make and every second of life was one that seemed just too damn long. I'd be lying if I said that I never intended to die to rejoin her, but I have a tendency to fail when I try to kill myself.

Alcohol takes all that away. I don't feel cold anymore when I think about her. If anything, my chest feels all warm and cozy when I think about her while I'm drunk. I'm feeling that way right now in fact! The breaths aren't struggled and the seconds are just FLYING by really quickly!

It does the same thing for daddy dearest and his whore.

His leaving was something of a blessing. I remember crying to Celestia to blow up the sun and kill him the night before he left. No sun-blowing up occurred, but he was gone by noon the next day. At first everything was fun and aloof with happiness. I didn't even care that he took the mare I cared about the most with him. I was so very sure that I'd be better how without having him or his slut around. Oh how wrong I was. With him gone the thoughts started to get mean. They told me that I wasn't even worth his time anymore, which is crap because I know I'm worth his damn time. I'm sure more worth his time than that slut -_Sunburst_ was her name- that he took with him.

Alcohol fixes that. I don't feel unwanted. The thoughts aren't so mean. I don't care that _Sunburst_ used me to get to my dad and then left with him. They made their decisions and I'm perfectly fine with those choices. I don't need my dad's attention and I CERTAINLY don't need _Sunburst_ shooting me a smile meant to twist and burn my soul.

Shirley….oh sweet crap…Shirley…I've been so lost without her…Booky, you have to understand how much she meant to me. She was the guiding light through the dark, a beacon that told me that everything would be ok. She didn't die to save me; she didn't leave me because she didn't want me, and she didn't leave me because she wanted something more. Shirley left because fate stole her from me. The nights were so damn numb without her there. She didn't even fix any problems of mine. No, Shirley filled a gap that I didn't even know existed.

Alcohol…it…helps me forget her. She never existed when I'm drunk. I never spent hours divulging every secret of mine to her. I never laughed with great mirth at some understanding that didn't even need to be spoken. I never spent sunrises and sunsets scribbling about the beauty of the night and day. No…there was never a gap to be filled and it was never filled.

Then there was _Shimmer Shade_. I don't know if she was even supposed to happen. While she was here I was the happiest I've been in years and since she left I've been the most hurt I've ever been. Sure, it was only four days, but they were four of MY days. I don't waste time. I don't waste days. Every second is one that I cherish and acknowledge. Those four days lasted an eternity. I never deserved her. I never deserved to be that happy and I sure as tartarus don't deserve to be this unhappy!

Alcohol killed her. She's dead to me. My mind is so awash with wonderful hard cider that her existence was wiped clean from me.

It makes EVERYTHING better. Some ponies even came knocking at my door throughout the day. I'm not even sure if they do that often as I'm usually not awake during the day. I counted each visitor; seven. SEVEN ponies tried to be guest of mine. I didn't open no door. No, they'd want me to share my precious alcohol. SCREW THEM! This is my drunk and I'm gonna enjoy it!

You're such a good listener. You're no Shirley…Shirley…no, you aren't her. You're you. Something entirely different from her. I don't laugh into the night with you and I don't feel torn that you're gone….cause you aren't gone. No, you sit there and let me bitch. She never liked to let me bitch.

You know, who needs mares? I've got you and you've got me. You know what; I know just how to cement that. I may be drunk, but I'm sure it won't ruin the magic.


	24. Mistakes Were Made

So, yeah, about yesterday…geez…um…alright, let's get it over with. What happened never happened and will never happen again and we will never speak of it again. I was drunk, you were manipulative, the stars were aligned, and I'm not gay. I'm not gay for stallions and I'm not gay for books. Crap, I'm still not even sure if you're a boy or a girl book. This paragraph is the end of it. We never speak of it again. It will never be referenced again and we will both forget it ever happened.

As I'm sure you noticed, I was too drunk to go to work let alone write an entry for the evenoring. So let me spell out how my day is going to go in the next paragraph.

To prepare for the party, I'm going to thoroughly clean one of my bowtie things and make sure everything is in order. By that I mean that I'm actually going to be taking care of my hygiene in a way that makes me ultimately presentable to those who will be in attendance at the party. Do you know what that means? No? Well, let me tell you; thorough baths. I will not show up to this event smelling as I normally do.

You see, while I may detest my relation to that bastard of father of mine, I do adhere to the principles that my family has always held. In this instance, the principle that I will be holding true is that if you are to honor a pony then you honor them truthfully. That means that I will not only be presentable at this gathering, it means that I will be the best guest I can possibly be. Sure, the VERY second I leave their property I shall return to my usual delightful self, but until then I shall be a model guest. I know, it sounds pretty noble, right? Well, that's because it is. Though daddy dearest ruined the family name and ignored the family values, my mom held those values close to her and I choose to do the same.

Now that is out of the way, I'd like to discuss something with you in the following paragraphs.

I have absolutely no intention to make any social appearances until the party and I'd like to limit those once the party has occurred. Why? Well…I don't think I'd…well…I'll settle for saying that I'm not ready togo back out into public without…well…I'm just not ready to be out of my comfort zone quite yet. This house is my temple and my sanctuary and I'm safe in here. I've got you by my side, my button collection in the next room, and Carty right outside. There is absolutely no place I'd rather be. However, staying within my hovel presents an interesting problem that concerns me greatly; how do I continue my courtship of Octavia? I haven't a clue about how to accomplish that.

There is the fact that I will have to go grocery shopping in a week or so, which presents a prime opportunity to take a detour on the way home. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll sell some stuff to Twilight while I'm out. Unfortunately…that's then…that's in a week. As of right now, Octavia will have to wait patiently.

Oh how I wish I could mail her a letter or something to retain correspondence in some form. If it wasn't for a certain Derptard then I'd gladly take that path. I don't know, I'll probably think of something. Who knows, maybe I'll run into Octavia and catch her making out with somepony in an alley again. That'd sure be convenient.

Listen, I've only got one more thing to update you on before I get to my cleaning. What, didn't you notice how I smell like sweat, alcohol, and shame? Yeah, that's not gonna stay that way.

I do have something interesting to tell you; I'm in the newspaper today! That is something that has never occurred to me before. The picture isn't the best one ever taken, but it is clearly me. Let me explain in the following paragraph.

The article is all about Soarin's victory at the Wonderbolts thing up in Canterlot. Featured in it are the reactions of retired Wonderbolts, important ponies, their personal trainer, and none other than Equestria's very own Best Young Flier, Rainbow Dash. Somewhere amongst the obsessed drivel of her obsessed ramblings regarding percentages and other crap she mentions that the reason she is there is because of me. Let me quote her for you, "…which really surprised me cause I had been thinking that Spitfire had this one in the bag! I can definitely tell you guys that I am SUPER glad that I managed to be present for this. In fact, I would've made if not for my good friend Ipsa Unica, who gifted me with some tickets while I was in the hospital. He's a real cool guy, a little uneducated about the Wonderbolts considering that he doesn't even know who Soarin or Spitfire are, but cool nonetheless." Can you believe that? She called me cool! That should probably make me really proud or some crap. Well no, I'm not proud of that. I'm super glad my plan is going on swimmingly since she sees me as an ally, but not proud.

Accompanying the article is a picture of the lesbian cheering while wrapping her foreleg around me to keep from falling over thanks to her bad leg. Though she has an expression of pure jubilee that the camera caught wonderfully, I barely look entertained. Actually, now that I look at the picture, I can almost make what appears to be a scowl on my face as I look at the lesbian through the side of my eyes. I remember doing that. I was not pleased with the breech of personal space. However, thanks to the camera angle and quality of the picture it looks almost like I'm eyeing her with adoration or something crappy like that. Can you believe that crap?

Oh well, I smell horrible. Time to take care of that. And yes, I do intend on working daynight.


	25. Back On Top

I have discovered who two of the seven annoyances were! By annoyances I mean those seven knocks I received while intoxicated. You know; the ponies who were trying to get my attention and I didn't answer the door? No? The loud knocking noises that happened seven times yesterday, the ones that were at myfront door? Still no? Booky, I am disappoint. At seven different points yesterday a pony came to my front door and attempted to gain my attention via knocking. That happened seven times. I have discovered who two of them are. That leaves five still as a mystery. Understand now? Good! However, this was pitiful, Booky. Don't be this stupid again.

Anytrue, I discovered who those two were by doing absolutely no detective work at all. How did I do so, you would ask if you had a mouth? Well, my bookish friend, I figured it out when I was ambushed during my route. I can see you have an idea of where this is going. However, you're wrong this time! It wasn't the Derptard or the Pinktard this time! It was, in fact, the lesbian who ambushed me…again.

She told me that she had only learned about what had happened -apparently I underwent some form of an emotionally traumatic separation or something, not that I'd know anything about that- at a lunch meeting with her friends and that she had immediately felt awful about dragging me away and forcing me to miss an opportunity to say goodbye. According to her, she tried to reach me at two different points in the day and gave up both times. As worried as she said she was, the lesbian told me that when she caught the whiff of hard cider from my house, she immediately understood that there would be a better time to confront me.

To be honest, I was really touched when she said that. Despite her many obvious and glaring flaws, this mare -a species of things born from the seed of evil- had the wherewithal to know to leave me alone. What's better, she didn't feel the need to be like Pinkie and tell me she was going to leave me alone. She just did it. Which is…so very special…I'm starting to tear up here…can you give me a minute?

I offered her the opportunity to join me on my route -in thanks for her act of leaving me alone- and she told me that she had to sleep as she had been busy with her adoring fans or some crap like that. What I did notice was that she seemed to understand the sincerity of my offer and she responded in kind with a genuine smile.

Here's the ball breaker, she asked me if she'd see me around town tomorrow and -wait for it- I told her -wait for it- that she probably would. What the buck? Why did I say that? Though she obviously isn't part of the conspiracy -she's far too stupid from what I can gather- I had to stop working for a few minutes to actually comprehend what I had said to her. I mean, something must be seriously wrong with me. As you know, I have absolutely NO intention on venturing out of my house in the coming days and yet I gave my word -to a MARE even- that she had a chance to see me in town. While I'm definitely one to screw around and lie to ponies, I never sink that low. I'm better than that. I can torment and manipulate ponies without such simple lies.

Booky, you're a book. That means you're smart, right? Right? Cause I really need an opinion on that. I mean, I definitely will NOT be showing up in town, but what caused me to lie like that? I wasn't even trying to fit it in to a plan or anything. It was just a spontaneous utterance. However, that's no excuse. I don't do spontaneous utterances. When I speak, it is with purpose and meaning. I do NOT misspeak. However, what does that mean for what I said to the lesbian? Did I truly mean to instill in her a thought that I'd appear despite knowing that I wouldn't show up? Or, disturbingly, do I secretly want to show up?

Guh…I'm not gonna think about that anymore….it's starting to make my head hurt.

I must admit that being out in the cool air of the night was quite nice after spending an entire day in a drunken stupor. Plus, it felt wonderful to just spend some quality time with Carty. I feel like I don't give him the credit he deserves. Yeah, I talk to you a lot when I'm inside, but I'd be lost without Carty. As mysterious and prank-prone that he is, that guy has some serious wisdom in his spokes. It'd be nice if I didn't have to question the validity of his every word.

Did I ever tell you about the time that I was working and Carty intentionally broke to impress some wagon sitting on the side of the road? No, heh, it's a quality story. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm feeling pretty tired right now then I'd relate the whole thing to you. However, there is still one other thing I'd like to get to before fatigue takes me.

What is it I'd like to get to before I get sleepy, you'd ask if you had a mouth?

Well, let me list it out for you: a pile of seventeen eye patches, a pair of flight goggles, a dark blue crown, a metal ring, a fedora, and a compass. Boy that sure looks like a random list of things. What could that possibly mean?

Wait, do you hear that?

Weird, it almost sounds like- there it is again! Did you hear it that time?

Why don't you ever listen when it's imperative that you do so? This could easily be a life or death situation and you aren't even paying attention.

That! Do you hear it?

Come on Booky! You can't tell me you can't hear that!

It sounds almost like somepony is dropping stuff on my roof. Who the tartarus would drop stuff on my roof? How'd they get up there? Wait…crap…it's….Derpy...it has to be. Who else is stupid enough to do something that stupid? Well, whatever it is she's doing, I'll ignore it for now. If it's fatal and bad for my health then I'll find out when I wake up covered in flames like last time. If not…then…well…I guess I'll have to go see what the tartarus is being thrown at my roof.

Anykazoo, what I was trying to hint at before was that I have some items for the Break-It-Down game…I just…got a little distracted is all.

Alright, where were we…ah yes! BREAK-IT-DOWN!

First on the docket this evenoring is the metal ring. I'll be lying if I say I have any clue what this thing is. It kind of looks like one of the metal rings you'd put on a barrel or something, but beyond that it shouldn't have any more uses. I guess, if you were small enough, this thing could fit around your body or something like that, but what use would that be? I am baffled by this thing. Crap, I'm not even sure who would want to buy something this crappy. Perceived value: eight bits.

I think I missed a holiday somewhere along the line, which is weird cause I don't think I've ever heard of Equestria having any pirate holidays or something like that. I say this because I've found seventeen different pairs of eye patches just strewn about on the ground daynight. Seven-freaking-teen of them. They aren't even high quality. Beyond pretending to be a pirate and functioning as a blindfold for a Cyclops, I see almost no use for these. Perceived value: five bits per piece…so…eighty-five bits…not bad.

It would appear that I've run afoul of Rarity once more daynight. You see, I was trotting along my merry way when I noticed something kind of shiny -shiny sells- in a bush that was reflecting the light of Carty's lantern. What I found is an extremely nice recreation of Princess Celestia's royal crown. When I say that this thing is nice, I mean that this thing is beautifully made. Flawless, shiny, and something you'd feel proud wearing, this crown-thingy is awesome. Rarity really outdid herself here. The only problem I have with this thing is that it is colored all wrong. Though I've only met her once -a terrifying experience I'd like to never recreate- I'm well aware that the Princess' crown is gold and not dark blue like this one. However, that's not all bad. It kind of gives it a unique vibe to it. Yeah, this thing ought to be paying for my groceries for awhile. Perceived value: one hundred and fifty bits.

This next find isn't going to bring any money, but it should definitely earn its keep by making me look fabulous. It's this really nice wide-brimmed white fedora with a pinkish stripe across it. What's great is that stripe matches the shade of my bowtie things perfectly! Sure, this thing will require a good washing, but it'll definitely make up for the fact that my swag is still broken. Perceived value: not necessarily priceless, but useful…to me at least.

Sometimes I find very interesting objects. Sometimes I find very expensive objects. Other times I find very useful objects. This time I found a toy compass. A toy compass. Let that sink in. It's a compass…that's a toy. How do you play with a compass? Hey guys! Let's find north! Yeah no, that doesn't sound the least bit entertaining. Perceived value: five bits.

The final object on the docket this evenoring is a pair of flight goggles. To be exact, these goggles are 'Flight-Master X-1000 brand Thunderclap Series Nine goggles with Flight-Master X-1000 brand Cyclone Eyes Series Seven lenses', or, in stupid tongue, a pair of EXTREMELY nice goggles with a Wonderbolts logo on them. You may be wondering how the tartarus I knew all of that about them. Well, it's because the lesbian NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THEM! Apparently the Wonderbolts specially ordered and helped design a brand new series of goggles to go along with their flight suits. So yeah, I think I know who will want to buy these goggles when I get a chance to sell them. Perceived value: fifty bits, but I'll bump it down to twenty for the lesbian since I'll be getting more than enough money from the crown.

Isn't all of that great? It's wonderful! I mean, yeah, I can almost guarantee that something will screw all of it up, but as of right now this is one of the more impressive hauls I've had in recent daynights.

That's all for this evenoring. The pangs of sleep are calling for me to have sleepy sleeps.


	26. Still Breathing

So, as you can probably tell, I'm alive right now. That means I'm not dead. It also means that whatever it was that was hitting my roof earlier probably wasn't caused by Derpy. If she did it then I'd probably be back in the hospital. That means that somepony else is dropping stuff on my roof. I don't know how to feel about that. I'll check later when I leave for work.

I had visitors again today. Of course I didn't even respond to the knocking at my front door, but I could hear them banging away. There were six different instances of it this time. That means that, coupled with the ones from Sunday, I have eleven unidentified knockers.

What?

What's so funny?

Stop it. Stop laughing. Booky, I swear I'll turn you into toiletry if you don't stop.

Thank you.

Now, let's analyze each of them.

The first of the knockings on Sunday came when I was in the middle of teaching my couch how to properly whip my tail back and forth. Think of it like this, a clumsy sound that exuded the feeling that whoever was knocking was well aware of how to maximize the sound of their knocking without it sounding planned or casual. I can only assume that means that whoever this was does a lot of knocking and thus goes door to door often enough that effectively knocking has become habit. Unfortunately, I do not know anypony who has such a habit…or…at least I don't think I do.

Differing greatly from the clumsy effectiveness of the first knocker, the second was far more reserved and calculated. Rather some absentminded banging, this knocker had precise knocks that seemed to respect the right of the pony inside to ignore said knocking. That tells me that whoever this knocker was has a polite nature about them. Also, from the lack of urgency of the knocks I could tell that it wasn't something of pressing importance. I have an idea of who this one could've been, but I'm really unsure as it could be one of three ponies: Rarity, Octavia, or -assuming her nature is such- Rose. If it's Rarity, then I have little clue as to why she would come to see me. I haven't ordered anything from her lately and we aren't necessarily social as I've only conversed with her on terms of business. If it were Octavia then I have a good idea of why she might want to see me. I mean, first I run off to Canterlot without telling her and then I suddenly come back lock myself away. She might find that odd enough to seek answers. I haven't any clue about Rose. Is it possible she waschecking up on me for the sake of the conspiracy? Maybe. Is it possible she secretly is obsessed with me and was only trying to catch a whiff of my scent? Maybe. There are honestly so many possibilities as to who this is that I haven't the slightest clue as to which of these three it could be.

This is the same one as the very first knocker. It was a bit more forceful that time around and I will note that whoever it was stuck around longer than they did the first time. Should I also mention that I think I heard my name being called? No? Alrighty, I won't mention it then. Unlike the first time this pony came knocking at my front door -tell me whether or not you see what I did there, cause I'm not exactly sure of it myself- there wasn't any further clues as to the identity of the knocker.

At first I was really confused by whoever this was. You see, they started knocking really lightly as if they weren't sure of whom it was that lived in my house. That or they were trying not to get my attention…which would be redundant. That lasted for all of two minutes before whoever it was started to try and break my damn door down. I was too drunk to know otherwise, but I honestly thought that conflict incarnate was waiting for me on the other side of that scary door. To be more blunt with my description of whoever this was, they were quiet at first and then very forceful. I don't even know anypony that bipolar. Well, except for myself of course, but I was inside and thus incapable of knocking on the outside of the door while being on the inside to be scared of the knocking on the outside.

Insert planned out knocking here. I have never heard a more tactical knock in my life. It was planned. There was exactly one minute in-between the three bursts of knocking. And I'm not talking about somepony who has experience with the knocking of doors. I'm talking about somepony who is a master of planning things. I actually fell asleep due to how monotonous it was. That being written rather than said -cause, you know, I don't speak while I write- I'm not sure whether or not there was more to the knocking. Not that there needed to be more. I've already figured out who this one was. Brace yourself; it was Twilight Sparkle. Yep, the nerd. Who else would time their knocks so perfectly?

OH SWEET CRAP! THIS ONE WAS THE ASBOLUTE WORST! I was lulling around peacefully being drunk when the heavens above unleashed and unholy wrath upon my front door. Whatever pony came by earlier and displayed severe bipolarness came back with a bucking vengeance. Unlike the first time, this pony started off with knocks that should get them arrested for assault. What made it worse was that it practically scared me right out of my skin. Ponies shouldn't be allowed to be that aggressive with doors. I hope they had something important to tell me cause I'm never -EVER- going to answer the door when this pony comes knocking at my front door.

This marks the return of my first visitor. Whoever this was must've really wanted my attention to come by three times in

one damn day. Unlike the second time, this was more like the first time. There was a distinct difference though; each knock seemed to linger. It was like whoever it was struck the door and then let their hoof rest there for a few seconds. How do I know? Well, sometimes when I get drunk, I become hyper observant. The sound of letting your hooves strike a door is distinctly different than the sound of just rattling on with separate strikes. It makes a solid *thlunk* sound when you strike wood with hooves like that, which is different from the distinct *clock* sound that emanates from regular knocking.

First knock today is the same first knock from Sunday. Which means this pony works in the morning or is just awake at an unreasonable hour. What was weird was that the knocking was the exact same as the first one from Sunday. Which means there's a serious amount of OCD going on here with this pony. I have an idea of who they are, but I'm not sold on it. I'm thinking the Derptard, but it could easily be the Pinktard too.

It's almost like freaking clockwork! This knocker is the exact same one as the second one on Sunday! I swear, evidence of that damn conspiracy is EVERYWHERE! What's saved my damn sanity is that this knocker at least varied things up a bit by sounding a tad bit worried. You see, the knocks retained a sense of order while coming off sounding a little disjointed by something. I can only assume that means that whoever this is has some misplaced place for me in their heart. To be real here, I felt really bad about not answering this one. However, that's just what THEY want. THEY want me to answer the door. Want to know what happens if I open the door? BAM! Dead. Right there in my own front door. Nope, it'll take more to get me. I'M A DAMN PRO! COME AT ME CONSPIRACY!

Remember how I said the previous knocks were all pretty unique and weird? Yeah, I think I got visited by a giant damn woodpecker or some crap. What's that? Am I comparing to a woodpecker? No, I'm downright believing that this was an actual woodpecker who came to my door and knocked for ten torturous minutes. There are only two ponies in existence that this could conceivably be; either the Pinktard or the Derptard. I know I said that already, but it's true here as well. It works cause there are two of each.

Hey generic knocker, how are you? Generic response? Are you sure? How generic of you! Booky, in case you didn't catch just what trait this knocker most exemplifies; it's how soft it was compared to all of the others. I barely heard this damn knock and I feel confident I would've had I not been counting dust on my couch. What was also weird was just inconsistent this one was. Normally knocks occur in a set of three separate sets of three knocks. This one was weird. Unless I miscounted, which is entirely possible given how damn quiet they were, this knocker went with a set of three sets of differing number of knocks in this order: five, three, and seven. What have I taken away from the odd number of knocks and odd volume of said knocks? Well, I've learned that the arm of my couch has seven hundred and twenty-two thousand pieces of dust on it. Honestly, I don't know what to think of this one other than it could be code, which would be stupid given the fact that it sounded like field mice humping.

Cue the return of Twilight Sparkle! Yep, she came back. Obviously her. Only difference being that her knocks were interrupted with a sneeze. Hopefully my thoughts of isolation got her sick. Wouldn't that be great?

As if to make my life whole once more, the last visitor to my front door was none other than either the retarded bane of my existence or the pink retarded bane of my existence. The very second I recognized the pattern I got back to my invisible puzzle of the invisible ghost puppies in the visibility center.

I'll take a look at my roof later when I leave for work. Can't take the chance that whoever was bothering be is waiting outside the door with a double-bladed shovel. Yeah, I think it's possible I'm suffering from a light paranoia.


	27. Things That Are Found Cannot Be Lost

Booky, I can't help but get the feeling like I said I'd do something. You ever have that feeling? I do, I'm having it right now in fact. However, I won't tell you that, it's personal information. You have no claim to the knowledge in my brain. It's my brain, NOT YOURS!

Anystew, I do have some exciting news! Care to guess? NO! YOU DON'T GET TO GUESS!

Let me put it for you the way the newspaper put it, "BREAKING NEWS! EQUESTRIA'S TOP CELLIST REVEALS THAT SHE IS HOMOSEXUAL!"

You see that?

Do you see that?

Booky, do you see it?

Right there, above all of these questions; the thing about the homosexual. Do you see it?

What do you think it means? Do you think it means that homosexuality isn't as wrong as I know it is? Do you think it means cellists get more action than the rest of us? Do you think it means that potatoes have made their move? Do you think it means my heart just got broken? Do you think my soul was shattered so very painfully that I'm having trouble blinking? Do you think it means my trust in mares has eroded into an oozing mass of overturned dreams and hopes? Do you think it means the knife in my back just got pushedthrough my being? I like that one, let's go with it.

Have you ever been betrayed Booky? I don't think you have…though I've been wrong before…which is merely silly as I am right this time. Don't look at me like that; you know you're fully of crap. There's no possible way you could understand what I'm going through, so just shut up and wrinkle away already. The last thing I need is you nagging me.

What did I do to deserve what happens to me? I contribute to the community. I pay whatever bills I have to pay. I feed and house seemingly innocent semi-homeless ponies when I see them. Is it not enough that I suffer the smallest of life's conflicts?

I trusted her; that is the undeniable truth. I mean yeah, I was using her to accomplish one of my many plans and I've only been attracted to her thanks to her sexy accent, but that doesn't change the bond I dared to forge with the evil gender. She knows stuff about me…stuff that I don't even know if I know that I know it to tell it to her for her to know and me not to know and tell you about. Fuck, she even kissed me! SHE KISSED ME! Worst yet? I KISSED BACK!

I was stupid. I still am stupid. I dared to dream that I could escape that thing in the mirror. That thing that keeps telling me he's me. He's not, he just isn't! I don't do these things. I don't. I don't kiss mares. I don't tell them my secrets. I don't associate with their degenerate kind. He does. He's the weak one. The one that gets left behind. The one left crying in the darkening world as his mom died. The one who came home to emptiness. The one who looked to the stars and thought he could see the path to happiness. The one who had the chance to reap severe vengeance on that grey retard. He's the one. Not me. I'm not stupid. I've never been stupid. I'm the pinnacle of existing. He's stupid. He's always been stupid. I'M NOT HIM!

You know what? Fuck it. There it goes. Say goodbye to it. Booky, pay attention damn it! SAY GOODBYE! I've stopped giving the craps I could give. What's love anyway? I'll tell you what it is; it's a wasted emotion that serves as the key for which those bitches can get in.

I'm done sulking. I'm done sitting here with my eyes glued to the cider barrels that have become perilously empty. That party thing is nightday. I'll go to it. I'll go right after I sell all this crap. It should bring in a good amount of bits. Enough to crush that retard. Enough to be done with this misaligned nuisance. The pink one is next. Then I'll be done. I'll be done with it all. I can go right back to being…happy?


	28. I Wonder if I can Ponder While I Wander?

So…as disturbing as that news was, I do believe I overreacted in being mean to you. Please, forgive me Booky. The last thing I want is to lose you. You know what? Carty was right. I should've expected that Octavia was a lesbian. I mean, I don't see how he thinks it was obvious, but I see what could be seen as signs. Let's address this issue.

Alright, seeing as Octavia was my solution to plan Gettin Busy, I'll need to turn to my backups. Here's the list: Rarity, Rose, Applejack, Twilight, Blossom, and the lesbian. I don't think any of these would be preferable. Sure, Rarity's pretty, Rose has the best scent, Applejack is strong -for a mare anyway-, Twilight is smart -for a mare anyway-, Blossom's got the nicest plot, and the lesbian is very slim, but none are exactly perfect. Rarity would probably quit the second we got sweaty, Rose would cling like a tick, Applejack would hurt my delicate frame, Twilight would probably think about it too much, Blossom would probably piss me off, and the lesbian is a lesbian who likes other lesbians who are into lesbian on lesbian action. So I'm not entirely sure which one I'd prefer. Meh, I'll think of something.

As for my stuff that I'd like to sell, I'm not entirely unsure that Twilight will let me get away if I showed up at her house-thing. It would probably benefit me more to wait until after the party to do that. That way I'll be good and drunk. I mean, the last thing I want is to show up and suddenly be bombarded with feelings about why the hay I bothered showing up. As I recall, it was Twilight who set me up with a certain little bitch we will not speak of.

I know you're probably wondering if I brought anything interesting with me after work. Well, no, no I didn't. I spent the majority of the shift seething in rage. I probably broke more stuff than I cleaned, which is pretty cool as I provided myself with stuff to clean up and thus internally sustain my profession.

You know, sometimes I wonder if we truly matter. Are we really as important as we make ourselves out to be? Think about it. Celestia and Lunario -I've long since forgotten the other one's name- move the sun and the moon. Their power must be incredible. Consider, if you will, that there are other worlds out there. Each of them must rely on them to move the sun and the moon. Then you must consider the vastness of space….the ever-expanding blackness of solitary infinity with all of these potential worlds of creatures, all of them relying on those two princesses for survival. These are beings that could evaporate us into nothingness at the blink of an eye and yet they see fit to rule us with love and compassion. We -more so you- are nothing to them, pebbles before mountains. With all of their power, they still humble themselves to actually rule us benevolently.

Or they are both lying their plots off about their power in order to subjugate all of us with our utter terror of their claimed powers.

I think I've got it! I've figured it all out! They're…WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO THE HAY PUT MY DAMN VASE ON THE TOP SHELF OF MY BOOKCASE?!

Great! This is just fucking perfect! Now I've got a damn gash on my ear. I'm sorry Booky, this is for nightday. I've got to go address this injury before going to get me some strange.


	29. Is That a Shark I See Down There?

And then our mighty hero began to write a new entry into his companion diary. Ever exhausted from his war on crime, our masculine hero flexes succulently to emphasize the great difficulty he is having with continuing to write like this.

Sorry about that Booky, but I feel like getting carried away. Yeah, I missed my usual mevening entry, sorry, but I was busy. Yeah, that's right. Something of importance happened last night. Let me set the scene for you.

I showed up fashionably late, only to find that I had misinterpreted the time and that I had arrived on time. I'll admit, not the greatest way to start off a night. As you know, my plan was to show up, thank the Apples -namely Big Mac- for their services, get drunk, and then pawn my crap off onto the nerd. Needless to say, it didn't go quite like that.

It took me only moments to appropriately say what I wanted to say to the Apples -Big Mac- and I quickly found myself drunk after. This is where everything gets blurry, which might have something to do with me being drunk at the time.

Anytissue, I woke up here in bed around my least favorite time of the day. This would be infuriating as I severely dislike being awake that early, but there were a few details that derailed my rage that I'd like to point out for you.

The first thing I noticed was the presence of something wrapped around my face. This is strange as I normally do not partake in such clothing. It quickly became known to me that this was no mere cloth that wished to encompass my head. Let me just come out and say it; this thing was pretty much soaked in dried blood. This raises the issue of where the fuck the blood came from. That brings me to my next paragraph.

As you know, on the top shelf of my favorite bookcase is a vase I found laying in some poop some time back after the fire. You may recognize this as the vase that assaulted me during my previous entry. Well, when I awoke, it was gone. I know what happened to it, but I'll get to that in my next paragraph.

The next item I found out of the ordinary was the note lying on my pillow. This is strange as I do not normally sleep with pieces of paper. Do NOT even try to bring up that one time I was drunk! We promised never to speak of that!

Well, what really makes this weird is what the note says. Here, let me recite it for you.

_'Dear Ipsa,_

_I had a lot of fun last night and from the way you stumbled around Applejack's barn while trying to sing, I can only guess you had fun before we went to your house for the night. You'll have to forgive my horrible writing as I was not expecting to drink so much last night or was I ready for how rough you were in bed, something I forgive you for due to the high amount of cider you drank._

_Being that you'll probably forget, during what you told me was you being 'subtle' with foreplay, you knocked your vase off of your shelves and it shattered over your head. I patched you up to the best of my ability, but please let me know if it still hurts._

_As I said, I would love to do that again if you would like to. Though I should be fair and let you know that I'm not looking for some fling. I'm only interested in you if you intend on being serious with me…sorry. I would've loved to spend the day doing whatever it is you do during the day with you, but you know how work is. I'll be by later once the day is over in order to check on you. Forgive me for leaving only this note as notice, but you were too far gone into sleep to wake up at my attempts._

_Love,_

_[unreadable signature]'_

Let me be the first to say it; I GOT LAID! FUCK YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I told you I didn't need that lesbian whore Octavia! I feel so fulfilled right now! I mean, I got laid! Some strange! Whether or not the strange was of quality is unknown to me right now as the signature at the bottom of it is sloppy as crap. I mean, the entire thing is hard to read, but that signature is impossible to read. It kind of looks like it starts with an 'R' or something like that, though I suppose it could also be an 'A', 'Y', or 'T'. That's not the point. I got laid; plan GETTING BUSY came to fruition!

Now there's the issue of what the tartarus do I do now? She -I am so hoping it was a mare who I fucked and not some stallion who fucked me- said she'd be coming back after work…but when the fuck that is I haven't a clue. At least I know she's employed. It's unfortunate she's demanding a relationship of some sort, but I suppose it can't be helped.

As exciting as this information is, I must remark angrily that my stupid self forgot to sell my crap to the nerd. You know what this means; I'll have to gather up everything and head out right now if I'm gonna be able to make some real progress cleaning this nightday. It really sucks I won't be able to solve the mystery as to who I probably dominated, but if they really want to find me, I'm not hard to find when I'm cleaning.


	30. Mistakes Were MadeAgain

Just what the fuck, what the fucking fuck. I mean, can I just get one damn day where the entire world doesn't crap all over me?! It is really starting to get ridiculous.

You may remember that I found what I believed to be a replica crown, the dark blue one, you know, the one that was dark blue and shaped like a crown. Well, to be simple with it, the damn thing wasn't a replica.

After strutting my fine flanks through town to show off my brand new -pine scented- lack of virginity, I barged into the

nerd's stupid little library only to find that my entrance was outshined…heavily outshined by the one to occur before this.

Let me tell you a story, a tale of the princesses of Equestria. Yes, that's right, two of them. I think I've mentioned that before. I think the second one's name is Leotard or something. Well, that's the end of my story. What purpose did that serve? Well, my bookish companion, that second princess was talking with Twilight when I got there.

Pretty damn magical how life likes to fuck me.

Well, upon inspection of her royal booty, I recognized this pony as the one I witnessed bathing in Canterlot and that she's the one who witnessed me witnessing her. Read that sentence again. Just fucking read it. I'm having a horrible time -as is tradition for me- in Canterlot and the highlight is that I get to see a mare bathing and I can't even get away with it and she happens to be the bitchier of the two princesses.

When I learned of her royal standing, my brain churned out one tartarus of a situation for me; that crown was hers. How it found its way into my possession is a mystery to me and I will never think of it again as my reaction to the thought fucked me over pretty bad.

Recall the rule of my profession. Recall it. Got it? Good. Items of royal belonging cannot be sold as I must do to get some of that delicious crap I eat. Yeah, that's right, you can understand now why I overreacted.

Enraged at this thought, I pulled the crown out and through on the ground. Here's a fun fact, royal crowns aren't as sturdy as they look. You see, it broke upon contact.

This cued up my catchphrase, "Well crap." That -and the shards of a royal crown and its pissed off owner- is all I left behind when I turned tail and got the fuck out of there.

Mistake number one; do not run from the royal guard. Especially not the demon-spawn that Princess Loopty-Doo has on hoof.

Mistake number two; do not run from the royal guard without looking where I am going.

Time slowed down as my Annoysense started going off. Wisely, I turned my attention from the flock of death behind me to see a waving retard that was quickly becoming a grey wall of retard. Don't worry, luckily she chose to crouch down into a ball of fright rather than let me hit her face-to-face as usual. No, this time I didn't crash/kiss that retard; I simply tripped over her and went tumbling into the river with Carty doing absofuckinglutly nothing to help me. In fact, that jerk dropped all of my stuff into the river.

To summarize, I destroyed a royal heirloom, evaded arrest, tripped over the bane of my existence, nearly drowned in the river, lost all of my stuff I wanted to sell, I damn near broke my leg trying to right myself on the slippery riverbed, hit my face on a rock, had a tooth knocked out on said rock, was rescued not by said rock, I was indeed rescued by a certain retard, the other retard watched, the one who saved me tried to give me mouth-to-mouth, I failed to stop her from giving me mouth-to-mouth, she gave me mouth-to-mouth, I bit her while she was giving me mouth-to-mouth, I got beat up by the bat-ponies as the retard cried about being bit while she was giving me mouth-to-mouth, I had to pull Carty out of the river by myself, and I am now currently hated by BOTH of the sovereign rulers of this stupid land.

You know, some might say that I'm unlucky, I disagree. You see, at this point I've begun to believe that luck has nothing to do with it and I am merely the target of a cruel world. There's also that conspiracy that exists…so, nothing is ever my fault it seems, which is great!

Oh well, I'm still a little miffed about all of this. The worst part? Well…the second worst part? The mare -I swear I'll be pissed if it's a stallion- that allowed me to invade her province didn't even step up to help. At least I think so. Nopony really tried to help. I mean, the retard did save me, but I wouldn't put it past her that she messed up trying to drown me.

The only good thing that I can think of at the moment is that I found a nice amount of stuff. Here, list time: a sunhat, a toothbrush, a camera, a tooth, a white hat, a bag of bits with a note in it, and bowtie-thing.

So, with great and well deserved joy, BREAK-IT-DOWN!

The sunhat is pretty boss. It's a wide-brimmed thing with a neat little blue sash wrapped around it. I like it, but it isn't anything I'd ever wear. I must admit that this thing is in wonderful condition for something I found under a barrel. Perceived value: twenty bits.

Now thanks to my high standard of living and the ever important event of the fire, this toothbrush is a great find. I mean, I may not be very disgusting, but this will be the first good one I've owned in forever. I usually can only afford really crappy ones that break really easily. This is a very nice one that is extremely sturdy, it's almost like a damn broom it's so sturdy. Perceived value: priceless, to me at least.

Did you know that I have a very high opinion of myself? Yeah, I don't believe me either, but this camera would be a great find if not for the fact that I lack a little thing called subtly. I'll have to clean this thing first…I found it in a pile of crap. Do I want to know why? Yes, will I ever? Hopefully not. I'm keeping the film though. Who knows, it might be something interesting. Perceived value: fifteen bits, but I'll bump it down to ten thanks to the crap.

And we come to possibly the most interesting item I've found; a tooth. Normally this would go into the crap pile that goes to the Apples at the end of the week, but this isn't normal. You see, this isn't just any tooth; it's my tooth. Yeah, my tooth, the one that got knocked out by that stupid rock. I lost it in the water though, so what it was doing in the market is anypony's guess. Perceived value: body parts cannot 'legally' have any economic value; so five bits.

I've found plenty of hats before, I even found one earlier daynight, but this one is really weird. It's kind of like a beanie of sorts, but it covers your whole head except your mouth….or a pony's mouth and head because you're a book and lack those things, which reminds me, stop mouthing off to me….get it? Case you don't have a mouth! Your mouth is literally off of you! Anycraze, this thing looks really weird on me. My stupid ears make it look like I'm hiding two marbles under it. Also, it's white. Perceived value: four bits.

The reason I'm analyzing a bag of bits is because the bag is worth something too. I say it would be about two bits, which adds up to fourteen bits in total for it, but I won't be selling them. Don't look at me like that; I'm a little rust with this game, so shut up. Oh, the note that came with the bits tells me who it all belonged to. His name is Nocturnal Shield. Yeah, that's right, one of those X-Stallions that were guarding Princess Lookity-Spookter. So I'm gonna cherish this vengeance. I'm also going to burn the bag and the note because I'd rather not have them figure out any vengeance has been gained at all. Perceived value: thirteen bits….literally, there's thirteen bits.

This last one is kind of weird because I think I recognize it. From what I can tell, this bowtie-thing was made by Rarity and is fitted for a foal. What's so weird is that I swear I've seen somepony wearing it before, which is weird because I know for a fact that nopony else has my awesome fashion-sense. It'd sell for a lot more if it weren't ripped and stained with blood. I mean, I found this thing in the schoolyard…which pisses me off because the fights start happening the very instant I stop going there. Stupid. Perceived value: one bit.

Not a bad haul if I must say so myself. I mean, I probably won't be able to cash it in tomorrow, but I'll try. Let's just hope they aren't waiting to arrest me or something. Cause, you know, that'd suck.

Now onto more important things; such as retard bashing.

With plan GETTING BUSY complete, I must now find out how to activate plans PINKIE BREAKER and MUFFIN DESTROYERER. Not an easy task.

Today that grey retard got the upper hoof on me. Not only did she damn near kill me, but she stuck her filthy tongue into my glorious mouth. All she has is a bite mark on her lip and a bruise on her side to show for my trouble. Although, the idea of poisoning the town's supply of muffins has come to mind thanks to it, so I guess I'm grateful.

Pinkie….gah….why? Why must I have to deal with her? She's not dangerous to my health or anything like that other tard, but she's just as annoying. Unfortunately, she'll be harder to break. I don't know why, but it just feels like that.

Oh well….I'm not really in the mood to talk about them anymore. Let's talk sex.

Who could I have graced with my lance? I'm thinking Rarity, definitely her. Wouldn't that be great? To have bagoinked that gorgeous mare who has her priorities in place? Yes, the answer is yes. Although, maybe Rose is another option. While not as nice as Rarity, it's an appealing option due to her ties to the conspiracy. Imagine it, me turning her into a double agent. Wonderful! However, perhaps most pleasing is the thought of Blossom's big booty. I'd have liked to have a piece of that cake. Although, I can't imagine her giving me strange would be anything other than pity….oh well, doesn't matter, had sex.

Well, I'd like to sit here and keep wasting your time, but I've got sleepy sleeps to get to. Unless my brain is skewed, I've got a lot of work to do if I'm to meet my quota for meeting the Apple's requested crap amount. Unless today isn't Wednesday, which seems weird if it wasn't. All the bad things in my life happen on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.


End file.
